Emotionless Mother

Haha welcome to wedding planning. Get ready for a ton of unsolicited opinions and issues with no solutions. It's the most frustrating thing. Maybe they WANT to help pay for it and the idea of you having the wedding so soon stresses her out financially? My parents were very uninterested, I asked for their opinions, couldn't get one, went on with my plans, booked vendors, and THEN months later my dad tried to make me change the town I booked everything in. We're also paying for the vast majority and people have tried to strong arm me many times. Do what makes you happy. If they want to be included they'll get a better attitude eventually.

I haven't been in a similar situation as you, but if I were you, I would just stop including my mom. If she's not paying, she has no say in your venue, the food you serve, or even the dress you wear. I get wanting to share that with your mom, but if you are not getting the reaction you hoped for, I'm sure there are other friends or family members you could talk to who will be more supportive. Perhaps if you stop involving her, she will recognize that her reactions weren't great before and perhaps change her attitude if she does want to be involved in your planning. Good luck!

Honestly, I would quit talking to her about it. If your dad seems to want to talk to you about it then talk to him about it. As for dress shopping, you could go with other family or friends rather than your mom if she is going to make the experience unpleasant.

Is this a sudden change of attitude or has your mom always been a little detached? If it's the former, I would be a little more upset, talk to her to make sure she's not avoiding talking to you because she maybe doesn't approve of the marriage or something more deep.

I get you. I haven't even showed my mom the new dress because the first one I had she thought was blah. Our taste is very different. I showed her the venue she loves it but is now saying my plans aren't nice enough for the place saying I hope it's not ghetto. Really hurt me. Buuuut since then I keep planning to myself.

It sounds like she is slightly involved, so I guess that's a good thing? Maybe don't invite her to wedding related things & include people that have positive personalities & responses if you're able to do that.

Hmmm.......if your mom "requires" a plated meal, then maybe she can "pay" for it herself.

But seriously, I agree with PPs. This is your wedding, and FHs. Do what you want and don't share the details with anyone unless you are prepared to deal with a whole lot of opinions, some of which won't be positive. This is something I've learned in the last year. Nobody will ever be as excited about your wedding as you are, not even your mother. But there could be a lot of reasons for her detachment. Are you her only daughter? Maybe she has mixed feelings about you getting married, you know, losing her baby and all that. Who knows? The point is that you are entering a very exciting time in your life, and you have to take steps to make sure others don't ruin it for you.

Just keep the details to yourself, and hopefully she'll come around and be more supportive. If not, at least you're doing what makes you and FH happy.

This is my mom, I totally get it. When I called to tell her we were engaged her response was "oh cool." Like your mom, she's just not a very emotional person, even though she does a happy dance when her sports teams do well.

When I went dress shopping she was all "Oh, that's nice." "Hm, I think I like the other one better." And I didn't expect much more than that from her. I made sure to invite a friend along who would give me big reactions.

Ultimately though, my mom has been a rockstar in helping me plan. She does huge events and meetings for work all the time so she's handling the hotel and the table cards. When we looked at venues, there was one that we all thought was the perfect fit EXCEPT for the cost. When I told her we couldn't afford it so we'd have to keep looking, she told me she couldn't imagine us getting married anywhere else and she'd pay for it if that's what was stopping us.

She also "required" an open bar. I told her we had only budgeted for beer and wine. She ended up offering to pay for anything other than beer and wine.

Be up front with what you can do. If a buffet is what you can afford, tell her that!

I guess what I'm trying to say is, she might come around, she might not. She might be a total asset in your wedding planning but still not be emotional about it. Surround yourself with other people who will give you what you need, but also remember you and your fiance will ALWAYS be more excited about your wedding than anyone else.

I soooo feel for you! I have been having the same experience with my mother ever since getting engaged 10 months ago. She is incredibly wishy-washy- acting a little excited about something here & there, but mostly completely uninterested or speaking negatively about things I want/show her. Like you, I was worried about going dress shopping with her. And it pretty much ended up exactly how I thought it would- lots of forcing her opinions and not listening to my wants at all. It’s been horribly frustrating, confusing and saddening. I had hoped it would get better, but it hasn’t in nearly 10 months. I’m pretty much to the point of cutting her out of planning altogether, rather than continuing to subject myself to the constant disappointment. I hope your situation improves! If not, just focus on what makes you happy and don’t compromise on your vision for your special day!! Best of luck!!

