Etiquette and Expectations

The “required” stuff is a pain and such a headache. I too have struggled with wanting to just elope and skip all this but deep down I want to celebrate marrying my soulmate in front of our friends and family. It’s all a pain and honestly it’s up to you the way your wedding looks.

Technically the only thing required in a wedding are the people getting married, marriage license, someone to marry you and witnesses (if required by state) - that is... everything else is optional. Guests don't need to bring gifts, its just nice to do for people starting their lives together... or at least that used to be the case - most people seem to live together before getting married. People host a birthday party and they still get gifts, don't you think thats kind of the same thing? If you don't want gifts then don't register, simple as that but people will likely stick cash in an envelope so you're bound to get something.

Gifts are a guest's way of congratulating a couple on their marriage, not a thank you for hosting a party. Not really sure what you mean by guests feel like they are entitled to "random stuff." I think the only thing guests are expecting is to be well-hosted, which I think is to be expected at any party setting.

As far as gifts go, this isn’t really just another get together. Marriage is a milestone in life- at least for most people. I wouldn’t attend a birthday party or graduation party without a gift either. I’ll add that as a guest the only things I’ve ever expected for “my time and money” are to be treated the way I’d treat someone I invited into my home- somewhere to sit, and food and beverages that make sense for the time of day. I don’t invite people over at 5pm and not feed them dinner.

I don't know what guests expectations are, but the only thing I usually "expect" is to not have to pull out my wallet. If it' a cash bar, I won't drink (not the end of the world). If your ceremony is at a meal time, and it's a cake and punch reception (again not the end of the world), but I will be a bit annoyed that there isn't food especially if I had to already pay for travel and lodging.

When couples expect gifts at a wedding, and then complain on an open forum, I do roll my eyes a bit, because I agree with your stance. Don't throw a wedding expecting gifts. The problem with "pay for your plate" is that it tells poor people that they can't go to weddings without being shamed. And that those who host less expensive weddings don't deserve as much as someone with a larger budget.

I completely agree. The wedding celebration CAN be treated like “just another get together” IF that’s what the couple wants. I’ve seen several brides on here choosing to do very low-key events (some have even chosen to do backyard BBQs) where they have requested guests not bring gifts. If that’s the sort of celebration the couple wants, that is absolutely fine. However, I think the majority of couples do not wish for their weddings to be considered “just another get together” because it is a celebration of one of the biggest and most important decisions they will ever make- to forever join their lives with their partners and enter into a legally binding commitment with them. No matter what sort of celebration the couple chooses to have though, guests bringing gifts is always optional. Most choose to bring them because it is their way of congratulating and celebrating a couple (much like bringing gifts to birthday parties, graduations, baby showers, holiday parties, etc.). As far as guest expectations go, I think the only thing most guests are expecting is to be properly hosted. This means there should be adequate seating for each guest in a temperature/weather appropriate venue (ie, don’t have your guests sweating under a 90° noon day sun, etc.). If your celebration falls during a meal time, you should serve your guests the appropriate meal. All food and beverages should be free of charge - guests should NEVER have to open their wallets at an event you invited them to. Think of it akin to inviting people over to your home for a dinner party- you wouldn’t force people to stand while eating, then charge them for their food and drinks would you? Aside from these basic things, I don’t think anything extra is “required” (such as decor, DJs, music, flowers, entertainment, wedding party, etc.)- it’s simply how the couple chooses to celebrate their milestone occasion.

I think it would help if you provided specific examples, but going off the ones you listed, as a guest I expect to be fed a meal or heavy apps and something to drink, some kind of music/entertainment would be nice. All of that is standard for a party.

Guests should give gifts. You are celebrating an important time in someone's life, and they paid a lot of money to host you at the wedding. You don't have to try to "cover your plate" but you should give something.

View Quoted Comment I totally get what you mean and I like the birthday party analogy. As far as gifts go I was mostly thinking of the people who believe that guests should gift enough to pay for their plate or have certain expectations in mind of what each guest should be "worth".

In the context of the forum, I think people sometimes mix the perspective of the wedding host vs that of the guest. Sometimes people respond to these etiquette questions coming from different roles (ie as a host, maybe don't expect presents but as a guest, not many would agree it's okay to show up empty handed). I'm not sure if two should necessarily reconcile but in addition to different opinions from different people, sometimes I think the responses from the same person to a single question could be different simply depend on what shoes they stand in (guest vs bride)..

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I see, I don't like that either - my mom always told me give what you can - I don't expect gifts or people to pay for their plate (but I'm not part of the entitlement generation) I just want to celebrate my next chapter of life with my friends and family.

View Quoted Comment I think everyone agrees the "pay for your plate" expectation is way outdated. I don't care that much if my guests don't give a gift. It would be nice if we could get some cash toward our honeymoon, but I mostly just want to see them and just enjoy each other's company. The fact that most of my family are traveling 5+ hours to come is a better gift than anything in a box or envelope.

So, I think we probably disagree on a key thing because you mentioned you don’t feel it’s the guests responsibility to bring a guest since the couple decided to host a party. If someone hosts me - wherever - I bring a gift. Having me for dinner? I’m bringing a bottle of wine or flowers. Inviting me to celebrate your promotion? I’m bringing a gift. My neighbors have a small get-together bbq? I bring a candle or plate of food. I think giving gifts to hosts is general common courtesy.

View Quoted Comment I completely agree with that, I do the same. More than anything I meant that a host shouldn't expect that from a guest. While I definitely am the person who will bring something when I am a guest, I don't expect someone to bring anything when I host.

My belief when planning our wedding was definitely not that it was just another get together for us but a once in a lifetime event for us as a couple. While it might just be “another wedding” for some guests, for us and our close family and friends, it was a big deal, so we didn’t want our day to feel like any other get together we plan. While we will always have birthdays, 4th of July’s, etc. to host, those events happen each year. My husband and I only get to marry each other once, so we wanted to make sure our nearest and dearest were invited to celebrate with us since they have been with us throughout our journey as a couple. It honestly was so incredible to look around and see a room full of the people we love from all aspects of our lives.

View Quoted Comment I wrote this quickly and didn't word everything great lol. By "random stuff" I didn't mean actual items, but more how some people feel they are entitled to bring a plus one or things of that nature.

View Quoted Comment All of that is completely reasonable and makes sense! Thanks for your input!

View Quoted Comment I do think that's part of it. By going to the event you are expecting to have anything you would need paid for. I'm not actually saying that's wrong, it's just an opinion that people seem to take sides on lol.
My example of gifts was geared towards people who expect guests to pay for a certain amount. I completely agree with what you said!

View Quoted Comment I think that, especially for an occasion like a wedding, then I do expect my guests to at least bring a card. I think it’s inappropriate and almost sending a message to go to a wedding completely empty handed.

View Quoted Comment I honestly had never heard of that until I came here. I agree with you that someone showing up is nice enough, gifts are a bonus.

Personally, I am just not a gifts person, at all. I think there are too many occasions where you're expected to give a gift and it makes me super uncomfortable to give or receive them. My FH and I have a no gifts policy, and instead we go celebrate with a dinner, outing or vacation. I've struggled with wedding planning because gifts are so expected - you must buy your bridesmaids proposal gifts, make a registry so people can buy you gifts, have a bridal shower where people watch you open gifts, you must gift your SO and your parents and your bridal party on your wedding day, etc etc. I don't want any of that and I've gotten a lot of pushback from more traditional family members. I just want to host my celebration and have my friends and family show up and that's it.