Drama with friendship/bridesmaid- venting

View Quoted Comment This honestly reminds me of Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick. (Whether you like them or not it's eerily similar) You can't feel responsible to be her support system when bad things happen because she's obviously not the same for you. Once you end it if something bad happens you can only hope for the best from a distance. You ever hear that phrase if you run into buttholes all day maybe you're the butthole. If she's had two people already cut her out and you're the third then maybe just maybe she will realize she's the problem (probably not but again you can only hope). She clearly needs to learn respect and what it means to be a good friend, and I don't think that will happen any time soon, you shouldn't hang around to find out.

Cut her out now, especially since she puts your FH down as well. I wouldn't normally recommend a book on here, but the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend helped me a lot in learning what is and what is not my responsibility and how to say no. I could read it again in fact... Look it up and see what you think.

I have a very similar situation (besides the creepy FH crap she's pulling) and I want to end it with her too.. I know it's going to be so hard to cut her off and you really do seem like a sweet girl, but ask yourself this, why do you think those other friends cut her out? Because she's a nice person? No. She's obviously rude and disrespectful to anyone around her and you don't need that, ESPECIALLY on your wedding day. Don't wait to cut her out of your life, to make it easier maybe have your FH/friend with you to support you and keep you strong. It's not worth waiting until after the wedding because it does honestly seem like she'll try and sabotage your wonderful day.

I'm so sorry this is happening. If your ending your friendship after your wedding then she shouldn't be in your wedding at all. Yeah your nice and want to show her some positivity. I understand but she causing you panic attack so its time to end it and kick her out of your wedding. You should be happy planning your wedding. I hope you do something because your marrying the love of your life and right now your sad due to this person.

Again I really want to thank everyone for the comments. I know what everyone saying is very very true. I am surprised so many others are going through something similar, and I hope your situation goes well and everything turns out okay. Thank you for supportive words, and thank you for letting me just vent on here. I read everyone's comments and every one of you has great advice and words. I really do appreciate it.

And for those who are getting married - I hope you have the most magical day! And for those who already are married - congratulations!

Why wouldn’t you end it now! She is clearly using you and treats you terribly! Do you want to look back at wedding pictures years later and see her in them. Why would you want that stress on your wedding day?! End the friendship now. You aren’t responsible for her. She’s an adult

Girl let her go. I was friend with my bf for over 20 years and she was never a true friend to me. When I got engaged she wasn't happy for me she just talked mess about my fh. And then ran and told everyone how horrible of a friend I was because I distance myself from her and her drama. Now a year later and I won't lie it still hurts a little of the damage she tried to cause but I feel better as a person not being associated with her anymore. Let her go and just give it time. You don't need a friend like that

I agree with the PP 100%...get her out of your life! It isn’t your job to support her emotionally. It sounds like she has a personality disorder or at the very least a need for attention. I have had bad situations in the past, and ultimately you need to care for yourself first.

Kick her out of the BP. Usually, that shouldn't be the plan of attack. But this girl is toxic and knows EXACTLY what she's doing. She just happened to be naked in your living room around the time your FI came home? She had to take a shower at your place? She likes the smell of your FI in your bed? WTF. Be done with this. She probably doesn't have a thing for him, but she sure likes messing with you. The fact that you are ok with her being horrible to you but not her, is really unfortunate.

So I’m not really sure about this sleeping on his side of the bed & this & that, but I’ll say you have some patience but I’m sure it’s going to hurt more in the long run if this friendship continues. Honestly, your wedding is about you & your fh & if she is in the slightest making it dramatic (as she is) i’d take her out of the wedding & possibly not even invite her. don’t worry about her & her feelings because she doesn’t seem the slightest bit concerned with yours. Just remove her & be done with it. i’m sure you’ll be happier. and just remember you don’t owe anyone any explanation- you can block her almost everywhere & not open your door. I may sound extreme but she just sounds beyond disrespectful & i don’t think anyone should tolerate it.

She in not your friend she is toxic and dangerous to you and your future. Be strong and get her out. Your FH should be there to back you up. She is controlling and manipulative and you don't need that. You said she got dark when she got mad, well, get her away from you now and go play in the sunshine of life.

So just a little toxic advice because I was 100% get it.

