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Expert September 2021

Drama for your...

on March 4, 2021 at 10:01 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 42

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For reference to this long rant (buckle up),

I have a first cousin who I used to be extremely close to. We are the same age, we went to the same college, did literally everything together. She started dating a guy a few years ago and things changed. Not just between her and I, but the entire family. To make a very long story short and to avoid spilling details that aren’t appropriate, this guy is no good - I’ll leave it at that.

I’ve posted about this before - we downsized from around 200 to 75. I have included our family and our closest friends in the guest list - we are more than okay with this. This includes my estranged cousin, her brother, and her mom and dad.
I recently sent out my save the dates. Her mother, my aunt, texted me to tell me she got them and that she went ahead and RSVP’d online for the family - yes I know, it’s way too early but I somehow left my RSVP tab public on accident. She also mentioned in this text “you only have 4 of us on your list, but just know that both kids will be bringing their boyfriend/girlfriend so there will actually be 6 of us.” - mind you, her brother has ~literally~ been dating his current girlfriend for less than a month and I haven’t met her, nor seen him in over 3 years. And in all honesty, I don’t want my other cousins boyfriend there at all. Nor does any of my other family. This is one day that I think I’m allowed to do that.

I’m not necessarily asking for advice, because I’m fully confident that this is totally out of line. Our wedding is very formal and we are sticking to a strict count, mainly because our venue isn’t huge and we’re paying for our wedding ourselves. I’m more or less asking if I’m wrong in telling them ‘absolutely not’. Not “because Covid”, just because “I said so”. This part of my family is fueled in drama and I know it will blow up either way.
Thanks for reading my mid-week rant!

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42 Comments

Latest activity by Gillian, on August 22, 2022 at 1:04 AM

Expert February 2020
Givemeallthepups · on March 4, 2021 at 10:27 PM
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How old are the cousins? Typically, adults are invited with their significant other as a social unit.
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Expert September 2021
· on March 4, 2021 at 10:29 PM
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20 and 24. Maybe typically! But we have a strict list, and we aren’t giving everyone a plus one, definitely not plus ones who we’ve never met or have caused friction or drama in our family.
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Master April 2021
Mrs. Spring · on March 4, 2021 at 10:38 PM
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It's your wedding. Do you. If you have to dislike him, I hope it's for genuine valid reasons. Some of my FHs family dislike me simply bc I have darker skin and coarse hair. Oh and bc I bought new shoes for his niece who complained to me that her feet were hurting bc all her shoes were too small.
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Super June 2021
Melanie · on March 4, 2021 at 10:47 PM
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Not what you want to hear, but because of their age, I think you ideally should've invited the boyfriend and girlfriend regardless of your strict guest count. BUT since you didn't and you're firm on that decision, it's extremely rude of your aunt to just assume they were invited and just say we're rsvping for 6. I don't see any problem with you putting your foot down and saying no. However like you said, be prepared for it to blow up and for none of them to show up because of it.
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VIP August 2020
Katie · on March 4, 2021 at 10:52 PM
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I agree with you. You have extended an invitation to your family to join you in your intimate wedding and funding it on your own. I commend you for not hiding behind the covid (although wouldn’t blame you if you used it to spare feelings and it is the true reason for many of course). Very rude for guests to add people to their rsvp. I couldn’t imagine doing that. Perhaps keep it simple - “sorry for any confusion but our guest list does not include plus ones. Looking forward to seeing you, Cousin Bob, and Aunt Betty!” No explanation needed 😉 Good luck ❤️
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on March 4, 2021 at 11:01 PM
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Boyfriends and girlfriends aren't plus ones. They are part of a social unit and should be invited as such. Plus ones are for single guests and neither of your cousins are single. You are wrong for not inviting their significant others.
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Expert September 2021
· on March 4, 2021 at 11:05 PM
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That’s your opinion on wedding guest list, mine is not that. Especially if you’re having to make adjustments to your guest list by downsizing. I’m not able to invite people who I love and enjoy the company of, I absolutely do not have to invite someone’s flavor of the week “because that’s his girlfriend now”. And I even more so don’t have to invite someone who has openly and proudly caused drama throughout my family, simply because they are dating a family member. We will just have to simply disagree! Thanks for the input!
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Expert September 2021
· on March 4, 2021 at 11:07 PM
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Love it! That sounds like a very simply, straight forward response! Thank you for your advice!!
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Expert September 2021
· on March 4, 2021 at 11:14 PM
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Wow, I really hate that for you! I hope it gets better.

