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Expert September 2021

Drama - help

on February 12, 2021 at 2:42 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 14

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This is going to be long but stick with me LOL

I've talked about this issue with friends and family, but I really feel like you guys are extremely honest - sometimes brutally and I really need honest opinions!

I got engaged in September and am having my wedding this September. One of the first things I did after getting engaged is ask my bridesmaids to be in the wedding. It's been SO fun having a large bridal party. All of my bridesmaids are so supportive and have made me feel so loved during this super weird time to be planning a wedding - Especially after canceling our big wedding and completely changing the vision all together for a smaller one.

Except for one -

She and I have known each other for the shortest amount of time of all my other bridesmaids, we only met last June through my fiancé and her boyfriend. I asked her to be in my wedding because over the 4 ish months that we got to know each other, we got so so close. My fiancé and her boyfriend work together and we are all a very tight nit circle - most of my bridal party is married/engaged/dating someone in my fiancé's party. Since we've been close, she has always seemed to value friendship SO much. She would call me early one morning and ask if I wanted to drive 4 hours to the beach for the day, always wanted to get dinner or brunch, always sent a text every so often if we haven't talked in a week or so to check in on me. I very much so value my friendships just as much as I do my relationship so we just clicked - UNTIL I got engaged. She accepted the invite to be in the wedding but immediately changed her tune with me. My party is picking out their own dresses but in the color scheme I want. She refused to wear the colors I wanted. She doesn't respond to any group text or text I send her individually about wedding or Bach planning, or just simply me reaching out to see how things are with her or to see if she wanted to grab dinner or catch up. She literally has fallen off the grid.

My fiancé and I invited the two of them over for dinner a couple of weeks ago and she surprisingly came. We made a vegetarian meal (because she is vegetarian), supplied their favorite drinks and tried to really host them. Things seemed to go well!

The next week, she bailed on a bridal dinner I had planned for months because she "wanted to take off of work so she could hang out with her boyfriend". (keep this in mind, it will matter in a sec.)

My feelings were hurt. This was probably the 5th time she had bailed on me, except for the dinner that she and her boyfriend came to. So I told her that that was totally fine and to have a fun night...but also mentioned that I didn't want her to feel obligated to something she wasn't super interested in. I meant no foul feelings when I said that - I know being a wedding can be inconvenient and even though I try to make things as stressless as possible, I don't want anyone to feel like the HAVE to do something they don't want to.

She in turn, FLIPPED on me and said that my wedding and whatever events it brought was not worth her PTO and that I needed to "get my head out of my ass" and realize the world doesn't revolve around me just because I am getting married (I am fully aware). This really rubbed me the wrong way because se had JUST take the day off of work to simply hang out with her boyfriend who she lives with, but told me my wedding events (AND WEDDING) were not worth her spending her PTO on. I then told her I didn't want her in the wedding and removed her from group text. She never responded and we haven't discussed this any further. Maybe I'm cold, but I feel a sense of relief and don't care to mend this and let her back in. As we all know, weddings are expensive and time and effort consuming - and each bridesmaid costs me a ton of money and time invested, if you don't want to be in the wedding, I can just save my energy and money and put it where and to whom it will matter!

The issue now is she is putting this pity party on social media as if I was this viscous bridezilla. My bridesmaids and I have obviously discussed what happened and they are shocked and don't think I did anything wrong and actually support the decision to remove her.

I feel terrible seeing her posts like she was victimized and can't decide if I need to reach out and apologize (not entire sure what for but I'm open to seeing things in a different view if someone tells me I'm nuts).

I don't want to be a mean girl who excludes her (she hasn't been dating her bf long and she isn't really friends with the other girls in our group )but I also don't want someone who I have to beg to participate.

Should I swallow my pride and be the bigger person and make a mends for the sake of the group and the guys?!

I know this is a PAINFULLY LONG discussion but I trust yall's responses and need a little clarity of how to handle!

