Don't feel like a wife...

This is random advice, but I would check out Dave Ramsey’s “Baby Steps” and if you agree with his personal finance methods, see if your husband would sign up for a financial peace university class with you.

My fiancé and I were given the class as an engagement gift and at first we were kind of turned off because the class near us was in a church and we are not religious. But taking the class taught us so much about not only managing money better, but working as a team and learning to be accountable to each other. Neither of us were good with money before, and the class put everything in perspective for us. There are some things we disagreed with about Dave’s plan and even today we don’t always see eye to eye on our budget but the class taught us to communicate so much better which led to better communication in non-financial aspects of our lives. I think taking the class together as an engaged or newly married couple is the best time to take it.

We are married and nothing has really changed. We very much do our own things socially as desired but we also go out together. We watch tv together most nights, but I also go in our room to watch my own thing sometimes. I giggle when I get called by my married name because I’m not used to it, but I’m very proud to say “my husband”. We have separate finances mostly but are working towards combining stuff to the degree we are comfortable (a joint savings and a joint checking) and then we each have our “own” money too still. I think it depends on your definition of marriage, and what you expected. Which I hope you would’ve communicated prior to marriage. It sounds like you expected there to be some grand hoopla change and that didn’t happen... when really what was there to change? Did you already live together? Pay bills together? Etc? Then what did you expect to see different?

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Irony, I have the entire program provided by my workplace. I have taken home worksheet after worksheet. He's disinterested, and constantly repeats I hate talking about money. So therefore I have begun following the Baby Steps and am proudly on step 4. If he ever grows up I guess I can try to help him start beginning on step 1.

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We lived together for one year, during that time there was a lot of issues. In the end, I called off the engagement because it was clear that we didn't have the same goals at that point in time. We still continued to talk and communicate as to what wasn't working for us. After a while we both did some soul searching and decided that we both needed to make changes for the better if we wanted to be together. So, I thought we had..... We began the wedding planning, I guess when we were about 4 months out and I felt the need to postpone due to nothing getting done in a timely manner this should have been a red flag. However, I had my family and my fiance at the time pushing me and telling me everything would turn out I was just overreacting. Needless to say, really regret not postponing due to how the wedding turned out. It was a nightmare from all the DIY decor to my FH having a mental breakdown. We moved into a rental house, 6 weeks after the honeymoon and it's a disaster. Problem is the landlord is my husbands boss, therefore no repairs are getting down in a timely manner either. I've expressed all my concerns and we get nowhere. I am trying not to have a major breakdown and go ballistic.

I honestly thought we were on the same page, and had everything out in the open. However, surprise surprise living with him again is like we nothing ever changed...

View Quoted Comment From all of the comments you’ve posted, but especially this one, it sounds like you have to options.

Option 1: make counseling a non-negotiable and work on every single issue you had before and you have currently (finances included)

Option 2: don’t stay married

The issues you’re posting about and your feelings on them (per your comments) are not going to change by staying in the same space you’re in.

You're fine. To me things shouldn't feel any different. I picture the only thing changing for us is how I sign my name. I have known plenty of people that tell me "it'll be different when you get married". My response is always "why". I think the train of thought of things should feel different is what causes a lot of marriages to fail, because society says they should feel a certain way. We've been together for 16 years and I still wat my space at times. I still hang out with friends without him and vice versa. These things won't change because of a piece of paper.

Check your insurance or your works employee programs. mine had 8 visits covered for free. I could do couples counseling, counseling for my kids or by myself and each year I'd get 8 visits for each of those situations.

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I am sorry you are going through this. I am not going to sugar coat this and tell you that it's fine. Because it doesn't sound like it is. I don't think you are overreacting.

It sounds like you are the mom and he is the child. Of course it's working out for him. he gets to keep doing/spending whatever he wants to and you have to be the responsible one. I can relate. I was in a marriage like that. It does not get better. Unless he is willing to go to counseling and REALLY willing to change. We went through years of counseling. Years. He said he wanted to change. I am not sure he was capable of it. As we progressed, I realized that I was asking him to change who he was as a person. Like, to his core. Could he even do that? And who was I to ask that of him? We both deserved to have someone that we were compatible with. It was clear to me that it was not going to work and I ended it. He was content with it all and would still be married to this day. I was dying in that relationship. Suffocating. It only got worse as the years went on.

What you are going through is very hard. Take some time. Do some soul searching. Counseling will definitely help both of you. I wish you nothing but the best, whatever that may be.

View Quoted Comment Thank you. I am glad to know someone else understands. I didn't intend on feeling this way ever when we got married, especially not within this short of a time.

I would go to couple counseling or even just a counselor for myself just to see what I am dealing with.

I'm not married yet but I know when I get married the only change thats happening is I'll be called his wife. We are already interwined in our personal life and we still expect to go out and about to do our own thing like normal. I'm pretty sure, I going to seem rude a few months by not responding when ppl call me my FH last name. It did took a few months for me to remember to wear my engagment ring daliy or acknowledge ppl to acknowledge I am engaged. I still forget it. Not saying this is how the tone of your relationship so seek an external professional for assistance.

Lastly, what changes were you expecting when you got married?

You need to figure out whether you want to be with this person or not. After that, if the answer's - yes, go to marriage counseling. But, first of all, you need to talk to your husband about your feelings. Maybe you will be able to resolve this issue without outside help.

