Etiquette and Expectations

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I feel the same way about gifts. That's one of the (many) reasons I didn't have a bridal shower or a wedding party. I do send gifts when I attend weddings, but I am not interested in all of the rest of it and the hyper focus on gifts displayed here (how to get more gifts, how to get money instead of "boxed gifts", why didn't so and so give me a gift, why didn't more people come to my shower and bring gifts, etc.) makes me uncomfortable.

As for the OP, it's written so vaguely that I can't really give specific opinions. But I will say that I think it is very important to remember what weddings are for (joining two people in marriage) and what elements are literally required (couple, license, officiant in most cases). Then, thoughtfully consider the extras that fit within your budget and that you both really want. Leave the rest, no matter what anyone in your life says (as long as you are treating any invited guests humanely).

I also think it can't be said often enough that etiquette (treating people politely) is completely separate from tradition (varies wildly with location and family; e.g., cake cutting ceremony, having ushers). Traditions should absolutely be questioned for their relevance to the couple and abandoned if they don't suit. Treating guests politely (chairs for everyone, enough food if it's a meal time) never goes out of style.

My take on etiquette and expectations generally is that you will never with 100% certainty please every single person and that is totally ok – we are all raised with certain values, beliefs and practices and the reality of the matter is that it is impossible to meet everyone else’s expectations all the time and comply with every single etiquette rule.

For example, you mentioned an expectation regarding bringing gifts to weddings. I personally was raised in a European household where we were taught that anytime you attend someone’s home or event, you come with a gift, whether it is a bunch of flowers for a birthday dinner, or a cake when visiting someone’s home. By the same token, we always attend weddings with gifts and where monetary gifts are given, we will try and gauge a suitable figure to cover the cost of the marrying couple inviting us so that they are not out of pocket (at least not by much) for our attendance. I have friends who will come to my house with half drunk bottles of wine or a cake that’s already been cut into, and others who attend weddings without brining any gift. How I was raised, I find both practices to be in poor taste and would never do either myself, but realistically, for those people, that is their norm.

This applies to a lot of things generally – some people think certain things are necessary, others don’t. Some adhere to certain etiquette rules, others have their own set of etiquette rules they abide by. Some people expect certain things, others do not.

Religion aside, everyone’s culture is different. In mine even just for a get together you must bring something. Even if it’s just a dish, drinks or flowers, no one shows up empty handed. It’s a small thank you to the host.


I personally like to keep up traditions.

I understand where you are coming from. I’m not a huge fan of the etiquette police. It’s not a one-size-fits-all event! Personally, I only give a gift because it’s expected (I’m just not a big gift giver) & I could care less if someone comes to my wedding and doesn’t give a gift 🤷🏻‍♀️ Also THANK YOU CARDS 🙄….why this matters so much to some ppl I have no idea. I actually don’t like receiving thank you cards after weddings….because I know it was written out of an obligation to comply with “proper” wedding etiquette. Like you, I’d prefer a genuine, heartfelt “Thank you” in person or by phone. But, I will write and send the cards because other ppl like that sort of thing & it’s a small inconvenience.


Hosting your guests means taking care of their basic needs & expectations (food, shelter, social interaction). How you decide to do that should be up to you. But going above and beyond makes it memorable. And if you do decide to buck tradition, you should probably at least prepare yourself for some criticism (due to certain expectations). 🙄
That being said, I totally disagree that a wedding is just another gathering. I’m not religious in any way & I still view marriage with the deepest respect. For me, it has absolutely nothing to do with religion or some big party, but with the commitment that 2 ppl are making to each other & their willingness to share that moment with a chosen group of ppl. Believing this way is actually the reason that I get a little peeved reading some of the comments on other posts. It seems a lot of ppl forget the reason they were invited to the wedding!

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Thank you cards is honestly the thing that made me write this post lol. That was part of what I meant by "guest expectations" because you're considered rude if you don't send out cards no matter what. But I've realized I didn't word everything well when I quickly wrote this.

I totally understand where you're coming from with a wedding not being just another gathering. While I don't tend to think of my own wedding in that way, I do think it's sometimes easy to get lost in what weddings are truly for and the bond that they signify.

