Does fh want to control who i invite to my wedding dress appointment?

I agree its your choice who you want to include in your dress shopping. I'll only be going with my mom, my aunt... maybe my cousin and my MOH on facetime since she's in a different state. I find it weird that his aunt wants to "pick out" your wedding dress when she won't be the one wearing it. And his family should have nothing to do with your decision, if you want their opinion you'll ask for it. Thats nice she wants to plan the shower but that doesn't entitle her to pick out your dress. Bring her if you want, or don't - if she gets offended oh well. Do what you want and what makes you happy - if it makes you uncomfortable then don't bring her, you don't owe her an explanation or reason - you aren't forcing her to plan your shower.

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Thank you AJ! That's a good point. I should mention that to him

You get to decide who is at your dress appointments, and more importantly, YOU get to pick out your dress. I understand him wanting his family to be included in some of the wedding decisions/planning, but your dress isn't something that anyone else really gets say on except you. Maybe come up with something else that his aunt can help with apart from the bridal shower - help with picking out flowers? Designing centerpieces? Invitations? Bridal jewelry to go with your dress? Etc. That way, she can still feel included in wedding planning, but without picking out your dress.

The part I find odd is that your FH expects that anyone - whether it's his family or your family - is entitled to play a role in your decision making? That's such an odd point of view. Family and friends are so helpful for support, advice (when you ask for it), and just overall love, but to suggest that they are owed a role in decision making is really off the mark for me. The only key decision makers are you and your FH. Based on what you've described so far, I'd be really leery of including his aunt in your dress appointments - she sounds potentially overbearing which could lead to a miserable experience for you. Choose people who will help support you and enhance your experience. You don't need someone to "help pick out your dress" - remind your FH that you are more than capable of doing that on your own.

YOU should be the one to set up any dress appointments, and only when you are ready to do so. If you want to INVITE his aunt to come with you, you can. I would caution you, however, to only include her if you have a very close relationship and trust her. There are so many stories about bride's going dress shopping and disagreeing with their friends and family on which dress to choose! Sometimes they feel entitled to make the final decision even though it is YOUR wedding dress.



As for your argument with your FH, try to sit down when things are less heated and talk through what your boundaries are with planning the wedding. He may have very different expectations for how the wedding planning will go. Some people are fine involving their in-laws in every decission while other people don't ask their in-laws for any input at all. If his aunt is a generally reasonable person, you can sit down with her and have a similar conversation about expectations after you talk with your FH (and you can thank her for her initial offer to host the shower as well).

Wow. That is ridiculous and overly controlling. First of all, you are the one getting married so you pick out your dress and who goes shopping with you. It was very messed up for his aunt to ask in the first place and even more strange and messed up for him to get angry with you about it. Before this shopping trip ever happens, you need to talk to him and set boundaries. His aunt is overstepping in places she has no business being.


I hate confrontation too so I understand. My gut reaction says would I want to be part of a family like this? What other decisions will aunt be dictating? Where to live, where and how to spend holidays, how will kids be raised, etc? This is why boundaries are crucial.

This is very odd.


I think you need premarital counseling stat to go over expectations and beliefs of several issues that may come up during marriage.
Set boundaries now, or they will forever be stomped on.
This is an aunt in law, not even a mother in law. Dress shopping is such an intimate and vulnerable experience. All decisions about the wedding are between you and your FH. Your FH's angry reaction to you not letting his aunt "pick out" your dress is the oddest red flag I've seen. What's next, will she want to be in the delivery room? Choose the name of your children?
This needs to be addressed now and nipped in the bud. My guess is the aunt is a domineering surrogate mother to your FH, and your FH is an extreme momma's boy.

Thank you ladies! You were all very helpful and I feel better about this situation now, even if I didn't get any responses to my post, just writing this down helped. But reading all the helpful tips REALLY was appreciative.

I will sit down and have a long talk with him with the rule that we do not interrupt each other until the other one is done (maybe I need a "talking stick" ) I will also discuss the premarital counseling with him (thanks Willow!)

I would be more concerned with his fighting tactics. Yelling, and the statement he made are not good faith conflict resolution approaches. Even if it were a topic he should have a say in (which this is not, he has no business giving his relatives control over your choices this is so far out of line it’s in the stratosphere!).
The Gottman Institute has a lot of free resources on managing conflict in marriage, and it’s really helpful!

