Dreaded bridesmaid regret

Sounds like a pretty hard choice for you. If it were me, I'd most likely just tell her straight up how you feel and how you won't stand for it. It's your wedding and anyone against you and your fiance don't deserve to stand with you, family or not. If they act like that before and even after being asked, then they're never going to stop. I'd personally rather not deal with the rudeness up close and personal. People can be so spiteful and for no reason. I wish you the best of luck.

If I were in your shoes, I would invite her over (just her, no one else) with you and your fiancé. I would select a wedding item or small task “you need her help with”. When she arrives, there is no one else to show off her rude behavior to and she’s outnumbered. Be welcoming and work on the task together. If all goes well, you may see a surprise change. If she is rude during the visit or continues after that, I would have my fiancé speak with her privately. He should tell his sister treating his soon to be wife in this manner is unacceptable and as such he is asking her to step down. I would never tolerate my siblings to be rude or manipulate my husband and stand up before my husband would have to defend himself alone.
Good luck girl ❤️❤️❤️

You can't unask her without coming across as being a giant bridezilla to his entire family. That means every family dinner from now on, you'll be the one that kicked her out o the wedding party. The issue here is that your FH needs to step up and not allow her to treat you this way. From your phrase "smother in law", sounds like you have a FH problem. It might be good to have a discussion with him about boundaries. You were put on the spot for sure, sounds like that's how she gets her way. Now you know that. Next time just say "I feel very put on the spot here...".

Does she even want to be in your wedding? Sounds like she has a huge chip on her shoulder that probably has nothing to do with you. Your FH needs to step up to his big sister and stand up for the both of you. I think you should invite her over, just her, and the three of you talk this out. If she doesn't act right, you can absolutely unask her. Her contention toward the both of you is negative energy that you don't need. So what if it makes the mom mad. She'll know that you're not going to take crap from nobody.

View Quoted Comment I want to tell her how I feel but I have no idea how it’ll go. My fiancé and I have both talked to her multiple times in the past (together and even privately one-on-one) and she would always be like “nothing is wrong!” And continue her bad behavior. Thanks for your reply! I really don’t think she deserves to be standing next to me either.

View Quoted Comment I really don’t think she wants a part in the wedding at all — but I think now that shes “in” the bridal party if it were to be taken away from her she’d probably flip her lid. My fiancé and I have talked to her about other issues in the past but we might have to consider talking to her about it and like you said unasking her if the behavior continues. Thanks for your reply!

View Quoted Comment Fiancé has no interest in talking to her about her behavior I don’t think — because she hasn’t changed in the past. I’ll talk to him to see what he says but yeah I definitely don’t wanna come across as the enemy or anything. Thanks for your reply!

View Quoted Comment This is a really good suggestion. I think it would be worth it but it will be hard to do because my fiancé and I are super tired of putting forward the effort and having each of our relationships be a one way street (Bday gifts, basic conversation, just reaching out in general has always fallen on us for her to only do the same bare minimum about twice and expecting more). It’s tough cause I feel like I’d be rewarding her bad behavior for making the effort again. I’ll definitely have to consider. I don’t think my fiancé would be interested in a sit down talk with her again unless she did something super bad and then would have a more valid reason to ask her to step down. He thinks it’s wrong for her to treat us/me like this but he doesn’t want any bad blood or have to deal with the hissy fit his mom will throw. Thanks for your reply!

View Quoted Comment I believe the bigger issue is having her up there with you rather than the aftermath. She can be mad all she wants if you have her step down but if she refuses to get her act together now, she never will and you don't need that negative energy for your wedding.

You need to learn how to set and maintain boundaries now as a team before the wedding. Otherwise these people will be worse after the wedding dictating the rest of your lives. Fiancé needs to support your decisions, especially when they are clearly disrespecting both of you.

Honestly go no contact with this woman because she has no respect for anyone. It sounds like she doesn’t care about your fiancé either. Mother in law’s opinions don’t matter and you need to limit your contact with her
Other people have no business pressuring you into anything for your wedding. Your bridesmaids should only be your closest innermost circle. Asking her to step down is a good thing, even if it is a friendship ending move which there never was one to begin with.

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Of course he doesn't. It will cause drama. It's easier to put you in the position of being the "bad guy".

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Thanks for your reply. I completely agree, but fiance (at least atm) is learning to overcome his whole people pleaser ideals, even when it's at his harm. He sees this whole shenanigan as "we need to please my mom and my sister so everyone gets along" when in reality, it's just us being stepped on by his sister, his sister getting his way and his mom having a huge say in our lives.

I agree with everything you've said and will definitely consider going about asking her to step down with my fiance's help.

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I had something VERY similar happen to me, and it pushed my fiancé to really see what his mom and sister were doing in another light (aka they aren't angels, they were being really vicious to me).

Ultimately, I think it's okay to ask her to step down (I don't know if your wedding has passed, but that's what I did!). You deserve to have the people who support you and LOVE you and that you TRUST up there with you, whether that's family or not (I still struggle with the notion that these two are going to be considered my family, and I their's. Their behavior has caused a big dispute between the family). You also deserve to do what's best and healthiest for you, regardless of what other people think (i.e. I had the mother-in-law screaming and crying to me and calling me names and a monster after I told her daughter not to be in it anymore...after the daughter literally attacked me along the same vein, causing me to say look don't be in it anymore).

I think not enough people take into consideration their mental health going through all of this; if it's costing you your mental health having her in the wedding and being SUCH a close part in witnessing your union, then you have every right to say nope you're not in it anymore.