Drunk groom = bad start to marriage

Not normal at all!!!!! Omg and age 37!!!!!!! RUN

@AmyD You deserve a relationship that makes you happy. This does not seem to be it. It seems like his values do not align with yours and if his expectations are to keep disappointing you as his friends have modeled - I would think twice about sending that license. This is definitely not normal behavior, nerves, or jitters.

If you don't want to be married, file to have it annuled. You married him clearly knowing that he is not the type of person you want to be with, counseling isn't going to quickly and dramatically change either one of you.

If this isn't what you want end it and move on

Im going to dig a lil deeper and say you gave him an ultimatum that said marry me or I'm gone. You two have been in a relationship a long time and you wanted to be married. Sounds like he really didn't want to be married. Who leaves his bride on the wedding night to go party with their friends except someone who really doesn't care. In the long run he's only doing what you allow. Counseling won't help because he doesn't want it. Maybe you should go to get some peace of mind. To clear your head to finally figure out if this is worth saving because if he's done this before the marriage and you allowed it to happen on your wedding night, I'm sorry but its not going to change now. Good luck but I think you already knew all of this.

You show him this thread it'll give him more reason to go out and stay out. Men don't like to have their business shared

I'm going to jump backward here for a minute and ask why you were upset about the vows.

I don't think you were upset about the words he used. Some couples who write their own vows make them mirror one another on purpose, which can be very sweet and sentimental, and of course married couples who do the traditional litany always say the same words.

So I don't think his *vows* bugged you. I think what made you upset was that he didn't appear to be as emotionally invested, or to have put in as much time and energy, as you. And while this is upsetting, the fact that you reacted so strongly indicates that this is not an uncommon feeling for you. I would be willing to bet that, whether you admitted it to yourself or not, you were feeling resentful that he might not contribute as much emotionally as you do. (I'm also basing that off of your information that he routinely goes out by himself, sometimes without alcohol involved, whereas you prioritize staying at home with your child).

If you weren't in touch with that feeling, you couldn't communicate it to him. Instead you let it be known that you were disappointed with his vows. Publicly. And my guess is that he either (a) had a feeling that there was more going on that you weren't telling him, which can be frustrating, or (b) was blind to the larger issue and didn't 'get' why you were so upset. Which can make people defensive.

So now you're wounded and he is either frustrated or defensive.

If you want to make a go of your relationship, to say nothing of your marriage, I would spend time in individual counseling, as well as couples counseling, to get an understanding of the reasons behind (both of) your actions.

If you choose to let this relationship go, for the well-being of yourself and your daughter, I wish you courage and I hope you know that there are people in your corner.

This kind of behavior from a partner isn't normal, but you're not alone. My best friend's husband did this on their wedding night too. It was a rocky courtship and an even rockier marriage. After 2 years she divorced him. She told me she never knew how miserable she was until the papers were filed.

If you're wondering if you should stay or not it's really simple. Does he bring out the best in you? Is he a wonderful father who helps you every step of the way? Does he balance you, willing to listen and care for you?

No: leave him

Yes: couples counciling

I always say that you have signs before the event. I'm sure this is not new. If it's something you can live with for the rest of your life good luck if not get out!

Maybe Im different, but Im prepared for my FH to be drunk on our wedding night. We live away from family and friends, so when we all get together we go crazy too. However, the vows really isnt a big enough deal to embarrass him. I dont think this is new for you, sounds like he got out of control with his friends....as usual

@amy this is not normal behavior! You should have been his priority during this wedding, and he shouldn't have been drunk off his ass. It's very disrespectful and a huge alarm going off. As little demon said, how many more times will he do this? My ex husband did this back when he was 21. My FH does not do this. I feel like your FH has a deeper problem them just wanting to be with his friends.

