Drama with a Bridesmaid

It comes down to how much you value your friendship with her. Could she be acting out because her wedding cannot be what was probably her dream? I am guessing if she was raised in the Mormon faith, and always thought about having a Mormon Temple wedding, being told she can't would sting. From what you said here at least, it sounds like she went the other way, from wanting to be appropriately covered to wanting to be sexy. It sounds like she could be having a crisis of faith. Now, while none of that would excuse her behavior, as friends, it does behoove us to be understanding and go above and beyond. However, if you don't value her friendship, then the best thing for both of you is to part ways. If she is having a crisis of faith or some sort of identity crisis, it will probably get much worse before it gets better. If you don't get out now, it could be much worse. But on the other hand, if she is having issues and just needs a friend, you could make her life better in the long run just be being understanding. I know that doesn't help relieve your drama and stress now, though. It is a tough fork in the road. So ultimately, the decision is up to you.

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You already asked BMs and your wedding isn't for 2 years? And you are mad people don't want to talk or do wedding projects two years before your wedding? I don't.... just...... um.......

@OP, I think a firm heart-to -heart is in order here. I have Mormon family members. She's walking all over you. A Mormon doesn't request you alter the dress the accommodate her undergarments and then complain about not being sexy enough. That's just... no. All I'm going to say on that matter.

As far as Good Friday- you can ask her to change the date, you can go to her wedding on Good Friday, or you can decline to attend. Those are your options. Sucks, but it's true.

You don't want to kick her out of the BP unless you want to lose the friendship. I think you tell her that this is the outfit you want her to wear. Either she shows up in it, or she attends as a guest.

How much are the shoes? I generally don't think the bride gets to determine a specific shoes unless she pays. I'd make an exception in your case since you purchased the dresses IF you asked what their budget was for the shoes before hand. So they buy the shoes instead of the dress. You absolutely DO have the right to determine the "type" of shoe. "Pick a flat or low heel in a neutral tone." Think of the shoes like hair and makeup. You can tell them BMs a general look you want them to have (loose, wavy hair and neutral or soft pink makeup), but if you expect them to use a specific H/MUA, it is up to you to pay for it.

View Quoted Comment She lives about 12 hours away from us and most of her family. We used to live in the same town and she moved a few states away. If it was just Good Friday, I’d be okay with it but It’s the whole Easter weekend we are going to be traveling.

View Quoted Comment We are paying for everything. I paid for the dresses, she started complaining about the shoes when I asked for her size so I could order them and we are also paying for them to have hair and makeup professionally done. We kind of feel that especially with having to travel we aren’t going to ask them to pay for that as well.

i don’t want to just “kick” her out of the BP and lose the friendship but it hurts me that Once she realized we were paying for everything she just put in her list of demands of how it should be.

Just clarification,
i had absolutely no problem making accommodations for her dress. That’s not why I’m frustrated. It was just hurtful to me that she was very insistent we make accommodations for her religion and then not care about mine. Yes I realize that is her right as a bride. I did not, nor do I intend to ask her to change the date.
It is a little hard to have face to face conversations since we live so far apart (which is a big part of why we are paying for clothing and such for our bridal party).

I don’t want to lose the friendship but I’m also tired of feeling like she thinks she can dictate my wedding as well as hers. I’ve tried asking her about her wedding planning which I know isn’t perfect due to the whole hitch about not being able to be married in the temple, but it’s still frustrating. This is a friendship where I feel like I’m putting in 110% and she will answer her phone when she needs something.

View Quoted Comment I misread that! My biggest issue with shoes when I first stared looking was comfort. I wanted them to be comfortable but then she started whining about not wanting flats, I may have chose flats because of that. Not the most grownup thing to do, but I was tired of hearing “nothing in your weddig is good enough” from her.

And on a different note, to me, the people we asked to be in our bridal party, are the witnesses and I’m struggling with having somebody as a witness who cares more about controlling how they look that day then about our future marriage and being excited for us.

I just do so not know how to approach this conversation with her.

Don't kick her out, but stop letting her control things. She sounds like she thinks the world revolves around her. Tell her this is the dress, these are the shoes, if you don't want to wear them, we'd be happy to have you as a guest. As for her wedding, I'm Catholic and I'd decline because I too value Easter weekend. I have a feeling that you won't be missing a nicely hosted wedding. Instead it will be a "look at me pretty princess day" that is all about her. Ultimately, she's shown you her true self and I can't begin to understand why you would want a person like this in your life. Life is just too short!