My friend B introduced me to H (they worked together briefly in college and she remained good friends with his best man). I don’t think she ever thought we were actually going to get together because we lived in different countries. We did and she was awful. Tried to break us up multiple times, gave me backhanded compliments that insulted my looks, my weight, my cellulite. So she was toxic. Like your friend, there was always an excuse. The guy she was dating blew her off, she drank too much, she was having a bad day, etc. So I allowed her to remain a part of my life at a distance. We got engaged and she assumed she was going to be MOH because she introduced us and me, H, his best man, and her were all on that first trip together. So I didn’t. Hindsight is 20/20 and if I could do it all over again, I wouldn’t have invited her at all to anything. When she heard I had asked my MOH, she threw a temper tantrum at my engagement party and told me to go f myself, she told my nana awful lies about H at my shower, and she invited two guys to my bachelorette and into my hotel room.

I knew our friendship needed to end but I also knew it would get ugly if I uninvited her to the wedding. I totally get wanting to remain cordial with someone until your day is over, less drama, less mess, etc. The only thing I can give you advice on is - check your feelings every time you see her. If you’re still confident the friendship will end, just remind yourself it’s almost over. If you haven’t had a shower or bachelorette yet, keep her at an arms distance. Confide in your MOH on what’s happening. She should be able to talk to you and help you make sure pre-wedding activities run smoothly. After my wedding, I sent my friend a generic thank you card, unfollowed her on social media, and started over. I haven’t reached out and she hasn’t reached out. Of course, I live in a different county now. But the end of your friendship, doesn’t have to be messy. Unless you want to directly confront her about her behavior, you could always slowly distance yourself, make yourself busy all the time, and you’ll grow apart. My friend has lost many friends over the three years I’ve known her, plus friends I’ve heard of that she knew before me. I decided confrontation wasn’t worth it because she wouldn’t change.

good luck!

So I have a friend who is a people pleaser and in my opinion it comes down to boundaries. If you are having a hard time kicking her out of your wedding and dealing with her behavior, it's because you set up a history and pattern of accepting that behavior from her. You never set up or reinforced the boundaries of your relationship with her so she walks over you. That has now defined your relationship for 8 years. If you can't cut her off cold turkey (which you should imo) set up boundaries and let her know about them clearly. Actual boundaries, not passive aggressive ones and don't back down. Becauae people pleaser or no, you NEVER LET ANYONE TREAT YOU WORSE THAN WHAT YOU THINK YOU DESERVE OR THAT YOU TREAT YOURSELF. My friend is reading the book Boundaries: When to say yes, how to say no. She says it's the best book for her and I see her taking small steps to say no and stick to her decisions. That is the important part. Maybe that book can help you. Good luck!

I will definitely check out the book "Boundaries," several people have told me on here and in my personal life to read it. I completely agree that whenever she walked over me I never stood up for myself because I just kept making excuses that she just doesn't know what she is doing, or she didn't do that on purpose, so on and so forth. So I completely own up that I let her treat me like that, and now that I'm in my mid-twenties I am FINALLY starting to set those boundaries on how I should be treated - and she doesn't really like it.

Thank you to all for the advice, and sharing their own personal stories with troublesome friendships. It does make me feel less alone in this? If that makes any sense at all.

I have not had my Bachelorette Party or Shower just yet - I did let my MOH know last night about what was all going on to just give her a heads up so that girl doesn't cause her any trouble.

I am currently leaning toward just waiting until after the wedding and not kick her out of the BP only because that will 100% cause a lot more drama and problems for me, and even our own friend group. Plus my parents, grandparents, FH, and MOH all said that if I do kick her out that she will more than likely show up and cause a scene the day of which made me back off immediately and now I will just distance myself from her more and more. Good thing I am really busy because I just re-started school and I have an excuse that I am busy with homework and studying.

Girl, it's time to get some confidence and learn to say NO. Even if it's too late for this friendship, you will continue to find yourself in similar situations if you don't take some time to be assertive. Don't ever "look at the ground" -- you made a decision, be proud of it. Head high, you are important and your opinions matter. Don't ever treat them like they don't.

View Quoted Comment I agree wholeheartedly with RZ_ToBe and all the other PPs. I also had a friend similar to yours, she was my MOH (she is no longer invited to my wedding or in FH and my life). My toxic friend not only loved to put me and other people down, she was a pathological liar, and we found out that she was stealing from us, another BM and her husband, her own employer (she was fired), and local businesses (she is banned from certain places in town because she was caught on camera stealing). She tried to blame it all on another one of my BMs who had moved and been more MIA at the time due to a family member getting sick (ex-MOH didn't know about that).

It made me sick to think that she would've been in my wedding pictures, smiling at me while she was stealing from myself and others. I would've had to see her face in my pictures, which made me even more anxious and depressed. I have depression and anxiety and once FH and I talked to her together, and ended that friendship, I slept like a baby that night. It was the best sleep I had in a long time (especially after seeing and hearing all the evidence against her from so many people).