So sorry that happened to you on your wedding. It must have felt sad that for one of the most important nights of your lives unifying your commitment to each other and for your daughter that your husband behaved the way he did. Perhaps a new counselor is needed, maybe someone that can get through to your husband, and frankly to you as well. I personally have been through counseling. When it truly clicks it's as though blinders have been lifted from your eyes and you can see all the problems for what they are-complete bullshit. That hasn't happened for you since you went ahead with your wedding to a man who doesn't seem to consider you, or your feelings. Try a new counselor, both of you must put full effort in to have a healthy respectful loving relationship. If he, nor you put in effort it's best to separate now that your daughter is so young so it doesn't cause her any emotional harm.

Why do you have the license? And why did your officiant not file it for you or at least mail it in?

Also why would you marry someone who always parties?? I know you had a daughter with him but this isn't the 1950s.

Don't mail in the license. Take time to think of everything. Figure out yourselves and where you both really need to be. Honestly you both have to give and compromise.

As far as vows go did he want to write his own?

A lot of women suggest counseling. Honestly though, if it was myself and we needed counseling 3 weeks after being married I would find a way NOT to be married to him. Warning flags everywhere!!

Oh god....

no do not under any circumstances use WW to prove a point in your marriage. That seems very childish to me. Yes we offer support to each other but like come on ... have a talk between you two... be straight forward..

First of all do not show him this

Second of all... what is his reasoning for partying so much? Is it how he "relaxes" or "lets off steam", etc? I don't understand why drinking is worth fighting with you about it. It sounds like him going out is how he gets away from everything, and I'm wondering why he feels so strongly to do so?

I don't think it's OK but I would be more concerned on WHY this is happening and not that it happened...if that makes sense

from my perspective, it sounds like he doesn't have very much respect for you or your relationship

These all sound like issues that should have been addressed before the wedding. You don't mention anything about this being out-of-character for him, which means that similar antics have likely happened before. Seems like it could be a character flaw rather than a one-time misjudgement. I second the recommendation for counseling, if you still have any desire to stay with him.

Well, I don't know how it works in all states, but I am fairly certain the mariage license has to be filled in order for your marriage to be legal. At this point you went through the act of getting married, but your not really matried.

On another note going out once I a while to do your own thing is not Un-healthy on either side. You have a new baby, and that I itself cn be stressful. I know your priorities lie with your daughter, but perhaps once a month you should leave her with a family member or a baby sitter and YOU should get some down time out and about.

As for his behavior, there were warning signs as PP have stated. The problem is that we tend to be blind to them. People in bad relationships don't typically want to admit they are or were in a bad relationship. It's also hard to admit to the role we play in that. I was married once before and in a string or horrible relationships over the years as well (until now!). I never wanted to see the signs and always excused them or explained it away in some twisted way to myself. Not only did my exes drink and party and cheat they would end up getting physical. I'm glad you aren't going through that part but it doesn't make it any better.

Counseling for yourself is the way to go. Find out who you are, what you want out of life and how you want to be treated.

No one truly know the extent of your relationship except you and your husband. So it's hard to say leave him, but it's also hard to say stay. You ultimately need to do what is best for you and your daughter. It my be best to stick it out and work things out, or it may be best to part ways and move on. Based on what you say, it sounds like neither of you are happy. Ultimately that doesn't end well and turns into bitter resentment on top of other negative emotions. So take the time you need to figure out your next steps. Then as an adult move forward based on that.

No matter what I wish you the best and hope things work out for you and your daughter.

It sounds like you guys have issues on both sides. I would way up the counseling and let him know that it's the partying or the family. Twice a month is quite a bit and he's clearly immature.

Like so many of the comments, my heart goes out to you. This is not normal under any circumstances, and I am so sad as it seems like you have been made to feel it's all you / your fault.

As many have also said, you will benefit from counselling, alone, to rebuild your self esteem. But also, as much as you say ' he's a good dad' a father needs to treat his wife well so his daughter learns how to be valued by men - and to expect respect especially from the person she chooses to spend her life with. If this would never be 'normal' had it been your daughter, it is certainly not for you.