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14 Comments

Latest activity by Erin, on February 15, 2021 at 5:17 PM

Rockstar December 2022
Michelle · on February 12, 2021 at 2:49 PM
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This is another example of why not to pick bridesmaids prior to 6 months and only those whom you are already very close to.
Her behavior only speaks volumes about her, not you. Those closest to you know you are not how she describes. Have everyone put her on block and others will see her true colors. You did your part and her having a pity party is all on her. There's nothing to do except let the chips fall.
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Dedicated November 2021
Claudia · on February 12, 2021 at 2:50 PM
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I say leave it alone. She's out of your hair, out of y'alls wedding. People that matter know you (or should know you) well enough to take her posts with a grain of salt. Don't let this person take up any more of your time.
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Devoted May 2021
Ally · on February 12, 2021 at 2:51 PM
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You sound very reasonable and logical, and frankly she does not. Anyone who puts their problems on social media instead of directly communicating with the person they have an issue with just screams that they are immature. Maybe she’s jealous? Trying to get her boyfriend to propose and he’s not? Sounds like you made the right decision though, no need to have that negativity around you especially since you met her less than a year ago
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Rockstar July 2022
Lisa · on February 12, 2021 at 2:51 PM
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Is this a person that you still want to be friends with? If so, then I would reach out once things have calmed down and try to talk things out. Maybe meet at a restaurant or somewhere public to have the conversation just to minimize the risk of the conversation becoming too heated. Otherwise, if you have no interest in having her in your life, I would leave things where they are (and probably remove her from social media or at least set it up so you don't see her posts). Since you were the one that ultimately removed her from the wedding party and you said you have no intent to let her back in, I would send her a refund for any expenses that she's had (dress, shoes, etc), and then leave things where they are.
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Super October 2022
AJ · on February 12, 2021 at 2:55 PM
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Don't swallow your pride and be the bigger person, sounds like she's probably jealous. I don't think you did anything wrong, and there is no need for you to apologize - she should apologize for her behavior. Honestly you are better off without her, she sounds toxic.
She made her point pretty clear that you aren't important to her, so just leave her be in her bitterness. Trust me I've been there, I had a friend who she was my best friend and I wasn't hers, its a very hard thing to realize. One day I stopped talking to her and she never bothered to reach out, thats when I knew I wasn't important to her.
Good luck
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June 2021
Dj Tanner · on February 12, 2021 at 2:57 PM
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I understand this is a frustrating situation for you but I’m going to be a bit honest here… My wedding is in June and I haven’t asked my bridesmaids or bridal party for one thing yet.
As far as their attire, we’re letting them pick out what they want to wear. They’re grown adults and I certainly don’t feel like I have to dress them.
With that said, how often do you have these group chats or bridal get together’s?Her approach to weddings might be different than yours in terms of what The bridal party needs to be involved in, and she may not have understood initially that you wanted her to be available for all of these different things. she might be a bit overwhelming for her especially when you’re picking out her dress which I understand is very common, but can be overwhelming for some people.
Weddings and bridal parties always tend to end in disaster I’d say probably 80% of the time which is why my fiancé and I don’t plan on having them do anything except for showing up at the wedding to show us support and be by our sides.
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Super December 2020
Anais · on February 12, 2021 at 2:57 PM
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I don’t think you need to apologize until you can actually figure out why she was bailing on you. From where you stand it does seem like she’s creating drama out of nothing, and it just looks like a lack of communication. Not sure if you had tried to have a discussion before removing her on how your feelings were hurt that it seemed like she wasn’t interested in your friendship as soon as you got engaged.