She may be having a hard time processing that you’re moving into a new phase of life. As a mother myself I can say I’m genuinely happy when something great happens for one of my adult daughters, but inside I cry a little bit because my little girls are grown up and spread out. Maybe your mom doesn’t know how to handle this sudden turn of events. You just got engaged. Enjoy the feeling of that. For now do some planning quietly and then suggest dinner or a spa day with your mom - like a girls day out. I bet within a few days she’ll have settled into the idea and things will go more smoothly.

I feel like wedding planning can be similar to when you have a child - all the unasked for opinions, advice and stipulations start pouring in from everywhere! If your mom is going to bring you down, regardless if she’s not emotional or whatever her excuse is, I wouldn’t bring her dress shopping. You need to be lifted up that day and have love and support coming your way. I hate shopping because I’m not comfortable in my body, but getting my dress was the best shopping experience I ever had. When you find a dress you love, you don’t want to hear criticism about it.
also, about the buffet and the sit down dinner, tell her you will keep her OPINION in mind. As you said, you’re paying for this yourselves. You may find a venue you love that only offers sit down dinners, or a venue you love that requires your own caterer, in which case buffet would generally be cheaper. But at the end of the day it’s up to you. Your mom will get over it. Do what will make the two of you happy, because this is the day you will look back again and you want fond memories, not “oh I wish we hadn’t gone with that venue just because they did a sit down dinner like mom wanted”. Good luck ❤️

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I couldn't imagine the stress of already booking everything and then someone coming in to try and change the entire thing. That is madness! My fiancé and I have been talking with my own parents about paying for everything because we do not want to assume that anyone would pay for us. However, my fiancé told me that my mother was texting my FMIL and told her that we were planning on paying for everything ourselves. I was a bit frustrated because that is a complete assumption and my parents weren't offering to pay for anything nor asked if we needed help. (Of course not like I'd expect them to!) I just find it funny because my parents have not asked us. It's okay if they don't want to help us out, but I don't want her going around telling people it's because we said we'd pay for it all ourselves.

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Thank you for your help and advice. Yesterday she was telling me I should really consider a Saturday date instead of a Friday because it will be more convenient for the people who have to travel from out of town. Understandable, but when I asked her, "Would you like to pay the extra hundreds of dollars to thousands of dollars extra to only move it to the next day?" she said, "No." This is also the day we will always be celebrating and it's annoying that she's trying to push something that we've already decided on. Out of all people, I had hoped she'd be the most excited, outside of my fiancé, with me.

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Thank you for your advice! I'll try distancing the talk with her for a bit.

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She has always been a little detached. When I would come home with projects from school to show my parents, it was always my dad who was more interested than my mom. Thank you for your help! I'm sure I will have to discuss this with her in the future.

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Ah, I feel like my mom is doing the same thing with me. The place my fiancé and I are really like only offers a buffet since the food has to be catered. She really wants me to have a sit down dinner, so she keeps mentioning other venues that do have a sit down dinner instead. I'll have to keep everything to myself for a while.

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Yes, I feel like she picks and chooses when she wants to involve herself. Thank you for your advice

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Well, that's what my fiancé and I were thinking as well. It's going to be up to at least a grand extra, and it's not like she has offered to pay that extra money for a sit down dinner. You are right, we're going to be the most excited no matter what, and it's our day so we should choose what we like because we'll be the ones who remember it most.

I am my parents only child, so I feel like that could have a lot to do with it. I don't think she was expecting my fiancé and I to get married now so maybe it caught her off guard. However, a few months ago my mom asked if my fiancé proposed, would I say yes, and I obviously told her I would. Not that the conversation would have made it easier for her, but she did know that this was happening. Thank you for all of your advice!

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Thank you so much for taking the time to share your advice with me! I'm glad your mom came around somewhat, even if she's like mine and has a lack of emotions. Maybe if I tell her a buffet is what we can afford, she'll understand. It just seems that when she hasn't gotten her way through planning (and it's only been a few days) she gets very upset and irritated. Maybe she believes that she's trying to help, and no one wants to listen to her ideas?

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I'm so sorry that your mom has not been the most supportive person! I know she will be hurt if I don't take her dress shopping, so I texted my cousin who I would like to come with me that I need her to be my back up through it all. My mom has been the same way, interested in some things here and there. Like I was telling another, because the venue we like doesn't offer a sit down dinner, she keeps mentioning other places instead of being excited about the venue we may be picking out. It's just always negative before there's anything remotely positive.