Drama with Maid of Honor

OP, I completely understand your frustrations with your MOH, while many believe that the only real responsibilities of your bridal party are to show up on the day of, its important to remember that you picked these people because they are your friends. Outside of being in the wedding, you would expect that as your friend they would be there and around to support you during this big time in your life, as you would expect them to be around and supportive if something bad had happed.

I had an issue with my sister, who is my MOH around the bachelorette party. While yes, she isn't required to plan it... she was being 100% non communicative with my lovely friends who were trying to plan it, but also didn't want to step on her toes incase she wanted to plan it. Confusing, but it was upsetting and the rest of my BMs did inform me of it.

What I ended up doing was having a conversation with her and just explained why and how her actions were hurtful to me. She was so apologetic, and just hadn't realized what she was doing. I would take some time to yourself to really reflect on how you are feeling, and the root of why you are feeling that way (is it really that she didn't attend the shower? is it that she hasn't been around to celebrate your big life event?). Then decide if it is worth a conversation before or after the wedding. With your wedding only a month away, do you have time to really sit down and have a real heart to heart conversation with her and resolve any of the issues? Do you feel strongly enough about it that you won't be able to have a lovely time with her on your big day?

This is tricky.. I get why you are hurt BUT like a lot of other posts unfortunately accepting to be a BM or MOH doesn't require them to put their life on hold. My MOH can't make it to my shower because her dads birthday is that weekend and I am content with that. I also have 2 BM that won't be there or at the bachelorette weekend either because they are out of state. I think the biggest issue here is the lack of communication. She told you from the get go she couldn't make it and then she was guilted (which I do think was slightly out of line but to each their own). BUT she said she would try and make it and she should have followed up closer to the shower saying "hey you know I don't think I will be able to make it." Thats just politeness in general whether she is part of BP or not.

Stick to your guns on the head table though. Everyone has their own preferences and while sweetheart tables and king tables are a growing fad it is not required. We were going to seat our WP with their SO's at the head table but what it came down to was half of them either didn't have them or were bringing a sibling (yes a GM is bringing his brother.. why I'm not sure but its w.e) or have multiple children that would just get too rowdy at the head table. Its just to eat. At one of my now bestfriends wedding a few years ago my FH was in the wedding and I was not and we sat separately and it gave me a chance to mingle and is how I met some of my best friends now.

I'd keep the peace and lower your expectations. If you need her to do certain things bring it up to her or your other BM's. I don't think its worth a confrontation unless she just went MIA and you didn't hear from her and it was getting closer to wedding. I definitely wouldn't demote her but maybe ask a BM to give a speech (if you are doing this) just in case she doesn't do one you have a back up and worst case scenario you have 2 people who love you expressing it in speech to everyone how much they love you and how happy they are for you.

I would just let it go. I am like you and don't like dealing with confrontation. I would recommend reassessing your expectations of her. Yes, she definitely should be pulling her weight more, but she isn't going to based on her previous actions so far. Just expect her to show up on your day and honestly, I'd expect her to spend the majority of your reception with her boyfriend. Lower your expectations and that will help prevent disappointment. Enjoy all your other maids/friends that are incredibly invested, and just focus on the good. Good luck

I do think that you guys need to have an open and honest conversation.

Expectations: I would let go of the expectation parts of the conversation. Instead, frame it as you two seem to be on two different wave-lengths, and you just want to touch-base on what she's comfortable contributing/helping with. She may have thought that MOH was simply that, you honoring her. Where as you thought MOH meant 'wedding assistant.'

Missing the shower: She could have a legitimate reason and she did tell you she might not make it. Maybe her boyfriend planned some elaborate thing for their anniversary that weekend, You never know. I do feel like you should discuss how hurt you were when it looked like she 'ditched' you.

Head table: I can tell you from personal experience, it's hard as the partner in the audience. Every-time something similar happened to me, I flat out wish I hadn't gone. It's very isolating when you're supposed to be filled with joy and happiness for the couple. The boyfriend/girlfriend usually doesn't have a lot of people to talk to during the cocktail hour, then they get to sit at a table where they again make small talk, get to watch your partner dance lovey-dovey songs with a groomsman, and then eat quietly.

I'm not surprised she was upset by it, but I'm hoping she's not bitter over the decision since it is entirely your choice. I'm not sure how to handle this other just being firm but understanding.

As much as you don't want to, you need to have a conversation with her.

I think you're getting a little wound up in what you think a MOH should do first of all. Is it disappointing that she's not part of these things, yeah totally. But she's not breaking a law by not doing it. Now, it appears that she's lying about why she couldn't be there, and that is hurtful. That's what I would address. She's your best friend, you should be able to talk to her about things like this. I would just say something like, "Hey, someone noticed on snapchat that you were having lunch nearby during the shower when you said you'd try to be there. If you didn't want to be there why didn't you just tell me?" Make it about the lying and not that "it was embarrassing to not have my MOH there." You might find out if there's another underlying issue too.