Elopement and gift etiquette

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I get it. Even though a gift is supposed to help the couple get started, it is still considered a thank you for the invitation to celebrate. Yes, you would think your nearest and dearest would send you some sort of congratulations (card, money gift, etc.)...but not everyone thinks like that and it's not required.

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Ok, you really need to just back down a little bit here. There is no way I can even begin to type our entire life story on here about what led us to the decisions that we have made. We stand by them, there has been sound rationale for each of our choices and I don't need to justify them to you. I'm sorry you disagree with eloping as a whole.

View Quoted Comment No one in this thread has said anything about disagreeing with eloping. We simply disagree that you get to be feeling any kind of way about not getting gifts when you chose to elope.

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No one is disagreeing with your decision to elope. LB is trying to offer advice for why your guests might not be as responsive as you think they should be to your celebration.

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I'm sorry I asked a pertinent question about how your guests felt. I dunno why you think I dislike eloping. That's not my stance at all. I've had a lot of friends (on here too ) that have eloped. I just think it's a different event and one has to realize that.

Maybe you shouldn't have the at home event if its causing so many issues and just be happy with your beautiful wedding day?

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Ok wow. There is so much lost in translation here since we aren't sitting down and having a conversation about this. We knew going into it that we were forfeiting gifts from most people by eloping. We thought this was odd since we don't have the same opinion about a gift in exchange for a party, but we can support ourselves and aren't relying on getting showered with gifts, so fine. We have just been a little surprised that there wasn't more of a mixed feeling on this. That some people would feel a gift is a thank you for inviting us, and some feel the same as we do which is that its about the marriage not the party. Sorry if I sound greedy. Most of the threads that I have read always just say - you eloped? no gift. With no rationale on what brought them to that opinion. I was wondering what people feel they are gifting for when they attend a wedding. Sorry if that offended anyone or sounded grabby in any way... definitely didn't post this so that I could feel attacked.

For me, it would be about getting an invitation to the event (ceremony + reception, or just reception if they eloped) AND my relationship to the couple. If my BFF or sibling eloped but no reception at home, I’d still send a gift. A gift for anyone else who eloped (friend, co-worker, cousin)? Nope. But if invited to a reception where food/drinks were provided, yes, I’d bring a gift regardless of my relationship because that seems like proper party-going etiquette.

Interesting to note, we threw a local reception after our DW and went full out: dinner, unlimited beer & wine, cake, band & dancing, but at least 1/3 of guests didn’t give us a gift. That’s not why we threw the reception but it was surprising.

I’ve never given a gift for something I wasn’t invited to. Generally I view gifts at weddings as a thank you like others have said. In my head I’m like oh they spent x on food and alcohol for me so I should get them a gift. And then obviously for showers gifts are the point of the party.

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Again, there is so much that went into this decision that I can't even begin on this forum. You just need to realize that people make decisions for a reason. I'm sure if you have ever planned a wedding, you know that there is a lot of drama over guest lists, there are divorced parents, there are people that need to travel, there are dates that work for some people and not others, cost, many many dynamics that go into the day.

View Quoted Comment I agree with all of that and dont disparage you for eloping. I was just trying to give you a first point view of someone who attended a celebration of marriage that the bride and groom didnt want and how it made their guests feel. Not saying that's what's occurring but it could explain the response of some of your guests.

PirateBride has excellent first place knowledge as well

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Thanks Adrianna, you are a breath of fresh air on here. We eloped at the end of February and are hosting a party in a couple weeks. Everyone was notified two days after about the elopement and the celebration party. We didn't have a "shower" because everyone says that you aren't supposed to have one if you elope. However, our parents and siblings knew we planned to elope - just not when - and they were excited so they threw me a small "sprinkle" with just the parents and siblings. Not all the women that would normally be invited to a shower.

I guess I feel that if I can't attend a wedding/reception, or if its an elopement for someone close to me, then I will send them what I originally intended anyway. Its personal preference. If you were going to get $200 at a reception, you will still get that from me.

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Agreed. We aren't throwing a party to get gifts. We are just surprised due to how close we are to the people on the guest list. We have even been in many of their weddings, so it just seems strange they wouldn't make more of an effort to celebrate our marriage with us, or even send a card to congratulate us.

Most people give gifts that equal the price of having them there at the wedding, if that makes any sense. Some people view it as ‘hey, you’re spending a ton of money to invite me, so here’s a gift that’s about the price, if not more’

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I know what it's like to feel attacked because your views differed from others. It doesn't feel good at all.

Oh, congratulations on your recent marriage! I think that if people bring you a gift, then great! If not, just don't be upset about it, ya know? You probably already sent invites out, but I was gonna suggest you could include your wedding registry on the invitation and even add a cute note about how you guys eloped, but that if you would like to contribute to our home, we are registered at... I'm sure even if you didn't put a registry, people would probably still bring you a little something at least to congratulate you! I would never go to a party like that without a gift, but that's just me.

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Please reconsider putting registry information on your invitations. That's not polite for wedding invitations and it's definitely not polite for parties after the wedding.

Eloping is a valid choice and there's nothing wrong with it. But asking for wedding gifts directly on the invitation to any party puts the focus on gifts and that is distasteful.

Anyone who wants to give you a gift will already know they may without being told. They will either give you money or ask you what you would like/where you are registered. There's no need for any other action.

If my friend or relative eloped I would absolutely send a gift. Its about congratulating them on this big milestone and wanting to do something for them whether or not I get a free meal out of it. I've never thought of giving a wedding gift as a thank you for being invited. I have given gifts to people whose wedding I wasn't invited to simply because it's a momentous occasion and I was excited for them.

View Quoted Comment Yup, that’s odd about your close friends, especially since you attended their weddings and gave them gifts. But after our experience it may be because for some people, it’s not just attending a reception party but also seeing the actual ceremony. Again, we threw a reception because we wanted to and were most happy the guests who did attend and celebrated with us! (Now, the guests who RSVP’d “yes” but didn’t show up... don’t get me started on that issue... but that’s an entirely different post 🤪).

If you are having a celebration of any sort after the elopement then you should register. If not, you can still register and include that info with your wedding announcements, assuming you are sending them, and maybe people will mail you gifts but I would be surprised. I personally would not have a gift shipped to a newly married couple if there was no type of shower, party etc.

No. I’ve never seen on Facebook that a friend got married and didn’t invite me to the wedding and thought, “oh, I should really send a gift.” Eloping is great, but you also sacrifice some of the more traditional wedding things like gifts, showers, and other wedding related events.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your input. I am not sure if you are telling me or Ashley, but I will not reconsider what I choose do for my wedding and my invitations. Every wedding invitation (and bridal shower invitation) I have received has always indicated their registry or their wedding website which has links to their registry. I am not doing anything out of the ordinary by including that, but good for you for standing by what you believe in