Engagement Redo?

You keep saying how happy you are to be engaged, so just lean into those feelings and focus on them. A proposal story is just that, a story, and it doesn’t have to be cinematic or picture perfect, what matters is that you got engaged. Also, nobody ever asks about the proposal story after your engagement isn’t new any longer. I mean like, maybe a handful of times over the period of a life. So it truly doesn’t matter in the end.
I say this not at all to be mean or rude, but with genuine concern: I’d also seek therapy. You don’t need a proposal redo, you need to talk with a professional about how this moment not being picture perfect for you is causing you to not eat or sleep, which isn’t healthy or normal. Talk to a real mental health professional.

I accidentally ruined his proposal and we got into a fight, but in the end when I look back at it, I prefer what actually happened over what he loosely planned to do. He is not really a sentimental or romantic person so I think it ended perfectly. I do wish he would have put more thought into it, but I try not to dwell on that.

I would focus on being engaged and getting married! I think that even if he redid the proposal, it will not be the same. It will not feel any different to you since it was not the actual one than you think it will and it may not even live up to your expectations either.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for replying! Youre right and normally these things dont bother most people but I take everything to heart and my memories mean a lot to me, I can't describe it. So for one as special as this its not that simple. I also appreciate your concern about seeking help, but I already am in therapy. She is aware that I am just an extremely emotional and sensitive person by nature and when something stresses me out it tends to take a toll on me. But thank you

I’m sorry you feel this way. I can only offer opinion on what I would do if it was me. Your proposal story really had so many things go “wrong” that I would think of it as the most unique, hilarious story, something that we would be telling all of our friends & laughing together about it. It’s kind of something you would see in a rom-com movie really, where everything goes wrong so much so, that it’s actually perfect at the end, because your love is all that matters 🤗 I can already see the romantic kissing in the rain in that park at the end of the movie, in your cat slippers, your messy eyelashes & all lol.

You could also try to think of your wedding day being the well rehearsed & planned day, when you will look absolutely gorgeous & will take some beautiful photos!

On a more serious note, I do agree with pp that you not being able to sleep & eat because of something like this, is a real concern & something you should talk to someone about.

View Quoted Comment Youre right, I really try not to dwell on it. And that recreating it wouldnt be as special. And that theres more to look forward too. Thank you for replying and for the advice!

View Quoted Comment I’m glad you’re working through it in therapy. I would try to focus on the fact that moments in life aren’t always going to turn out the way we expect, but when that happens, it’s really helpful to try and see the joy in them anyways. No, your proposal wasn’t what you always dreamed of, but there are still so many details worth smiling about: your fiancé working so hard to get you to the park despite it all because he wanted to propose so much, the fact that he thought you were still beautiful in your pj’s, the fact that your sweet dog was there with you (and because you were able to save him, the choking detail might actually be something you laugh about in time), the fact that you were so HAPPY when he asked! All these things are good and wonderful.

It sounds like itll be a funny story to tell your kids. I see no need to redo. He poured his heart out and was sweet why is that not enough?

“Since my FH didnt really plan the proposal so well there was no one there to take pictures of us or record the moment happening so now I can barely remember it.“

You just described the day in vivid detail...

You sound incredibly ungrateful. A proposal doesn’t have to be a big production with fireworks and a photographer, that’s not what it’s about. It’s also not about how you pictured it. If you wanted it to go a specific way, maybe you should have proposed. Re-enacting it now, a year later, isn’t going to make you forget about the original proposal. It’s going to give you cute Instagram pictures to share with your friends, but they’ll probably think it’s odd since you’ve been engaged for over a year. You really need to let this go. If you can’t, I would seriously consider therapy.

View Quoted Comment Wow thank you so much for this and for being so kind. You've made me see it in a different light and it makes me feel better about it ☺️

I feel like if you re did it you would not really have happy sentimental feelings about it either. Cause when you look back it will most likely seem fake. Or. Done just to make it all perfect. Sorry can’t think of a better word. Just think of yours as unique.

