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Danica
Savvy February 2023

Etiquette Conscious Aunt Wearing White @ My Wedding

Danica, on October 7, 2022 at 10:45 AM

Posted in Etiquette and Advice 59

Normally In this situation, I couldn't find myself caring. However, everyone always talks about " who wore white" to a wedding and will never shut up about it, so here I am.. annoyed that forever this will be brought up. However, my aunt has always been someone who keeps up with appearances, has...
Normally In this situation, I couldn't find myself caring. However, everyone always talks about " who wore white" to a wedding and will never shut up about it, so here I am.. annoyed that forever this will be brought up.


However, my aunt has always been someone who keeps up with appearances, has been badgering me with formalities about the way I have planned my wedding.
Ex: wanting plated meals instead of food stations, requesting very specific wordings on invites, telling me that digital invites are not real ( even when we're doing paper and digital versions ) etc
( by the way she isnt paying for anything, I don't know where she finds the audacity)
My wedding is in a super insanely gorgeous 1912 botanical garden, we asked guests to not wear white or wear any florals since the venue is already floral enough and very busy when it comes to the greenery and vines that are occurring all over the intimate setting. We said solid colors.

That's some context for you; I was in the phone with her a month ago and she told me she found a dress. She wanted to show me it. The dress is: - Cocktail length - All White - One dainty black flower trail on the bottom portion.

This is 100% inaccurate to what I stated on the site.
However, this is the part that I need advice on.

I told her " it's too white." She straight up said " it's not." I said it is. I'm the bride, and this is the only moment where I've put my foot down.
I then texted her 3 weeks later informing her once more, it's too White.
Well, My aunts sister in law saw the dress and told her ( without talking to me about it first) " it's too white."
My cousin ( her own daughter ) said " mom that's too White. You can't wear that."
My other aunt and her daughter visited last week and told her without me saying anything to them, " that's too white."
My aunt told these people " I'm going to pretend I didn't get Danica's text."
My cousin has offered a mother daughter day out where they both shop for a dress and spend time together, she refused.
My aunt wore white to my brother's wedding and dress rehearsal too.
I don't know what to do, but I'm seconds from texting my planner and informing her to invest in a 4XL bright pink shirt that says " I WORE WHITE" and have her wear that all day.
This aunt is like a mother to me, I'm so hurt that she's formality forward and knows the meanings of all these things and for some reason does this?
I need advice!
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59 Comments

  • A
    Expert September 2022
    Allie ·
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    Wow, this is 100% on point! Cece coming through with the facts. This is a brilliant insight!

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  • Michael
    Rockstar October 2023
    Michael ·
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    We see various discussions on WW where families respond badly to weddings. Gladly this seems to be a minority. Sometimes people in these families had bad marriages. I don't know if this applies to the aunt. She may be decent in all other respects but reacts to wedding events in this way. I think it is the bigger (or more stable ) person who can see beyond the quirk so as to enjoy the wedding despite that quirk. Various things can go against one's wedding plans -- this appears to be a minor problem. Like one bride mentioned, even if things go wrong in the wedding event, she still gets married to the one she loves.

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  • Danica
    Savvy February 2023
    Danica ·
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    Cece!


    Thank you! I drafted a text to her and hit send.

    " Guests have been showing me what they're wearing, and I just want to check In again with you on the matter since you didn't reply.
    Anne ( mother in law) got her dress altered when I got mine done, and Katie's mother showed me hers recently too. It just made me think more on it is the last few days.
    I originally intended to have this conversation with you via phone call, but I can't bring myself to have the mental energy given the amount of back and forth I've had with [INSERT PERSONAL SITUATION HERE]
    Normally I wouldn't care about this, but guests are bringing it up to me, which has now been making me care more. They're mad for me; and I'll never hear the end of it.
    I told you a few months back that your dress is too white, but I didn't hear back. I've been informed by multiple people that you have been told it's not appropriate, but gave no word or indication that you would compromise on it.
    I am hurt by this decision you're making, as someone who is very familiar in formalities and very detail oriented, I'm a bit taken aback by your choice in deciding to wear white when you know that's not proper etiquette.
    I'm letting you know, you will be offered a cover up should you wear white to the wedding, or you'll be asked to leave and come back when changed.
    This situation is being thrown at me and at the end of the day, I'm informing you so you're not caught off guard if you choose to wear white.
    Our wedding website has been up since Feb 11, 2022 and the attire is stated, it says no white.
    When I was on the phone with you I was informationally overloaded, and upon introspection, it's not appropriate.
    If you want to, I could even come up to Boston and we could find you a dress you'd like and make it fun trip where we pick one out for you.