View Quoted Comment Yes! I was not directing my ire at you. But it does get a little frustrating reading how judgmental and insulted ppl can be when their expectations aren’t met. I don’t remember a single meal from any wedding I’ve ever been to. I’ve never complimented the dj or cake. And I have NEVER expected to get a thank you card 🙄 (side note: anytime I mention thank you cards, eye roll emoji must follow). As a bride, I gave delegated the registry to FH because I want nothing to do with it. Actually, I will probably delegate the thank you cards to him as well 😂

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If he had even remotely legible handwriting I'd put that on my FH in an instant! He's an engineer so the only thing you can actually read that he writes are numbers 🤦🏻‍♀️

It's funny, because I've also seen a lot of people say you need to show up with something, and it reminds me over and over again that FH and I drove across the country so he could be in his friend's wedding and we completely forgot the card in the hotel. Brought it with us the whole way there to realize once we got home that it came back with us 😅 We had already sent them a gift to their house, so we just ended up not giving them a card... whoops. I didn't realize until I got on here that we were ridiculously rude for forgetting it lol.

It just seems so alien to me that one wouldn’t want to thank someone for a gift?

View Quoted Comment I do want to thank them! I just would rather do it in person or over a phone call because that's a more genuine thank you from me personally than a card.

View Quoted Comment Then do that! I am big on thanks you cards and correspondence in general, but if it’s really a problem that is going to make you frustrated and taint the whole thing for you, do what works for you.
In my case, I would hate calling everyone! And most of my friends would think I was nuts because phone calls are for emergencies LOL

View Quoted Comment My plan is to send out specific thank you cards for gifts. I know I'll be seeing our guests again soon after the wedding since we're only inviting people we see on a regular basis, so the plan is also to give a more general thank you for coming in person or on the phone the next time I see/talk to everyone.

View Quoted Comment Sending thank yous for attending the wedding is a a new thing to me. I’ve honestly never heard it until last week on here. Gifts, yes, a written thank you card is considered polite, but not for just being there.

View Quoted Comment I really didn't think it was a thing either until recently. I don't quite understand that one

View Quoted Comment I don’t think it’s a widespread thing, to be honest.

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I have previously be scolded by the WW Etiquette Police because I said that I will not be giving out Thank You cards to guests who do not bring gifts. Personally I fall into the school of thought that believes the reception is the ‘thank you’ to guests, hence written cards will only be given to those who bring gifts.

View Quoted Comment I have several old etiquette books, it’s a fun hobby. None published past 1990 though, so it must have started after that. I have sent many a thank you card after being hosted for dinner parties, etc, and have never gotten one for attending.
Thankfully most of my guests will be of my generation and won’t pass judgement on me. It really doesn’t make sense to me.

I couldn’t agree with you more. I am getting married for the 1st time at 38 yrs old. We are paying for our own wedding and we are far from traditional. We sent out online invitations for 75 of of friends to watch and elopement and then party with us all night in celebration of our love for each other.

Oh, that's interesting.

We did digital invites and planned to do digital thank yous as well, but I was hoping to personalize the ones who gave gifts with something meaningful (Dear Auntie Joan, thank you so much for the cake cutting set, it meant so much to have something you'd chosen to cut into our wedding cake rather than just the one provided by the venue. We intend to engrave it with the date and use it at birthdays from now on!)

and the others would just be generic (thank you so much for attending our special day, it meant so much to have you all there and we loved having you.)

Overall, to respond to the thread as a whole, I think there are lots of elements which are unnecessary, but as others have said, you'll never get consensus about what is ok to leave out and what to leave in, so you just kind of have to go with your gut. And whilst some things are like 'meh, literally no one missed that' there's a whole spectrum (for me at least!) which goes from mild disappointment through to actual disapproval as being a bit rude.

At a recent wedding I went to for example, they had no cake. Now, they provided delicious desserts so they totally didn't NEED cake, and presumably didn't want to dillweed around with the cutting etc, so why should they pay an extra $600 or more for something they don't want? Buuuuuut... I don't know. It just felt a bit unfinished without one, although I respect their choice entirely! It sort of... rounds off the evening's formalities somehow. But I like that it was a choice they felt they were able to make and that was reflective of their personalities.

If they'd made everyone pay for their own meals, or asked for a cash donation of a specific figure or something - that would be in the unconscionably rude category in my mind.

Hopefully I'm making sense here!

It’s funny, I’m getting a lot of her from my to-be in laws about non traditional stuff (not having a bridal party, not wanting formal pictures)


I’m with you on the no gift thing. I’m not even having a shower. Truth is, I don’t need anything! I’m having a destination wedding and will just be so happy that folks are spending their hard earned money and sharing a vacation with me!
Everyone should do what works for them! And if people don’t like, are they really your friends??