Drama days before

I understand wanting to avoid conflict. Most of us don't like it. However, when you take a firm stand on something like no kids at our wedding, you really should stick to it. Unfortunately, you are finding out why, in a very uncomfortable way. Now your cousin is upset, your friend is upset, and you are upset, as well as it may cost you more money now. To point out your phrase, "everyone has known about the wedding for a year......" this is exactly why you probably should have told your friend no, sorry, we've already finalized the guest list, and we don't have the room or the budget to change it now.

I find that blaming it on the budget often softens the blow, and people tend to accept it more easily than saying you don't want kids there.

So, what's done is done. Your friend was wrong for even asking, when she knew you weren't inviting kids, and also making the assumption that she could, when you only said you would check with your coordinator. But you were wrong for giving her the impression that it was possible. I have learned the hard way that sometimes you just have to be honest and blunt. Don't prevaricate, don't say maybe. Yes or no. It's the simplest way.

Not sure what can be done now, since you're so close to the day. I hope you can clear the air with your friend.

Now you just have to apologize to all and live with it. But as poster said above, you really should not have held out a possibility of yes, without making it clear you would have to talk about it with groom ( not a coordinator, since you make the decisions, they only look at numbers.). And that it was unlikely you would change. Then get back to them in a promised 2-3 days. . . . However, it is rude for someone to find out that someone else is allowed to bring a date, or a child, or a dog in their room, or any other special thing, and claim that it is only fair to let them do it too. Invitations to a party or event like a wedding are not entitlements. And guest seeing the hosts made an exception for one person must politely assume that the hosts are in charge of inviting people, and have very good reasons, which they are not required to explain to others, for choosing to invite those they do, and not others. A certain amount if the decision is always subjective. I may invite children I see and invite to my home at least once a month, whose parents invite me to children's birthday, and who come to mine, and who make extra visits or parties around holidays. And may not invite children only occasionally seen with parents, whose birthdays, holidays, and special events we never share. ... Using closeness of relationship is a reasonable distinction for hosts to make, not subject to review by other guests. But when the decisions are arbitrary, and worse, when boundaries or conditions are not stated up front when you are asked for an exception, it is a mess. Your response to someone who says, well I will come , but will leave after the ceremony, is to say, we will be happy to see you then. Cannot come, because no child care? " We will miss you.". ... Hosts are not responsible for guests' childcare issues except in extraordinary cases. People whose child does not speak the language, or has medical issues a child care person could not take on, for someone traveling far from home, for example. But people who say, I never leave my children with babysitters, or who say they cannot afford a sitter, cannot pass on the responsibility for their decisions ir life situation to hosts. I would never dream of saying someone should host my 5 kids at $50-100 per person, and also have 5 fewer seats for close friends or relatives, because we decided to have children, and bear all responsibility for them. Not random friends and family who invite us to their events. Too late for you. But you will likely have many future dinners, parties, events, maybe christenings or coming of age religious and school events. And the etiquette for them, is the same as weddings. Host invite guests. Guests are entitled to be treated fairly, as in not arbitrarily. You do not invite all people's spouses or children, unless they talk funny or have a scar on their face or only if they drink. But you may include or exclude people for generally socially acceptable reasons, such as closeness of relationship, age brackets for whom the event is suitable and safe ( for children.).

I agree make a decision and stay firm with it this way it causes no confusion

Agree with PP here, this is why it’s so important to stay strong on a decision like this. We are doing no kids at all, and I’ve had many of my cousins (all out of state) make arrangements. Fast forward a week and FHs cousin asks my fMIL if she could bring her kid and (thankfully) FMIL stood strong and said “no!” Otherwise it would have spiraled out of control!

No you shouldn’t feel bad. The kids weren’t invited in the first place. I agree they can’t come. I would say no as well and we made the same rule you had about kids as well as rsvp deadline. It would have been best to be honest that you are only having children that are in the wedding party. It’s not on you that she feels hurt. And she can not put that on you. Ignore her...she is just playing games and seeking attention. Don’t scoop down to her level.