    What is more important to you- a dress, or supporting me on my wedding day?"
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  • Erin
    Super May 2022
    Erin ·
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    Cheering you on here! Her attitude is petty. Dress < Niece. Hopefully she comes to her senses after reading your text 😂


    the-office-yes.gif

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  • Danica
    Savvy February 2023
    Danica ·
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    My Aunt wrote me back:

    "No worries. I am going through a lot up here. You have no idea. I don't plan to burden you with any of my issues. I will not need to be asked to leave and please don't spend any money on a cover up for me. I do not appreciate the fact that you took your concerns over my attire to all of the people that "are mad for you" as you have stated You have humiliated me to them before I have even met them. I do not agree with your comment on that it's too white. I was so excited about it being retro vintage for your garden wedding. Up here in Boston its perfectly acceptable to wear what I bought. I have shown people that are from high society on Newbury street and Martha's Vineyard before I even purchased it. All thought it was perfectly acceptable for your type of wedding. I showed them pictures of your venue and explained what you had planned. It is not white. I had it paired with red accessories and a black petty coat. But I would never have worn it after I received your text. I don't know why you think many people have told me it was inappropriate for your wedding. I have had no one say that besides [ her daughter ] after you talked to her. I have always been credited for dressing nice by strangers that stop me on the street. NEVER EVER would I wear something that would embarrass you. I too have looked up online to see what they said about black and white floral dress and stand by what I said. I can show you screen shots of all I found. But evidently the difference between what is appropriate for a Boston attire and Florida are not the same. I'm hurt and disappointed in that you would even think I would wear it after you told me your opinion. It's your wedding I have said to you in the past it's YOUR wedding others should just do What you want it's your day I am upset that you called [ her daughter ] and spoke to her about my dress before I even showed it to her. You have made me a laughing stock. I did not think it necessary to text you back as there was no argument. Your wishes I had planned to oblige."

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  • Danica
    Savvy February 2023
    Danica ·
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    My Aunt wrote me back:

    "No worries. I am going through a lot up here. You have no idea. I don't plan to burden you with any of my issues. I will not need to be asked to leave and please don't spend any money on a cover up for me. I do not appreciate the fact that you took your concerns over my attire to all of the people that "are mad for you" as you have stated You have humiliated me to them before I have even met them. I do not agree with your comment on that it's too white. I was so excited about it being retro vintage for your garden wedding. Up here in Boston its perfectly acceptable to wear what I bought. I have shown people that are from high society on Newbury street and Martha's Vineyard before I even purchased it. All thought it was perfectly acceptable for your type of wedding. I showed them pictures of your venue and explained what you had planned. It is not white. I had it paired with red accessories and a black petty coat. But I would never have worn it after I received your text. I don't know why you think many people have told me it was inappropriate for your wedding. I have had no one say that besides [ her daughter ] after you talked to her. I have always been credited for dressing nice by strangers that stop me on the street. NEVER EVER would I wear something that would embarrass you. I too have looked up online to see what they said about black and white floral dress and stand by what I said. I can show you screen shots of all I found. But evidently the difference between what is appropriate for a Boston attire and Florida are not the same. I'm hurt and disappointed in that you would even think I would wear it after you told me your opinion. It's your wedding I have said to you in the past it's YOUR wedding others should just do What you want it's your day I am upset that you called [ her daughter ] and spoke to her about my dress before I even showed it to her. You have made me a laughing stock. I did not think it necessary to text you back as there was no argument. Your wishes I had planned to oblige."

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  • A
    Dedicated October 2022
    Alisha ·
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    I know you said no white or floral, but have you thought about letting people wear white?

    Maybe contact everyone that's close and kindly ask them to wear white if possible. It doesn't matter what they pick - they won't top you. If you worry, add a veil on top of your dress, so it's obvious for anyone to tell you are the bride.

    Maybe tell your aunt if she doesn't change her color you will have a white dress only event, the fact she wants to be different may actually tick her off (petty revenge lol)

    Another option is to send her a text, mentioning if anyone shows up wearing white, security will escort her out. You won't even see them.

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  • Erin
    Super May 2022
    Erin ·
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    Oh boy. She wants this to escalate. Don’t feed into her want for drama. Simply text back:


    “Ok thank you for respecting our attire request.”😂
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  • Danica
    Savvy February 2023
    Danica ·
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    Oh yeah she wrote me more after this and I was like " it's not all about you."


    I told her I loved her.
    She said I have a bad way of showing it.
    I said thanks for respecting my choice.
    She said I need to stop talking about it.
    Essentially.
    I can't win. I just. Lolol
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  • T
    Beginner October 2029
    Tia ·
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    I honestly don’t think I would invite her. Although you may have a relation with her, she’s not being respectful towards you. I would put my foot down and tell her she can’t come anymore. I’m sorry you going through this.
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  • Danica
    Savvy February 2023
    Danica ·
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    I want to as well; I know I'll never get sn apology for it.


