Dreading telling my parents about engagement

Hi Phoenix! I don't have any advice or wisdom to share, but I just wanted to both congratulate you on your engagement (!!!) and also say that my heart goes out to you. I think others will come through with great advice! I just wanted to send a virtual hug

Many people have narcissist parents, including some here. Nothing you say will please them so don't bring it up.

Hi, my mom is a raging narcissist, too!

She didn't come to our wedding because her name wasn't on the invitations (she didn't help pay/plan/support in any way), and she stopped talking to me in June '19. I blocked her on all platforms 3 weeks before the wedding.

BEST DECISION OF MY LIFE.

Our wedding day was completely drama free. Glorious.

So, a) you're not alone.

B) Let her have whatever reaction she wants, the key is to *not let it affect you*. The thing with narcissists is that they *want* you to react and freak out and feel awful and then lash out and then they get to be the martyr. So... don't do that. (It's HARD. Usually you have to go freak out in the car or your apartment later. Let me tell you that my MIL's bio mom is also a narcissist, and as DH and I were leaving one visit before I cut off mom, MIL called and wouldn't let me start the car until I had a HARD cry. She knew I needed it.) I went into my "Ravenclaw" brain, and just used logic and refused to have emotion when my mother goes full narcissist. On a detached level, it's funny, because you can watch her spin herself into the ground, trying to get a reaction. (I think we got up to four contradicting lies in one sentence. I was mildly impressed.)

C) Get counseling!! Seriously, my mother inflicted so much damage, and I'm only just now beginning to unpack it all. (Like, I *just* figured out why I have so many traumas around food, and they are nearly all her.)

D) DON'T DO IT ALONE. She wants you alone. She wants you undefended, vulnerable, and she doesn't want an audience. My mother always behaved "better" around an audience. Take your FH with you. It will change her reaction, and if she attacks him, you can say, "PEACE. We're out!" Or something.

E) If she refuses to come, well, that's her loss and says FAR more about her than you. My mother made her entire family stay away. Our friends have all but legally adopted me, my 'baby' cousins are on to the family dysfunctions (they still talk to me, it's great), and my mom and her family missed out on a GREAT party. Their loss!

*internet hugs*

Narcissists are the WORST.