So, as someone who also felt our proposal wasn’t what I imagined, (and I’m 1 day away from our wedding now) I feel like there’s a point where it really doesn’t matter anymore. Our story was basically that I knew FH was going to propose in the near future and I even knew when he went to go buy a ring. He told me he didn’t know what size ring I was and I wasn’t sure either, so when he got home from buying it he tried it on my finger while I had my eyes shut lol. It fit perfectly. That was the moment my stomach started to flutter and I was like “oh my god he’s going to tell me to open my eyes and he’s just going to propose on the spot” and it wouldve been soo perfect, but then he takes the ring off and rushes upstairs. Turns out the Chinese food he had eaten that had been sitting in the car for 8 hours that I had told him NOT to eat, had not agreed with him and he ended up getting horribly sick 🙄 romantic, right? So we ended up spending the rest of the evening together just lying on the couch. I started bugging him (partially joking but partially also truth said in jest :p) about when he was going to propose. He kept saying he was going to wait for the perfect moment to propose. I pointed out how perfect it would’ve been if he had proposed when he let me “try on” the ring. He was like “dammit! You’re right! That WAS the perfect moment!” 😑 Later he went to go shower so I ended up writing him this really long letter, since I actually felt bad about making him feel guilty that he had missed that moment and that I had been bugging him about proposing lol. It was basically just a long list of all the reasons I wanted to marry him, ending with “I’ll wait as long as you want until you find the perfect moment, but I’m ready to marry you as soon as you’ll have me.” He sobbed reading the letter and then said “you know what, any moment with you is perfect.” Then he got down on one knee. My reaction was “oh my god, are you serious? Wait are you actually doing this? For real?” Lol.

The frustrating thing I guess was that I found out what his actual “plan” had been. We have this one spot that we always go to when we visit Washington DC (we live in New Jersey) and we were planning to go to DC in March (we ended up getting engaged in December). He was going to wait until then and propose there, which would’ve been sooo perfect and meaningful. In hindsight I’m kicking myself over not just encouraging him to carry out his plan. Would’ve been 3 months later but worth it for the proposal story...... better than in our living room at 1am when he still had an upset stomach?

But like I said, at this point, I feel like it doesn’t matter as much anymore. When I had told FH that I was upset about how the proposal happened, his reaction was “well then I’m just going to have to keep proposing.” It’s been about 18 months since then and every once in a while we’ll just be doing something and he randomly grabs my hand and gets down on one knee and says “will you marry me?” It’s really, really sweet, and I think the point he’s trying to make (which I’m starting to understand lol) is that the actual “proposal” itself matters so little because he wants to marry me every day, and every day that we’re still together is another day that we’re making/keeping that promise.

So, I guess my point is, I would just let the story be your story. I don’t know that having a do-over would make you feel much better. And trust me, when YOURE 1 day away from your wedding, this will all seem very very small, and hopefully even laughable

Interesting how you started this post out with "spare me the spoiled brat comment...." as if you already know what a complaint like this equates without the first comment from anyone else. You painted a detailed picture.... and listed so many explanations as to why it wasn't perfect because YOU yourself weren't perfect in the moment. Guess what... your future husband or your perfect soul mate or the one for you, whomever that may be... Is NOT supposed to love the perfect you. They are supposed to love your inner core, your imperfect soul.... when you take vows for better or worse, you're supposed to mean that. So none of your imperfections listed at length above meant anything to him.... not a single one. All he cared about was asking you to spend the rest of your imperfect lives together. If you criticize yourself that harshly, what kind of criticism is he going to be experiencing.... "the dog is choking on wood"... how sweet a memory that your partner stopped caring about a single moment and started caring for something far more important... how special that a broken FAKE eyelash and messed up FAKE extensions are less important to him /unnoticed by him in comparison to the rest of your lives together. Love is supposed to empower you at your worst and truest to feel beautiful and accepted. Not judged... but vulnerable and yet brave. he is expressing that he is capable of that. Are you? Have you asked yourself why all these insignificant things mean more to you to fret over than focusing on being worthy of such love....? I don't like to provide negative feedback, but I also feel it important to respond respectfully to the post... as it seems perhaps you haven't held the mirror up to yourself in this moment. I have body issues, have experienced eating disorders, dated people who made me feel or even allowed me to feel like I had to be perfect. Therapy has helped me quite a bit most importantly to get to a place where I could be so overwhelmed and happy to get engaged..... with an eye infection that had caused exima around my eyes, the office calling nonstop to tell at me.... no photographer to capture it... and 2 kids getting stoned 20 ft from our picnic blanket. Life isn't perfect. Neither is love. Perhaps appreciate and focus on the blessing of having a partner that recognizes that and chooses you.

My thoughts: Get a grip. A do over just serves to make your man feel like ---- and it's never fun knowing it happened twice.

My advice: Enjoy it for what it is. Decades from now, it will be a story you share and laugh off. Hopefully

I was big fat pregnant and naked on my couch, sweltering in the heat when my FH proposed. Was it my dream porposal? No. But it makes me feel better because it was SO real. I was in a state of total disarray and he loves me that way.

