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Expert September 2021

Drama for your...

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on March 4, 2021 at 10:01 PM

For reference to this long rant (buckle up),

I have a first cousin who I used to be extremely close to. We are the same age, we went to the same college, did literally everything together. She started dating a guy a few years ago and things changed. Not just between her and I, but the entire family. To make a very long story short and to avoid spilling details that aren’t appropriate, this guy is no good - I’ll leave it at that.

I’ve posted about this before - we downsized from around 200 to 75. I have included our family and our closest friends in the guest list - we are more than okay with this. This includes my estranged cousin, her brother, and her mom and dad.
I recently sent out my save the dates. Her mother, my aunt, texted me to tell me she got them and that she went ahead and RSVP’d online for the family - yes I know, it’s way too early but I somehow left my RSVP tab public on accident. She also mentioned in this text “you only have 4 of us on your list, but just know that both kids will be bringing their boyfriend/girlfriend so there will actually be 6 of us.” - mind you, her brother has ~literally~ been dating his current girlfriend for less than a month and I haven’t met her, nor seen him in over 3 years. And in all honesty, I don’t want my other cousins boyfriend there at all. Nor does any of my other family. This is one day that I think I’m allowed to do that.

I’m not necessarily asking for advice, because I’m fully confident that this is totally out of line. Our wedding is very formal and we are sticking to a strict count, mainly because our venue isn’t huge and we’re paying for our wedding ourselves. I’m more or less asking if I’m wrong in telling them ‘absolutely not’. Not “because Covid”, just because “I said so”. This part of my family is fueled in drama and I know it will blow up either way.
Thanks for reading my mid-week rant!

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42 Comments

Master September 2019
Sarah · on March 5, 2021 at 11:06 AM
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I mean if you don’t care about whether they come or not, why bother being gentle?
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Expert September 2021
· on March 5, 2021 at 11:07 AM
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Because they are my family. Our entire guest list is both of our immediate families, including cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, along with our close friends.

If you’ve read any of the other comments on this thread, I’ve tried to explain that this wasn’t something I was contemplating and why that is. I’m not close with these cousins, I’ve never met one girlfriend (she’s been in the picture for all of 3 weeks), and the boyfriend of the other cousin just isn’t invited to my wedding. He has caused quite a bit of drama in our family, to the point of some legal action in the past. If she doesn’t want to come with him, I get it! But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s not welcome at my wedding.
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Expert September 2021
· on March 5, 2021 at 11:11 AM
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Because this is my mother’s sister and her family. I’ve invited their family to my weddin
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Expert September 2021
· on March 5, 2021 at 11:12 AM
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Because this is my mother’s sister and her family. I’ve invited the family to my wedding because I know that I should. But I’m not inciting people I don’t want there. I don’t want to stir up unnecessary drama with them, but don’t want to sugarcoat why they aren’t allotted a plus one.
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Expert September 2022
EGD · on March 5, 2021 at 11:48 AM
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I didn't read any of the other comments but came here to say, just tell them no.
FH has a cousin that we're both pretty close with, we share a front yard for reference.
His cousin has a fiancé (newly engaged but dated, broke up, dated again before that), that neither of us like, have beef with, don't wanna be near him at Sunday Dinner's let alone our wedding day. Like you, there's information that I won't get into, but he's not a good guy.
We're not inviting him, hard no, foot down. FH's parents tried to tell us this was going to cause problems, I told them I didn't care, we weren't spending money on him and we didn't want him anywhere near us on our wedding day, we know more about the situation than they do, its not a matter of us "just not liking him."
When his cousin and her now fiancé broke up a year and a half ago and then got back together, I made it very clear to her if we were to ever get married he wasn't coming to the wedding, so she was forewarned. If she or her mom try to throw a fit about him not being invited I Don't plan on changing my stance to appease people. It's our wedding day, only the people we want will be there.
If she chooses not to come to our wedding cause this guy I previously told her wasn't invited isn't invited, than I know where we stand with her.
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Expert September 2022
Courtney · on March 5, 2021 at 11:51 AM
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Okay, cool cool. So since it's the aunt that rsvp'd you'll have to give her a call.
"We just received your RSVP. Super excited that you guys are going to be there. However the two additional guests you RSVPd for are not invited and we will not be able to accommodate them. If cousins aren't able to or choose not to come because of that I fully understand. It is a choice that FH and I have made to not invite their SOs to allow more of our close family and friends to join in our celebration. Again, totally understand if they're upset by this choice and choose not to come. We'll miss them, but this is our final decision."
If drama comes with it like you said in the original post, you'll just have to roll with it and stand firm on your decision.
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Expert September 2021
· on March 5, 2021 at 11:51 AM
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This makes me feel even better about our decision. I just don’t agree that you have to invite someone you don’t want to be around on your wedding day just to appease someone else. That’s just absurd. I agree, if they chose to not come because of it, that’s on them. Thanks for this!!!
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Expert September 2021
· on March 5, 2021 at 11:54 AM
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This seems like a perfect response! Thanks for the advice! Hopefully being polite but straight forward like this will eliminate any drama! Thank you!
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Expert September 2022
EGD · on March 5, 2021 at 12:12 PM
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Girl I hear ya!
It's your day, you shouldn't invite any one who's going to bring you anxiety or uneasy feelings on that day, just because some wedding handbook somewhere says you "need" to invite SO's.
As of right now my own brother doesn't even get a plus one, when we get time to send out invites if he's dating someone i'll give him one, but as my mom put it "i don't want some chick form tinder" at your wedding. If he's not with anyone, we will invite his best friend ( who I view as a brother anyway) for someone to give him company since he's not really as close with our extended family as I am (to no fault of his own) its just how things worked out growing up.
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Expert September 2021
· on March 5, 2021 at 12:34 PM
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Oh my gosh that is the exact phrase my fiancé and I use! We don’t want people searching for anyone to bring to our wedding, it isn’t your free date night with your tender date. The ONLY people who are guaranteed a plus one are married/engaged couples and our wedding party. When we made our list, we did give some dating couples a plus one but that’s only the ones we actually knew - cousin ed doesn’t get to bring his girlfriend of 2 weeks. That’s just laughable.

