Don't feel like a wife...

I share some of what you're feeling as well. I also have been married 5 months and many times I don't feel quite like a wife either. I just finished the process of legally changing my last name a few weeks ago, mainly because I truly dislike his parents and didn't want the same last name as them. Although I loved hearing "Mrs. Cohen" during our honeymoon, now when someone calls me that, I think of his mom and how much I dislike her, which then makes me feel like I'm not even Mrs. Cohen; only his mom is. We also don't have a shared bank account yet. I keep telling him we should get one to at least put money into for rent/groceries/utilities/etc., but we just haven't gotten around to actually doing it yet. Which makes date nights or random nights out feel weird. Just like dating, we take turns paying for nights out instead of using money from a shared account, which takes away that whole "feeling like a wife" thing.

It also didn't help that we lived together for 3.5 years before our wedding, so even home life feels exactly the same. So I can totally relate on those levels; you're not totally alone.

However, there definitely are moments throughout the day where I look down at my rings or at the wedding photos on my work desk and smile and feel happy. I also love seeing my husband's hand with his ring on it and when he calls me his wife or "wifey". Introducing him as my husband also feels pretty great. I hope there are moments like this for you too at least!

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Have things gotten any better?

I'm sorry to read what you are going through. But expressing your feeling and expectations is very important. If he cares about you, he will tell you what is going on, and maybe change his ways.

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It's a slow gradual change towards the better. Honestly the past two weekends I decided to spend with my friends, having girls day and girls night in. Honestly, that break made it so much better, because once I got home he said he had missed me. Actually to my surprise he had done the dishes. I told him how much I appreciated his help. There are still a lot of hard subjects left to face at this point, but I am taking this, as a small win towards the good of our marriage.

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It's healthy to get space in a marriage, any relationship honestly. Have y'all read the book series "The 5 Love Languages"? My FH and I read this book series awhile back after we moved in together and it changed our views on the relationship. We figured out we have opposite love languages and how we were showing each other love was overlooked by one and needed by the other. Marriage is not easy and it's ok to have rough patches, just don't linger in the rough patches. Seek counseling, read some self help books together. Dave Ramsey is awesome with finances and I've used his methods for years. It takes time to really learn how to live together and balance not only lives but a home as well. Have y'all talked about opening one joint bank account for home related things like utilities, rent, etc? Please let us know how things are going and know you're not alone, we all will face obstacles as individuals and couples, no one is perfect and no relationship is perfect.

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We have had a joint checking account. We opened it about two months after the wedding once we moved in together. The problem is he doesn't put money into the joint account and says that his company doesn't allow him to split his check into different accounts. The agreement was, each pay day he would take a certain amount and put into the account for a total of X per month just to cover bills ( rent, water, electric, etc). I wanted to start small therefore only putting in what is needed for basic necessities. We also tried to divide the bills as equally as possible which includes things like auto and health insurance. However, since he hasn't put his portion of the bill money into the account it's hard for me "the saver" ( Dave Ramsey would call me the Nerd of the Relationship) to keep track of what he is spending on bills. This also makes the relationship feel off balance.

If you or anyone has advice on how I can:

1) Encourage him to use the Joint Account

2) Teach/Help him how to budget ( as a team, together)

I would appreciate it, because I have tried taking the Dave Ramsey Budgeting Sheets home, but they lay on the counter collecting dust because he says he doesn't want to talk finances right now, or it'll only cause a fight....then he changes the subject.

Do you think he’s seeing another woman?

View Quoted Comment Yikes... you really just went there, didn't you? I think that's a tad bit insensitive considering that this conflicted, vulnerable woman who's trying to save her crumbling marriage came onto this forum with the intent of receiving guidance and not a sleazy remark. Now, don't get me wrong, I am not one for "beating around the bush" either but I still would not have insinuated that. Just some advice for future comments that you may or may not make🙂.

View Quoted Comment I am a blunt person. But let’s be real here. She put this out there for our input. I’ve been in this position. I can relate. I don’t want to go into it here, but hun pm me if you need my advice.

View Quoted Comment I understand that you're a blunt person, and I could respect that, but she didn't ask for our input on the possibility of her husband being unfaithful. That was not remotely what the inquiry entailed. She's trying to make up her mind on whether or not their marriage is worth saving because after her previous "trial and error", there have been no real improvements made on her husband's end despite her many attempts. At this point, she's becoming more of a mother figure rather than his wife. Do you have any helpful advice that pertains to this issue at hand?

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I love your reply!

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First off, I don't think he's cheating , or seeing someone else. We had the discussion if he or I decide we want to be with someone else we will be honest and tell one another. At that point we can easily separate and move on. Case closed....

Anyways, moving forward....I don't think there's much becoming a mother figure so much as I am a mother figure, instead of a wife. I have brought up counseling, and he agreed to go. However, I have been seeing a counselor individually for the past few months, and my counselor suggested having him see another counselor in the office to even see if he would open up to someone to discuss his problems. I got all the information for him, gave it to him, but of course a month goes by without him even attempting to schedule an appointment. I don't want to give him an ultimatum or treat him like a child, because that falls back into the mothering role. Any advice?

View Quoted Comment Just speaking the truth! I wouldn't want someone saying horrible remarks like that on my forum, so I decided to speak up and share my opinion. Easy peasy👌.

View Quoted Comment After a rather long discussion with my fiancé about your current situation... because it was bothering me that much, and I wanted to get an un-biased opinion from a man's perspective, we have both concluded that you should gather up his belongings (because lord knows he probably wouldn't do it himself from what I have read in your forums), and tell him that until he could get his act together as your husband that you no longer wish for him to be staying with you at your residence. I know this sounds harsh, but I truly believe this will be the only opportunity for him to snap out of his little world where you're basically his caretaker and he has no worries because you're the "safe net". He knows that if he won't do something expected of him... like picking up after himself, taking the dogs to the groomer, or contributing to the house chores/payments, that you'll do it yourself because you actually want to take care of your guys' home. With his lack of involvement both financially and emotionally, I would say that he's taking on "marriage" with a whole different outlook versus the time when you were dating/engaged. He may be under the impression that, as the wife, you'd basically be running the household and raising the kids (if or when you do decide to have children). It also doesn't help that you're constantly having to treat him like a petulant child. He's so dependent on you for the simplest things... it's honestly unhealthy, and partially manipulative. For me, that would be a major red flag and I would address that right away. I can see that you're optimistic, and I admire that about you, but how far does he have to bend you until you break? You've given him chance upon chance to change the error of his ways... and yet, no real improvements have been made. He needs to open his eyes now and realize that you need the man you fell in love with, and not who he has become because clearly that'll be the undoing of your marriage. Your husband needs to step up to the plate and make some drastic changes before it's too late and he lucks out on an amazing woman. I feel for you, I really do, but at some point... you need to see for yourself that you deserve much better. If he is willing to change, and shows that through his actions, I will be rooting for you. But if he doesn't, I think you should cut your losses and move forward. Hope this helped, my dear❣.

View Quoted Comment Again, this is only my opinion based on the information you have already provided. I am in no way, shape, or form claiming that I know anything else about your situation. I have merely come up with scenarios that I think could be occurring in your marriage and trying to give you my personal feedback.