View Quoted Comment This. All of this. I saw so many red flags. It sounds like your fiancé’s family is very enmeshed. His reaction really concerns me in terms of understanding appropriate boundaries. Specifically, I would be nervous to trust that he a) knows where the appropriate boundary lies and b) will uphold said boundaries.


In terms of not liking confrontation, I get it. But being in a relationship requires confrontation. Period. You can’t be honest unless you say what is on your mind and are willing to hear what the other person is thinking. Counseling can help you get more comfortable with being assertive in a constructive way.
As another PP stated, you aren’t forcing the aunt to plan a shower. You might want to consider if it is more trouble than it is worth. She might hold it over you for a very long time.

If his Aunt wants to be involved, she can help pick out HIS outfit.

Uh...you have a fiance problem. This is unacceptable on every level. It's not even so much that his aunt wants to go dress shopping (although they're both being bullies about that) but the idea that his aunt (??) is entitled to pick out anyone's dress let alone her nephew's fiance's is absolutely abhorrent. It's YOUR dress and YOUR decision. If anyone told me they got to pick my dress I'd probably uninvite them from the wedding.

Why did it upset you in the first place when she asked to come to the appointment? I think your reaction to that may have partially set the tone for the argument. Not that any of this warrants your fiancé’s anger or words that he said. Could you have said, “I would rather the dress shopping be a more personal event with A,B&C (persons).” I’m just wondering if her asking triggered you in some way that caused you to take defense from the start. It’s sometimes easier being on the outside looking in, but again I don’t know the entire situation or your previous relationship with this aunt.

View Quoted Comment Thank you Msalberts! I actually did come to this conclusion after reflecting with my FH on the situation. I got too overwhelmed with it right away thinking that I needed to make an impromptu decision

View Quoted Comment You’re welcome! I’m glad you were able to have a conversation about it afterwards 😊

Can you tell us a little more about your relationship with this aunt? How close is she to your FH? Does she have a special interest in weddings? Does she have a daughter of her own? Is she a “matriarch” family figure? I think there are some reasonable explanations for the actions of your FH and aunt, but it might take some honest and calm, open ended questions. My guess is that your FH does not realize how VERY important the wedding dress shopping experience is for you and that he doesn’t like family conflict either. I honestly don’t think any harm was meant. We all say things in the heat of the moment. I would really love to know how this all works out. Worst case scenario, your aunt tags along, she ruins your bridal shopping appointment. You, however, have plans B and C and D which include shopping withOUT your aunt and at your favorite shops and with those you truly love and trust.

View Quoted Comment The other obnoxious thing is that for those millions who watch, Say Yes to the Dress started a trend of brides involving whole wedding parties, sometimes both parents, sometimes MOB and MOB, and occasionally others to dress appointments. Before that, and still for most, 1-3 including the bride go for first or second trips. Many brides came on, and still do, with problems about some of the 4-8 they have to bring, only to be told here, that is a TV myth. In fact, within a year or so, most salons set rules, no more than 2 or 3 beyond the bride. .. While there is no excuse for FH handling it by blowing up, his exposure to Brides and such in the last 10-25 years may be, MOB, MOG or grandmother, godmother, other representative of Groom's family, and bridesmaids, all attend, or at least both mothers, and you are basically rejecting the only person on his side who "should" go. So you may need to start with the fantasy SYTTD notion, everyone, and the more common, mom or a friend or bride alone picking the dress. Watch that show and some others, the picture that encourage is team wedding, not representative of the way most do it.
But which FH and aunt think is the usual thing, and which her DIL did.

I come from a different perspective as the thought of a lot of people watch me try on a dress gives me hives. I ordered my semi formal dress off Amazon and tried it on in my living room, lol.

I, too, am more concerned with the enmeshment of the family and the way your FH seems to handle conflict. It sounds like this aunt holds a lot of power, too. You have your hands full, girl! Best wishes!

Absolutely not appropriate of him at all! The dress shopping is for THE BRIDE!!! That includes the people THE BRIDE feels closest to her! The bride has absolutely no obligation to even bring her MIL if they are not super close!
Tell him that HIS Aunt wasn’t there as you grew up, wasn’t there for milestones in your life, etc. If you don’t just completely want her there, then it’s as simple as she isn’t coming!

It also astonishes me that your FH thinks it's ok for ANYONE to dictate what a grown woman wears, on her wedding day of all things