That’s totally understandable! I think people have these wedding rules in their head that they think people have to go by and it’s just not the way it works. Especially now!
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Devoted November 2021
Maureen · on March 5, 2021 at 1:08 PM
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I went to so many weddings in my family with my boyfriend at the time (now FH), because my family is MASSIVE. Do you know how many plus ones my cousins would of had to have?! I don’t blame you for not wanting plus ones. Your rules, your wedding. Your cousins will be fine hanging out with other family members, it’s one night!
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Devoted November 2021
Maureen · on March 5, 2021 at 1:12 PM
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Ugh, I meant to put WITHOUT my boyfriend. i hate that you can't edit posts!
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Dedicated February 2022
Kelly · on March 5, 2021 at 1:27 PM
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It's YOUR wedding!! You guys do what you want!!! Don't let people guilt you into anything. We are doing the same thing for our wedding. The only people getting plus ones are if they are married or we know them as a couple and have hung out with them. We have a lot of single friends and friends who go through SO's fairly quickly and the last thing we wanted was any random people we don't know at our wedding. I have it on my invites that I reserved a certain amount of seats for them and all the people invited are included on the invite so that there is no confusion! If they get upset over the fact that their SO can't come and they refuse to come well that's on them!
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Dedicated March 2021
Annika · on March 5, 2021 at 1:43 PM
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Your wedding, your rules. Do what makes you and FH happy. You don’t want to spend your hard earned money on them just because of etiquette. Clearly you have your reasons. Plus you don’t want to be in a bad mood all day because that person is there. I’m with you.
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VIP January 2020
Vicky · on March 5, 2021 at 3:04 PM
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You're using the term Plus One wrong. Plus One refers to a generic guest and is given to a single person, allowing them to bring whomever they want with them. Plus Ones are not required. What you're talking about is inviting people's Significant Others, which is required according to etiquette (aka good manners). If your male cousin is dating this girl when your invitations go out, 6-8 weeks before your wedding, then she should also be invited, by name. If your female cousin is still dating this man when your invitations go out, he should be invited as well. You can choose not to invite them because there is no wedding police that will force you to do so, but then you are the one being rude and a bad host.
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Expert September 2021
· on March 5, 2021 at 3:10 PM
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I mean this as rude as it probably sounds, I’ve written probably 10 times that I’m not giving someone a plus one for having a girlfriend or boyfriend. I also have mentioned that I wasn’t asking for opinions on whether or not people think I should invite these peoples SO. I mean, thank you for giving it anyway I guess. I can’t imagine feeding my guests filets and giving them an unlimited amount of alcohol, but asking that the guest list be the guest list my fiancé and I create, because of our strict count, would make me a bad hostess. But you’re entitled to you opinion, I just didn’t ask for it. I simply asked if I should explain myself, or be comfortable with a stern no. You’re right, there is no wedding police and I can simply invite or not invite who ever I want. Like stated in another comment, the royal family themselves have a no ring no bring policy. So I think I’m comfortable inviting who I want to have celebrating me and my future husband. But thanks for your words!
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Expert April 2021
Melody · on March 5, 2021 at 4:46 PM
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I don't think you're wrong at all for just saying "absolutely not". Especially when there's bad blood, I completely understand not wanting them at your wedding. I'll echo what I've seen another poster say many times (not on this post, but on others): No is a complete sentence. You don't owe anyone an explanation.
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Expert April 2022
Fred · on March 6, 2021 at 1:59 PM
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You said it all with this
"we’re paying for our wedding ourselves"
More and more venues provides security so those who are not on the guest list are not allowed to enter. You can even hire/book them if they not included with your package . This is the best way to make sure they won't attend anything.This is what my fiancee and I are planning coz we already know that some uninvited people will be brought by family members,especially since we announced it will be a "under 15- year-old- free wedding".
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Devoted May 2021
Ally · on March 6, 2021 at 2:06 PM
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During Covid, it is perfectly acceptable to not invite plus ones regardless of who they are. I would respond back and say exactly that: your cousins are invited, their significant others are not.
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Expert September 2021
· on March 8, 2021 at 10:05 AM
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Completely agree! I totally understand that things may be different if you are engaged or married - or even if we knew and liked the boyfriend/girlfriend! But no one will ever convince me you aren't allowed to draw a line with your guests and their dates. Now more than ever!
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