Does she only care about herself?

She’s got to get over it and respect your wishes. Someday when she gets married she can have you as her maid of honor or bridesmaid, but it shouldn’t be something that she should be forcing on you. She’s probably just hurt by the initial blow, but don’t worry. She sounds like she really cares about you and she’ll eventually come around and understand.

It sounds to me like this friend feels like you may not hold her in as close regard as she does for you by not having her involved in any part of the wedding (or as part of the bridal party) and it is one of those situations where you have done nothing wrong, rather, your friend has made an assumption and is upset that it never eventuated.

Your friend really shouldn’t have called you out over it but if you care about her, give her a few days and when she is ready to reach out to you, maybe just clear the air that you hold her near and dear to you and that you are just having a minimony and didn’t want to go the traditional route and that she will be involved in your wedding, just not in the way she imagined.

Not respond unless she gets back to you. Them, explain that if you have a certain style wedding, larger than yours, one often has bridesmaids. And yes, teens often dream about a future which includes being friends' bridesmaid. But it is all about the style wedding, having a bridesmaid. You and your real life fiance decided against that style of wedding. You need no bridesmaids , unlike your fantasy wedding of your teen years. It is all about your style of wedding. It is not about the bridesmaids. 🙂 It is pretty stunning that she puts bm out there. A friend of mine came out to his family when he came east for his yearly visit, from a city where he has always been out. And talked to his you ger sisters and brothers. And it took the 9 year old twin girls about 20 minutes to figure out, he was going to have a groom not a bride. So they would not ever get to carry his bride's train on the church steps, and fix it for pictures? A promise made in their Barbie wedding days. The girls are a little more on the ball at 9 than your adult friend. It is not all about the attendants.

I agree with DJ that she should kind of get over herself. I had a close friend decide to cancel her huge wedding and have a destination wedding with her now husband, and we were all so excited for her. This sounds like a perfect example of people making your wedding about them rather than you and your new spouse.

I would be gracious with her because she is probably voicing this out of hurt feelings from not being able to be involved in this huge event for you. But I would also explain that it was a decision that you and your FH made in the interest of the two of you. Be polite and considerate of her feelings, voice how special it will be if she is present at your after party, but stand firm in your wishes. Good luck!

While I agree she should respect your wishes, I can see her side too. If she is a close friend you grew up with and you both always planned to be in each other’s weddings, it would hurt that you didn’t make an effort to do so. My best friend would be pretty upset too. Is there any way you can include her in your small ceremony that you would feel comfortable with, like have her do a reading or say a few words? Or maybe there’s a pre-wedding girl’s day activity you can do together? I don’t think she’s only thinking of herself, she’s thinking that she was going to be a part of your day and feeling tossed aside.

I would not respond. She needs to get over it. Yes she is allowed to feel this way, but you honestly don't have to go into any detail of your choice. And she needs to learn how to respect your decisions. She can be hurt but still respect your decision and be happy for you. She should have never texted you trying to make you feel guilty.

Just so I understand, you are having a legal ceremony and then later in the day a symbolic ceremony and small reception?

I actually get her POV--of course, do what makes you and your finance comfortable. That's what matters. But I can understand feeling sad about not getting to see your best friend get actually married! I think it's good she came to you openly to explain her sadness instead of letting it fester or talking about you behind your back! I'd just gently respond that you understand why she's sad, are glad she came to you but that you and your fiance need to do what's right for you. And that of course you're so excited to celebrate the rest of the day with her. If she continues to press after that, that's when you shut her down and say that this isn't up for discussion again.

I'd like to share something that happened to me a few years ago, and I'll try to make it as brief as possible.

I was best friends with this girl I met through my line dancing friends. When we met we totally hit it off and pretty much immediately became best friends. We were basically inseparable and called each other "Twin" because we were exact size twins (shoes, pants, shirts, height, you name it) and seemed to share the same brain waves. At one point we were both working with the same catering company and often bartended weddings together. While driving home after events we'd discuss our future weddings and how we would definitely be in each other's weddings.

Then she started dating her now-husband and I pretty much knew they would get married. I'd actually known him longer than I had known her, so I knew how great of a match they were. During that time she told me, multiple times, that I would either be her MoH if her sister wasn't able to or a BM if she was. Boom. All set in stone. At one point she had to move to a town about 40min away to take care of her grandma. Due to the distance and both of our hectic schedules, it just wasn't possible to hang out as much anymore. We still texted and talked on the phone all the time and usually went out wine tasting at least once every couple of months. I'd drive down to her area every time (taking care of grandma and needing to be in close proximity just in case - I get it) and nothing seemed to have changed with our friendship. I crashed on her couch a few times when we had late nights and I was considered part of the family by her grandma.

When her husband proposed, I was the very first person she called. I answered the phone, she literally just screamed incoherently into it, and I knew what had happened. I knew that squeal of joy, and that they had recently stopped at a jewelry store in the mall while out shopping. A few months later she asks if I want to go shopping with her to pick up what she needed for her bridesmaid proposal boxes. She didn't have a vehicle at the time, so I figured it was one part logistics, one part wanting to hang out, and one part getting my opinion. So we went shopping then back to her house to put the proposal boxes together. She then puts a sticky note with a name on each one, and mine isn't one of them. Her sister's was, so I just thought that maybe she had already put mine together and it was hidden somewhere else so I could still be a little surprised. That definitely was a thing she would do.

Her dad and brother hosted her bridal shower about a month later (mom passed when she was in her teens and the sister couldn't host). She decided to formally introduce the bridal party at the bridal shower. Her sister was a bridesmaid. A friend from line dancing, who had moved across the state years previously and I wasn't even aware they had any sort of friendship, was her MoH. I wasn't in the bridal party at all. This friend, one I considered a BEST friend, who had PROMISED me multiple times recently that I would be in her bridal party broke that promise. I totally understand that sometimes things change and maybe she didn't feel like we were as close as I felt we were. But I have to say, especially to find out in a group like that and not even being shown the courtesy of being informed in advance or in private that things had changed... it freaking HURT. On my end, it absolutely felt like a betrayal.

My guess is that your friend feels kind of like I did - like she doesn't matter to you as much as you matter to her, like she's losing a best friend, like she she's not special enough to celebrate these big moments with you. If she's not married, she likely doesn't understand that voicing her hurt can come off as guilt tripping or like she's trying to make this about her. That probably isn't her intention, but hurt people hurt people. I'm not saying the action was okay - a crappy action with a good reason is still a crappy action. I'm just trying to give another perspective and maybe some insight as to how it feels to be on the other side. If she doesn't have much experience with weddings at all, maybe she thinks not being in your bridal party means she can't organize or join in on things like a bachelorette party or bridal shower and she's lamenting that she won't be able to celebrate you like you deserve to be celebrated.

I'll also echo what PP said:

Your friend really shouldn’t have called you out over it but if you care about her, give her a few days and when she is ready to reach out to you, maybe just clear the air that you hold her near and dear to you and that you are just having a minimony and didn’t want to go the traditional route and that she will be involved in your wedding, just not in the way she imagined.

AND
I would be gracious with her because she is probably voicing this out of hurt feelings from not being able to be involved in this huge event for you. But I would also explain that it was a decision that you and your FH made in the interest of the two of you. Be polite and considerate of her feelings, voice how special it will be if she is present at your after party, but stand firm in your wishes. Good luck!