The issues with this person are extremely valid - and the feelings are completely mutual. He doesn’t live in the our area anymore and isn’t welcomed/doesn’t want to come to even our holiday family events. It isn’t a simple ‘dislike’ towards him. There’s extreme friction between him and our family as a whole. I was honestly shocked that he was mentioned in reference to our guest list because of the history! Thank you for the advice & help!
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Champion July 2019
Veronica · on March 4, 2021 at 11:15 PM
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It's common courtesy. You are asking people to come celebrate your relationship while ignoring theirs. Unless he has done something to cause physical or emotional harm to you or your cousin then simply not liking him isn't a good enough reason to disrespect your cousin's relationship while you are asking her to celebrate yours.
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Expert September 2021
· on March 4, 2021 at 11:23 PM
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That’s totally agreeable! I just don’t think everyone is granted a plus one just because, especially now. If people are having to only have a portion of their desired guest at their wedding, they don’t have do away with loved ones for the wake of others bringing their dating partner. That’s just my stance & how we will construct our final count. As mentioned in the post and a couple of comments, it isn’t a simple ‘dislike’ towards this person. There in fact, has been harm done. I don’t think you should not include a S.O just because, but that isn’t what this post was about
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VIP August 2020
Katie · on March 5, 2021 at 7:21 AM
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You’re welcome!! For what it’s worth, the royal weddings have a “no ring, no bring” policy 😉 looking forward to seeing your photos ❤️❤️❤️
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Devoted May 2022
Tory · on March 5, 2021 at 7:51 AM
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I know that this is general wedding etiquette but I personally disagree with this take. Yes they are a social unit, but it’s still ultimately up to the bride and groom on who they want to invite/don’t want to invite. If you haven’t met them and if it’s such a fresh relationship I don’t understand why that’s rude to not invite them, or especially in the case of the boyfriend who none of your family like. If you’re worried they’re going to cause drama then you have every right not to invite them because it’s your day, and they never should’ve added them on your guest list when they were not invited.
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Dedicated September 2023
Meghan · on March 5, 2021 at 7:55 AM
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I feel like the strict etiquette rules around plus ones are perpetuated by the wedding industry to wring just that much more money out of everyone. Unless I know your SO and I’m not inviting people you know and can talk to, sorry, no plus one! Ex: my local friends are mostly not getting plus ones (unless I’m also friends with their SO). We spend time together without SOs all the time, I know they can manage a night away. But my college friend who will need to fly in and will only know a couple people there? She gets a plus one for her troubles.
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Master September 2019
Sarah · on March 5, 2021 at 8:19 AM
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Ignoring the cousin who has only been dating his girlfriend for a month, the other cousin has been dating her boyfriend for years. Whether you like him or not, you should have anticipated that she’d want to bring him as her date to a wedding. I wouldn’t have attended a wedding that my SO wasn’t invited to if I was in my mid-twenties and had been with them for years. You can do what you want but just be prepared that they’ll likely all decline attending when you say no.
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Expert September 2022
Courtney · on March 5, 2021 at 9:07 AM
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Honestly, same. If I was invited to a cousin's wedding but my FH wasn't, I'd be a little offended.
Now, if I knew that FH and the family didn't get along I might be a little more understanding, still upset, but I would get it. Honestly I don't think my FH would even want to go, so it may be a moot point.
In answer to your question though, it's your wedding. You just have to be prepared to defend your decision to your cousin if you guys are as close as you say you were. If she is hurt by the decision, you have to live with any decision she may make to cut you out of her life. If you can handle that as a possibility, I think you're fine to not invite the boyfriend.
And yea, for the brother's gf, if you're just sending out invites now and didn't know about the gf I think you're okay to not invite her. There will be other family for them to interact with at the wedding.
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Lady · on March 5, 2021 at 10:53 AM
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Boyfriends and girlfriends aren't plus ones. You absolutely should have planned for those people when you made your smaller list. You are 100% in the wrong here.
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Expert September 2021
· on March 5, 2021 at 10:58 AM
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Thanks for the input! If you refer back to the question asked in the post, this wasn’t actually what was asked but I appreciate you sharing your thoughts!

Fortunately, neither myself nor my fiancé believe this to be true about guest and who gets a plus and will make our guest list accordingly. We won’t be telling our loved ones that they aren’t invited for the sake of distant relatives having their boyfriend/girlfriend, who we don’t know - heck, we hardly know the cousins - at our wedding when we are only allotted so many guest. But again, thanks for the input!
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Lady · on March 5, 2021 at 11:00 AM
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Then why are you even inviting your cousins?
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Expert September 2021
· on March 5, 2021 at 11:02 AM
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Oh, I fully anticipate that she will want to bring him! But like I said in the post, this cousin and I are hardly on speaking terms, so if I’m being honest, her wants for my wedding are totally irrelevant to me. Mine and my fiancé’s feelings will not be hurt if none of them showed up. The question was more about how I should go about telling them that these people weren’t invited, not whether we think they should be. These gf/bf aren’t coming to the wedding either way - I was just seeking advice on how gentle I should be in telling my aunt that! Thanks for the advice!
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