    I'm glad it's in text format so she can forever have a trail of how she spoke to me In case she wants to paint this scenario differently.
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  • T
    Beginner October 2029
    Tia ·
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    Yeah, I just read the text and it just came off as it being about her and what she thinks is acceptable. I truly hope she just respect your wishes at this point. Please keep us updated!
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  • A
    Expert September 2022
    Allie ·
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    Ok so I have some thoughts about her reply....haha

    I’m not super sure why/how ‘going through a lot up here / you have no idea / not gonna burden you with any of her issues’ is relevant to the topic at hand, but it almost seems like a guilt trip / deflecting / insinuating that you shouldn’t have contacted her about the dress topic because she’s much too busy with other, bigger issues. I don’t love that!

    And wait a minute, I thought people (for example, Person A) talked to her separately (before you and Person A had spoken about it) and then Person A contacted *you* to discuss how inappropriate her attire would be? In that case, *you* (OP) wouldn’t have “[taken] your concerns over [her] attire” to people she hadn’t met.

    Also, what in the heck does it matter if she doesn’t “agree with your comment” that it’s too white?! Bla bla bla about high society… she’s picking and choosing instances of people agreeing with her to bolster her argument….does she really need to feel like she won the argument? Why can’t she just respect your wishes without the diatribe? You guys even requested people not wear white and/or florals? It doesn’t matter if it’s not “white white”…any type of cream / ivory / light gray / whatever is a no-go for weddings.

    All in all, her message seems like “I’m right. I would never do what you’re asking me not to. You’re wrong – I’m right. Everyone agrees with me. You should feel guilty about it.”

    Yikes – I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that, but I’m glad y’all talked about it and got the air cleared between y’all. And I’m glad she won’t wear a white dress to your wedding!!

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  • Kayla
    Just Said Yes September 2022
    Kayla ·
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    You nailed it, it’s your day!! Family has informed her that the dress is not appropriate. If she showed in the dress, you could kindly ask her to leave. So sorry you’re going through this!!
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  • Danica
    Savvy February 2023
    Danica ·
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    More replies:



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  • Danica
    Savvy February 2023
    Danica ·
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    Etiquette Conscious Aunt Wearing White @ My Wedding 1
    Etiquette Conscious Aunt Wearing White @ My Wedding 2


    And now you're caught up.
    I'm stunned.
    I'm actually glad this wasn't a phone call and was in texting format because we can never play a " who said what" game.
    Apologies are owed, I'll never get them. She created this situation not me. She needed to respond to me the first time. She blew up in my face. This is a problem within herself.


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  • Danica
    Savvy February 2023
    Danica ·
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    I added another update.


    I have a lawsuit coming from a sexual assault I spoke out against In a metoo movement. He's suing me for it so she's saying she's saving me the headache from my other stressor. Which is weird and bizarre to say because I want to know her worries and woes too?
    Your other point: She's making it up. If you see the other texts I post she straight up admits that she's spoken to her daughter and her other niece for me on the white dress. When she said previously she's only shown one person. So she can't keep the story straight.
    She told her own sister in law, her sister, her daughter about the dress. I told all those people, my father in law and mother in law, and well, you guys now. Technically she hasn't met you all but that doesn't matter. I was seeking advice and she doesn't know that part. The people I told in person have already met her so she's grasping at straws for me to feel guilt on.
    The other part: Yeah I agree. It also feels sorta " classist?" To bring up Martha's vineyard and Newbury Street up to me acting as if wearing white to those weddings is good, but maybe Florida isn't the same? It's not a state thing...
    Also we're all talking about a $35 Amazon dress. It's not like she bought a $$$ white dress or anything..

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  • Shannon
    Super July 2022
    Shannon ·
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    This is a lot. Two things you are supposed to do as a guest leading up to a wedding are: don’t wear white or stress the bride out. People with common sense know this
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  • A
    Expert September 2022
    Allie ·
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    Holy smokes, first of all, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. No one should ever have to endure what you've endured. I admire your strength to stand up to your attacker!

    Ooohhhhh interesting - you are right!! Wow....that is fascinating. Definitely a huge guilt trip....and she just lays it on thicker and plays the victim in the text exchange. All of the sudden, when you're firm and call her out, she insists you "end it" and "leave it alone" as if you're the one who's creating the drama......(eye roll)!!!

    And YES I couldn't put my finger on it at first, but this high society garbage is really out there and super classist. I don't know what Newbury Street is, so I guess I'm far from high society haha. But she is insinuating that the two areas have different sets of societal/cultural norms on wedding guest attire. And I don't pay too much attention to celebrities or any of that, but I think I would remember seeing celebrity wedding guests (like in a magazine or something) wearing white....pretty sure they would get booted out of the wedding too.
    Holy cow - all this over a $35 Amazon dress that she just *has* to wear......... wow. It boggles my mind why someone would insist on wearing a certain item of clothing to someone else's wedding, after a polite request from the couple/bride to not wear that item. While I'm glad the issue is resolved for now, she'll probably sulk quite a bit and talk with others about y'all's exchange (of course, spinning it a very specific way).

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