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Honestly, I don't think you have done anything wrong. The only requirement the BP has is to wear what you ask and show up. So I think you stick to your guns. If she complains, tell her she can wear heels at her wedding. Well... maybe a bit more polite. Something like you appreciate her input, but that just isn't the vision you have for your wedding. You want BMs to wear XXX. And leave it at that. She either shows up wearing what you asked, or she can be a guest. Brides choose the dress and the BMs wear it, no matter how much they hate it. And you've gone above and beyond to accommodate her request for religious reasons. You didn't have to, but you did because that's the right thing to do. And if you request flats, she needs to wear them. Especially since you are picking up the tab for everything else. She wears it or she doesn't walk. This is a moment when bridal balls need to be polished up and tossed around.

And I totally get that she's self-absorbed about how she looks. You've heard that no one cares about your wedding as much as you do, she's just taking it to extremes. And, unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do to change her mind. I say stand your ground on the outfit and swallow everything else as gracefully as you can. Set a proper example of how a bride should behave toward the BP. She'll probably figure out what a B she was as she continues planning her own wedding. Karma is like that.

And on a side note- I'd be more inclined to take her side if she were complaining about you making her wear heels. - I had a friend who was in a BP for an orthodox wedding, and the bride insisted she wear freaking stilettos. At the end of this veeerryy long wedding (I don't know how long they are, but over an hour), my friend's feet hurt so bad she could could hardly walk!- Or if she had high arches and flat shoes cause her discomfort. (There are inserts for that.) But someone complaining about shoes because of "image" instead of physical comfort? Get over yourself.

To me this feels like your combining two issues: your issues with her wedding and her engagement (I dunno why you have an opinion on her morals and getting married in the temple...) and how she's been difficult picking the outfit for your wedding.

Honestly her asking to be dressed a certain way cause of her religion and then her picking Good Friday as her wedding date doesn't strike me as her disrespecting your religion. She's not asking you to stand up and eat meat on Good Friday, it's just her wedding date, which you can fully decline.

As far as the shoes go, just stick to your guns, she'll either wear them or she won't be in the wedding. They're shoes, its not that serious....

"And on a different note, to me, the people we asked to be in our bridal party, are the witnesses and I’m struggling with having somebody as a witness who cares more about controlling how they look that day then about our future marriage and being excited for us. "

You do realize that while you say she cares more about how she looks, your actions are doing the same thing...you are trying to 'control' how she looks....

That doesn't excuse her reaction, it just points out that your decisions about dress, shoes, etc. are attempting to be just as controlling.

Have a talk with her. It seems like you're going too much out of your way for her when it should be the other way around.

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All of that

View Quoted Comment I literally had somebody on this forum bite my head off for expressing needing help with wedding choices. Everything about weddings expresses it’s the”brides day” and whatever not the point.

i was upset because when she brought up her religeon I literally told her to go in and find a dress style that accommodated her garments because I wanted her to be comfortable. I changed the dress style for her. But when it came to my religeon she couldn’t have the same respect for it. That is my issue. She is also changing her mind just to be arumentive with my choices.

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I don't think kicking a BM out is a friendship ending move, when you have a complicated bridesmaid. As a bride we have enough stress on us, if we can eliminate unnecessary stress we should. She has been nothing more than accommodating to this bridesmaids and she has been met with nothing but disrespect. Kicking her out is the only thing that will save the friendship.

I think if you are considering asking her not to be in your wedding, the friendship should be over. I would never be friends with anyone who caused me grief like that, ain't nobody got time for that lol! With that said, maybe you just need to confront her responses and put her in her place. Sometimes people need a smack (not literally) of reality to let them know they are out of control with their words and actions. Good luck OP! I hope it works out for you!

View Quoted Comment What are the odds that you kicked out a bridesmaid?

I feel like comparing the adjustment that you made for her religion vs the adjustment that she didn't make for you is a little unfair. You changed a dress style and you're asking her to change her entire date. If she had asked you to change the weekend you were getting married would you have done that?

I do feel like she is being pretty selfish and it is going to be uncomfortable no matter what happens. You're either going to not bring it up but continue to be frustrated or you're going to bring her up and have a whole different scenario. Best bet is to do what you can to talk it out (maybe Facetime her if you can't meet up) and try to settle it. I would definitely give her the out and see what she says. You could simply say "It seems like you are disagreeing a lot with everything I'm choosing to do. Would you be more comfortable attending as a guest instead of in the party?" and then go from there.

She's being selfish and unrealistic. BYE. (friendship ending move? ooooh okay. That's on her.) Do YOU. This is your day. She will learn eventually that her behavior is ridiculous. Her loss.

I’m sure everyone wants to know how it turned or. I tried to talk to her and was met with name calling and rude comments. I asked her if we could talk and I was told she had to take a stance without listening to what I was trying to say. She is no longer in the bridal party and I’m okay with that. I was more heartbroken over losing a friend then she was.

Maybe i I was in the wrong, but the accusations, finger pointing and lying got to me and she was excused from being in the bridal party.