Don't feel Married

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I recently found out from my sister that he tried to get drunk the night he intended to propose to me. I guess I should have paid more attention to all the Red Flags along the way, I mean we did start dating when we were both drunk, then he intended to be drunk when he proposed, and after our wedding it has come out that he took Xanax ( not his prescription) and drank a lot of alcohol prior to the ceremony. Which now it makes total sense why he asked for the copy of my vows, I don't think he remembered not a single one, which totally breaks my heart and makes me feel like I am nothing more than a trophy to him. Something to set aside and bring out just for show and tell.

I went into my marriage expecting to have both good days, bad days, disagreements, silly fights, working out challenging life decisions together, and having a best friend who I could always count on. I hate to say it, but I am running out of willpower to continue to fight to stay married at this point.

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The goodays, bad days, etc. are what a good marriage is about. Unfortunately, you seem, through no fault of your own, to have ended up in a less than good marriage. This cannot be a one-sided fight. Better to call it the end than waste your life.

No one can tell you to get married and no one can tell you to divorce. Deep in yourself you know what you need to do. No one on this site is living your truth...period. How do you feel when no one else is around? How do you feel when you are with him? That's the truth...

I've been gone for a while and I am sad to see that things have not changed for you. I'm going to give it to you straight.

Have you asked yourself this question...why do YOU want to be married to HIM? I get why you want to be married in general. A partnership, a love, a mutual respect, having your "person" always beside you. It sounds like you are ready for that portion of your life. But with him, it doesn't appear that you have any of those things. You deserve all of that and more.

My goodness..please separate from him and see if anything changes. You are in your parents home. It should be much easier to do it there than in your previous place. Tell him to get out. Adult for a while on his own and see how that works out for him.

Your husband sounds like a child. One that cannot adult. One who takes zero responsibility for anything. No, having your power shut off is not normal to me, but perhaps he was raised that way? Not that it matters, because you are trying to show how normal, responsible adults live. He simply doesn't care.

If you decide to separate and he changes, effort is made and follow through is exhibited for a lengthy (ugh, it would take me years before I would trust him again) amount of time, maybe you consider taking him back. But it sounds to me like he has already made his decision. He wants you to be his mom. You want to be his partner. The two will not work. It's ok to let go if he is not fighting for it. You don't have to feel guilty. It just didn't work out. You could even give him the whole "It's not you, it's me" speech to save his feelings, if that makes you feel better. You really do need time to heal from all of this and find the person out there that you can build a life with. Hugs and best of luck to you.

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Last night he got the discussion of how our marriage is not working and if it continues like this I will file for divorce. He couldn't believe that came out of my mouth. He then turned it into how I was being unreasonable and didn't seem to comprehend that it wasn't just about his personal finances we were fighting, but about how he has lied to me countless times along the way. I had to repeat every single fight we have had and why I was upset each time.

I told him how I have been seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist, and he claimed I never told him about the psychiatrist although I was able to provide him the month I did it in, the discussion we were having, and other extensive details. Apparently this aggravated him because all he could repeat is, " I don't remember you saying that, but I am not going to throw it in your face and demand a reason why you didn't tell me."

As the argument proceeded, I then had to break down how not telling me about this and that and hiding/withholding information regarding this and that is LYING. I then asked him if he remembered the things he told me prior to marriage. He admitted he told me he had his finances straightened out, then said "apparently I don't". We also discussed how he told everyone that I would take care of managing the bills, but how I have managed to put 5x the amount of money into our joint account that he has. What really upset me is that he said he knows, he knows, he hasn't put enough in the account. I couldn't believe it.

I swear it's like every time I try to communicate why I am unhappy, upset, aggravated, or feel anything other than happy with him I get turned into the unreasonable one. I am going to see if this conversation has or will change anything, but I don't have high hopes at this point. I appreciate everyone's advice on this forum.

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I finally had this conversation. It truly wasn't what I had hoped, I commented a long detailed version previously in this forum. I guess now it's just wait to see if anything will change.

UPDATE: So finally after months of begging, we are about to begin marriage counseling. I am giving it 6 months. If there isn't improvement I hate to say it, but my marriage will be over. I've exhausted every single option I can think of. I honestly think we are just two completely different people who tried to make it work because we were such good friends. Maybe that's how we should have stayed.....