No matter what, it makes sense that she’s mad now. She doesn’t have to play the victim on social media, but removing her from your bridesmaid would be hard to accept for most people and can often be a friendship ending move.
In my opinion, what you do next depends on how much you care about the friendship. If you want to remain friend, then you could try to call her/meet up and let it all out calmly. Tell your side, say how hurt you felt and how much you value your friendship and ask her if she thinks you can move on from this fight. On the other hand, if this showed you her true colors and you don’t want to be her friend, I would just let it go and accept that your friendship is over. No need to make any attempt at amends
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Expert September 2021
· on February 12, 2021 at 3:02 PM
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NOTE:
I did ask her if everything was okay or if she needed to talk about anything after probably the third time of her bailing. Her text response was literally "No, we are all good"
So we didn't have a full convo about what the underlying issue was, but I did try to reach out and see if something was on her mind prior to removing her!
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VIP May 2022
Ava · on February 12, 2021 at 3:07 PM
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I’m going to play devils advocate here. You said that her bailing on your bridal dinner (what exactly is a bridal dinner?) was the fifth time she had bailed on wedding plans. To be honest this sounds rather excessive. 5 different get together‘s for wedding planning when you only got engaged 5 mos ago?? I can’t even think of why anyone would need to get together with their wedding party once a month, especially when you are still 7 months out from the wedding. Add on top of that the fact that you said she has ignored lots of group wedding texts. Why so many texts? I know as brides we get very excited about our weddings and the planning process and we want to share every little detail with our bridal party but it sounds like maybe you are going overboard. Although your friends are excited for you and your wedding it is not the only thing going on in their lives and it is never going to be as important to them as it is to you. It sounds like maybe you went a bit overboard with your excitement and overwhelmed her. The fact that she said The world doesn’t revolve around you just because you are getting married kind of solidifies that idea. So does the fact that you took such offense to her not wanting to take time off of her job in order to do stuff for your wedding. (I don’t care if it’s my best friend in the entire world, I am not taking off work to do wedding things with her!) Plus the fact that you compared it to her being willing to take PTO to spend time with her significant other. Her significant other and their relationship ranks much higher than your wedding activities. Honestly it sounds like you are expecting a lot of time and energy out of your wedding party and are kind of expecting them to Think it is as important as you do. You may need to lower your expectations of it. Especially for a person who has only been in your life for a short time.
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Expert September 2021
· on February 12, 2021 at 3:17 PM
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I guess I should have clarified the events - no, these were not bridal events! We all hang out pretty frequently and have girls nights, or simple dinners or lunches together. Nothing was "mine", except for a bridal dinner that we had planned so all of the bridesmaids who hadn't met could meet.
For the texts, the group text has been used for dresses and bachelorette plans. And that's been over the course of5 months - no one is blowing the text up, just things here and there related to that! Just sending dress ideas and bach info (and this is mostly other bridesmaids, not me).
I totally understand that her SO is a higher priority than me! I wouldn't expect that to change for me getting married one bit! I think my point being the PTO portion is that she was willing to take a random week day off and use her PTO but didn't want to commit to doing it for her friends wedding months away - I think that says more about her than it does my expectations. If she had an insanely strict or tense job, I would give some grace for sure! But if PTO is that easy to take, I absolutely would expect you to be willing to take it for my wedding - especially after agreeing to be in it! But I definitely do see a LOT of your points! Thank you!!
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Expert September 2020
Amanda · on February 12, 2021 at 5:22 PM
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I wouldn’t engage. She can have a public temper tantrum, you don’t owe her or anyone coddling. I’d let it go.
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VIP August 2020
Katie · on February 12, 2021 at 7:31 PM
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Seems to me she is the type that can only have one friend at a time and is not interested in sharing you with others. Sadly, she seems very immature. I would give it a little time to reflect and allow her to cool off. You may decide to reach out just to provide mature closure to the situation and not have to “look over your shoulder” so to speak. I don’t blame you cutting ties and removing her from the wedding, just wasn’t a good fit. Good luck ❤️
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Super October 2021
Ashley · on February 12, 2021 at 11:34 PM
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Removing someone from the bridal party is usually a friendship/relationship ending move. There’s no good way to go about it or recover from it.
My first question was initially to ask whether or not you’ve only been talking about the wedding and nothing else. I was also wondering if you tried talking any of this out first, but both of those things are sort of irrelevant at this point.
I do think it’s quite possible that she had an underlying issue that may have had nothing to do with you. Since her behavior changed when you got engaged, it sounds like that may have triggered something for her emotionally. She may not even realize that or realize what it was, but if she is aware, some communication really could’ve helped. I do think it’s unlikely to truly recover from this, but I hope your group of friends is able to find a way forward after things settle down, especially because you all hang out together and her boyfriend works with your fiancé. That sounds incredibly awkward at this point.
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Savvy August 2021
Erin · on February 15, 2021 at 5:17 PM
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Do not apologize for being you! I think you handled it very well! people change when big events happen like it. Feelings of jealously come to mind when I read this post! Take it with a grain of salt! Wishing you a beautiful day! Your real friends would def say you are worth all the PTO days ♥️
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Drama - help

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