Don't sacrifice happiness for obligation

For me personally, my husband and I planned what WE wanted for both our minimony and our upcoming bigger wedding. I completely agree with you when it comes to not accepting any money or not inviting certain people. At the end of the day its about the couple and if people have a problem with how they are doing things then so what. My husband is more of the "peacemaker" but thankfully we were on the same page when it came to us getting married!

This is exactly why my husband and I chose to plan and pay for our wedding ourselves. We deliberately gave ourselves a short timeline and small budget. No one had time to barge their way in and start telling us what to do!

I've been a people pleaser just about all my life and let people walk all over me. However when it came to my wedding I really put my foot down and told people exactly the way it is and if they didn't like what I said it was a to bad. They may see me as a bridezilla but I see it as these people where able to have and will have their weddings of their dreams and exactly the way they want it to be, so I'm going to have my wedding the way I want it to be. Plus I find a lot of these people tend to be hypocrites. And I absolutely agree with you a wedding isn't a place for a family reunion and shouldn't be treated as such.

Great that you're picking stuff you want instead of pleasing others.

This also largely applies to picking attendants. It should never be done out of obligation because a family member or acquaintance might be upset if you don't. That's not your problem especially if you are not close to the people you are being pressured to ask. An attendant is part of your innermost circle, not randoms.

I actually think most people have trouble setting boundaries that are necessary and that weddings just make it more noticeable/are the first big event where a lack of boundaries is a major (and potentially expensive) issue. The friends I’ve had who have had issues with a parent/family member/wedding party member for their wedding had never set boundaries with that family member/parent before. I also think a lot of times people think boundaries are a negative thing when they’re sometimes just a necessity of life.

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That makes alot of sense. Some people don't have any boundaries even though they are vital to positive mental health, but it does take practice and support.

It's comforting to read this thread.

I thought my partner and I were almost the only ones who set strong boundaries with all parents and my step-parents, not only about the wedding planning but also about our daily life. I'm shocked by the "amount" of brides and grooms (but mostly brides)who cave in to keep the peace, because they think "they have to" or because of tradition ... but at the expense of their partner's and their own feelings!

We can easily afford the wedding we want and we can even easily afford a fancier,larger,more formal one so it helps; however: if we couldn't we know we would have planned a smaller,cheaper one and would never accept any $ from anyone. My partner and I remember how my mom turned my big sister's planning into a living hell because she covered 50% of the bill and both visions didn't match in the least; so my sis caved 7-8 out 10 times when disagreements happened , so this is the 1 st decision we made. My bride's parents offered to contribute but I immediately shut this option down. No sir, no lady!!

That way we were able say NO to ALL' requests we disliked: we're not having a family reunion so we're not inviting under-15 kid at all,my step-parent's families at all (we have 0 relationship with them) , extended family members+ parent's friends we haven't seen in 2 years, we are not having any flower girl/ring bearer, no parents in the procession, she'll not wear a veil and no train,she will walk herself down the aisle, we're not having a religious ceremony, we're having a non-traditional WP ( siblings only but 1 best woman, 1 groomswoman, 1 man of honor, 1 bridesman,1 bridesmaid) and we're skipping both father-daughter + mother-son dances and both bouquet + garter tosses.

A parental contribution would have made all these decisions harder to make.

All 6 parents + step-parents are upset about 2-3 decisions but honestly: we couldn't care less!! Our feelings and our wants about OUR wedding are more important than theirs. This wedding is about the TWO OF US. Period!

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That’s how it should be: standing your ground and ignoring the pressure from others. If they want something done a certain way or invite people you and they haven’t talked to in 15 years, they can plan a family reunion for another date or plan their own wedding. It’s often the ones who already got married how they didn’t like who are the most vocal because it’s customary for their parents to dictate their weddings and they want to carry on the tradition.