I agree with others that your story IS perfect and romantic because it was "real" and YOUR story. A "redo" won't change the real story. If you haven't yet, you can certainly do engagement pictures that are more flattering (in your mind), but your engagement already happened and can't be changed. The night we got engaged, husband was having a heck of a time figuring out exactly how and when to do it, and nothing was going the way he wanted. I knew it was coming, but was trying to be patient and let him do whatever he wanted to do. Eventually, fairly late at night, we ended up in a parking lot at the beach and he asked me to go for a walk, after he fumbled around in the trunk of the car for a couple minutes. We walked out toward the cliffs, and he started to ask me. Just then, some random guy walked up and started "relieving himself" over the side of the cliff within 10' of us, and a police car pulled into the lot and over its loud speaker announced that the beach was closed and we needed to leave immediately. Frustrated beyond belief, husband thrust the ring box into my hand but told me NOT to open it as the way the night was going we'd likely drop the ring over the cliff. We went back to the car where his well planned speech turned into, "can we just do this?" and I saw my ring for the first time.... That was more than 33 years ago. In a couple weeks we'll celebrate our 32nd anniversary, and five months ago our daughter and SIL got married and made it clear they hope they have the marriage we do. I promise you, in the grand scheme of things the "perfectness" of the asking doesn't mean a thing. I agree with others that if this is completely overwhelming you, I would continue to talk with your therapist about it. The one thing I can promise you about marriage is that it will not be a never ending set of perfect memories. It will be messy and stressful and, hopefully, joyful and hilarious. On the best days of your life, you're not always going to "look your best" or be in the perfect mood. Good luck to you! As others have suggested, perhaps try working on seeing yourself the way your sweet fiance sees you and you may be much happier.

PS -- we LOVE telling our getting engaged story and think it is our PERFECT story!

I think deep down you know a redo won't make you happier, you'll know it was forced and planned and you'll just make yourself feel worse about that. Ruminating is unhealthy and taints everything, which I am sure you and therapist are well aware of.
You should take nice engagement photos, you'll know it's not THE moment but you can dress up, feel nice, plan it, make sure the dog is being watched, and it'll probably take a lot off your mind to have something nicer associated with the engagement instead.
Besides after the wedding hardly anyone ever asks, all the women I've talked to who have been married over 20 years barely remember their proposal and all of them said it wasn't important, someday we'll be like them and it won't even matter.
You clearly have a great fiance who loves you, even with sweats and half stuck on eyelashes, that's movie material right there! Enjoy the fact you are loved and make time to have good memories together while engaged. You can't undo the past but you can try to make the future feel a lot better.

It seems like everyone else is giving you the same story... my proposal wasn’t what I expected either.. we went to a concert, had an awesome time.. got home at about 2am.. and he just got in one knee and didn’t say a word lol... of course I was happy and said yes but not what I wanted.. I wanted a picture perfect proposal.. done in public or this huge gesture... but Nop.. none of that... it bothered me for the longest but I let it go because if it was the other way around I’d feel bad..... your story sounds very funny and something to remember... I wouldn’t do a redo because now you’re just acting, you’re not going to have the same reaction, he’s not going to plan this from his heart and so on... just focus on what you have now and let the picture perfect proposal go..

A redo wont make you feel any better. But my guess is it would make your FH feel worse. Put yourself in his shows right now. He tried to do something nice for you and you just complain about it and say how it was horrible.

Poor guy.

Take your story and make it what it is. Even though he’s on board to re-do, it still might make him feel a way if y’all go through with it. I would talk to him to see how he feels about it... sometimes is girls seem to forget that our SO have feelings too even though they don’t always express them. Here’s a thought... instead of recreating the proposal, why not have an engagement photo shoot and pose a proposal shot during your photo shoot. That would not be as awkward and would make for really good pictures! Looking back, we didn’t have the smoothest proposal story and something I wish we had was pictures! Hope that helps! Good luck!

Oh sweetheart! I know so many ladies who didn’t have the proposal they dreamed of. I knew mine was happening (literally) and that sort of put a damper on it for me as well. I get it! Don’t feel silly recreating it! I think that’s a beautiful idea and will be just as special! I must say though... the fact that he proposed while you felt your least attractive says to me that your man loves you sooooo much no matter what! And that’s pretty cool! Anyways just wanted to lift your spirits! Totally recreate it and don’t let anyone put down the idea! We only have one life 💓 xoxoxo