Do not let her toxicness keep you down. It is very hard to do this (my ex-MOH and I were friends for 4 years), but if she's only going to talk negatively about the both of you, (and get naked in front of your FH, and try to sleep in bed with him and you - but closer to him...ugh) and it's already eating you up, let her go. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this. Lots of hugs!

View Quoted Comment Whatever works best for you. Also, I LOVE your profile pic on here. Keep your head up and stay positive Melissa!

I'm going to tell you a story.

I met a girl in college that was just like this. Nothing was EVER her fault. The world hated her, people left her, etc. I put up with it for a long, long, time, because at first I felt bad for her. But then she'd ignore me for no reason, make excuses not to hang out unless she was bored. We got into an argument with another mutual friend, I got over it, said "Hi" to that one friend, and she wouldn't talk to me for a WEEK because I said hi.

She came to my birthday party one year with her little sister, saying she had to take her to drop her off at their aunt's house which was 10 minutes away, and then she'd come back. She left, ignored my texts, then made up some BS lie on why she couldn't come back.

I had an anxiety attack in front of her. After that she wouldn't talk to me for two weeks. We shared a dorm together, so during those entire two weeks I was sick to my stomach, not sleeping, etc. She wouldn't even LOOK at me when we were in the room together, she removed all of her dishes from the kitchen so I wouldn't use them, etc.

She constantly bashed our mutual friends when they weren't around, so I knew she was doing that for me too. When that school year ended, she refused to answer my texts ALL. SUMMER. LONG. She didn't text me again until school resumed and she needed someone to go grocery shopping with her.

Her mom passed away and I was the first one she called. I went to her side, on my then BF's birthday, spent time with her at the funeral, etc.

She proceeded to ignore me a month after that, bashing me and my choices and a team I was on to another friend in the meantime.

But through all this, I stayed. Why? Because I'm just like you, OP. I'm not a confrontational person, and I always wanted to see the good in her. I told people she'd change.

She didn't, she still hasn't. She told me I was her best friend and she didn't know what she'd do without me, but then she'd ignore me for long periods of time, unless she needed me for something.

I finally cut all contact with her. I removed her from facebook, ignored her texts like she had done to me. I ended up having to work with her after that, and she went out of her way to avoid me.

OP, people like this aren't your friend. She is toxic, emotionally abusive, and you NEED to stop worrying about being "rude" to her because she very clearly does not care about you and your needs, she cares about herself and what she's gaining from your "friendship."

People like this don't deserve your compassion, because you've given it endlessly without anything in return. These people know how to make you feel bad so you'll keep coming back. They thank you and tell you what a great friend you are, but then turn around two seconds later and hurt you because they couldn't care less about you and your feelings.

You're planning a wedding. You don't need this added stress. Normally, I don't advocate for kicking people out of your wedding party, but you need to surround yourself with positive people. People who genuinely love you and who aren't using you as a means to better their own life.

Something WILL happen after you cut her out- she's doing this to bring you back. Tell her why you are ending the friendship, tell her that her actions have caused you stress and heartache and you cannot put up with her anymore, then block her. On everything.

I've learned with people like this, that's the best thing for you to do, because they are so caught up in making themselves happy that they will do ANYTHING to get you back in their lives- and then they'll go right back to their old behavior.

Remember, she isn't your friend.

Good luck, I realize this post is two months old, but I hope between then and now you've found some peace and can find a way to move on peacefully with your wedding planning.

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TRIGGER WARNING: This relationship is toxic. And THIS: "I don't know what I would do if you cut me out of your life like that." THAT is super manipulative and abusive. You need to get out and save yourself, for you, for your FH, for the people around you that love and care about you. I get that its extremely difficult for you to see this as the extreme situation that it is while you're in it, but coming on here and what you've told us so far, you're READY to make a positive change for yourself. There's nothing wrong with being selfish or rude if its going to save your life. You need to start looking at it in terms of life or death because this person is dragging you down. There is a book I read that really helped me when I was faced with a similar toxic relationship called "Necessary Endings" and it helped me get to the point where I made a very important change.

https://smile.amazon.com/Necessary-Endings-Henry-Cloud/dp/0061777129/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1524676926&sr=8-1&keywords=henry+cloud+books

It will not be easy, but you have the strength and support to do this. You can do this!

Relationships are predicated first and foremost on trust and respect. Please do not allow anybody to treat you poorly, especially a person who purports to be your friend. I encourage you to communicate openly and honestly your feelings about her behavior in a safe environment. Your wedding should be a joyful and harmonious time. Best of luck!