We talked this weekend, or attempted to anyways. My mother and I did some yard work on Saturday since the weather was nice. He didn't even make one positive comment about it, not a single thank you, it looks great, nothing. Instead we simply were told it was not our place to do yard work and he was going to get to it eventually. Also I had bathed our dogs, treated them for fleas, cleaned bathrooms, and washed our bed sheets. He again made no comment. He asked me if I wanted to go out later in the evening, to which I replied that we really needed to get some housework done and that I was tired. I had worked around the house and yard all day. He said he was bored, so I mentioned that there were towels which needed to be folded and dishes needed to be washed. His response was to roll over on the couch and go to sleep instead, at 8 o clock. I woke him up and told him to go to bed since he was sleepy and I still needed to finish up some chores. He got mad, asking me why I woke him up and how he doesn't do this kind of thing to me. I responded, "I wouldn't fall asleep when you are trying to do something around the house, and your in my way of finishing laundry." I wasn't hateful, I also told him, I didn't want to disturb him while I was doing chores."He then complained that the bed wasn't made, so I made the bed by myself. I again told him to go to bed. He finally went to bed and I shut the door. I folded the towels, washed dishes, straightened the kitchen back up, put more clothes in the washer, and a few other minor house tasks. I then sat on the couch and watched a movie. It was almost 1 am before I went to bed.

I just don't feel like I matter to him anymore. I told him that I feel like I am the only one who cares about the house, which is supposed to be our home but it doesn't feel like home. I even told him I was fed up with the house and over it and I was about ready to move my stuff out and go back to living with my parents. He didn't even comment. I honestly hoped this would be a wake up call that I am clearly unhappy, but he just walked away.

I feel like he is a completely different person from the man I married. Any advice?

I def think that maybe you should not only try counseling, but have you spoke to your husband about how you are feeling? It was a little strange that you said you don't care where he goes or who he is with, then the statement "I care about him".... I guess a good question would be are you in love with your husband. Just my opinion I get that everyone is asking how married life is and it could get annoying but is there anything that is good. If yall are spending 24/7 together maybe you need to designate a girls night where you go out with your girls and have some fun. Its nothing wrong with keeping your own identity and interest after you get married. (ITS IMPORTANT).... Def talk to your husband he might be unaware you are feeling this way

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You are not the only one I was married before and my ex-husband was the same way. He felt like it was my place to do everything and that he didn't have to do anything. He would pay his portion of the bills and that's it, and if his check was smaller than usual he would only give what he wanted to. he didn't clean, he didn't help with the kids and in my case it didn't make it any better that his mom would tell him he didn't have to put up with me and do all that. I told him I am not her. she would get off work at 11 pm at night and come home and cook for him because he didn't like leftovers. I told him I am not doing that you eat what is cooked when it is cooked or you warm it up or cook for yourself. I hate to say it didn't get better and after a couple of years I was just finally at my witt ends and I let it go.... I wont tell you to walk away cause that is no ones place. I would seek counseling first if he is willing to go and then you make your final decision. good luck I am praying for you

Someone has already mentioned this. You have two options:

1. Both of you go through counseling.

2. Just end the marriage.

After reading all your post, it sounds like he didn't try hard enough when he said that he will work on the relationship prior to the wedding. It doesn't seem like he is treating you as his wife. You guys don't seem to be a team. He is doing his thing and you want to do your thing. Talk to him and tell him your expectation as your husband. See if he will change for the better, but if you guys keep living like individuals, then it isn't going to work. Marriage is about two people becoming a team. I wish you the best. If he doesn't change, then it's time to move on.

What do you love about him? What did you love about him prior to marriage? I wish you the best. I hope you can salvage your marriage. I hope you will find happiness.

Latest on this subject.....Our power was cut off because the bill wasn't paid. He was able to smooth things over and get the power turned on but we still owe over $700.We broke the bills up as evenly as possible and the power is one of his he is to keep up with. I lost it, I went home and he was asleep on the couch and I woke him up screaming at him. I explained that he was not being honest with me, and telling me when he was incapable of doing something. He made all kinds of excuses including his job has him so stressed out and he just feels like a failure. I didn't let up, I told him he needed to grow up and learn that work life has nothing to do with home life and not paying bills. I explained that I have tried to sit down and budget with him for the past two weeks without any progress. He has now decided to turn over his sign on info for his personal account for me to start trying to manage. How do I get him to understand that I want to be in a relationship with a MAN, not a man-child? I want him to take responsibility for himself and his actions, not treat him like my child. Did anyone else have this issue?

View Quoted Comment I wouldn’t be ok with a partner who couldn’t manage their finances on their own and instead of working on themselves to try and getting better at it just handed it over to me. I’m not my SOs mom. I’m his partner. For me, this would be simple. He would either have to agree to marriage and financial counseling or I would leave.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel. Communication is so important!

Please, please, please seek counseling. I do not know if you are a believer, but either way the 2 books I am about recommend changed my whole heart & mind when it comes to relationships... especially marriage. Please give 1 or both a chance before disregarding this comment!

1.) The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller

2.) Love that Lasts by Jefferson & Alyssa Bethke

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We have talked and I have expressed how I feel.