Etiquette for Groom's Family Offering Money

Why not just have a discussion with your brother directly? I mean, these are his parents, and he is the groom. Can your parents not sit down with him and explain their intentions? Seems a lot more direct than trying to come up with a non-offensive way to talk to the bride about it.

Beyond that, the phrase you have suggested seems fine to me.

I, personally, would not like this as a bride. It seems very pushy that the parents of the groom are only willing to help with the cost if they hire a specific photographer. I would only take the help if it comes with "no strings attached".

If they already know the specific vendors they want to pay for, i think they should just sit your brother and FSIL down and say “we’d like to contribute and these are the vendors we’d be willing to pay for up to x dollars”

It seems fine but why can't your parents talk to them and just be like listen we want to help but don't want to step on toes. We have money set aside so we would like to pay for whatever you want (without going over set amount). When you find something you want us to pay for let us know.

That sounds good. I would just be cautious that they don't come across as making their wedding like your wedding. My FH's brother got married this past September. Any time I tried to talk about our wedding (after their wedding), all FMIL would say is "oh, I really liked so and so at their wedding." It was VERY annoying. Nothing wrong with their wedding, but I don't want the same things and vendors. So I would just caution against it coming off in that way to your brothers FW. Are her parents paying for their wedding? If so, I would just have your mom let them know that they set aside money to help as well if they need it or would like to use it for the wedding. If not, I would just have your mom offer it up to pay for their wedding. I personally wouldn't be offended if anyone decided to offer to pay for things for my wedding. Me and my FH are paying for everything ourselves. I also know my family wouldn't be offended if FH's family paid for anything.

View Quoted Comment That’s not what the OP said at all. She wrote in the message they’re able to choose whomever they’d like and to just let the parents know and they can send a deposit.

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It seems like they would only pay a deposit on a specific photographer, but the bride can choose another if she would like. Or maybe I misunderstood.

View Quoted Comment I read it as they really liked the specific photographer, but they’d be happy to pay for any photographer the bride and groom want.

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Gotcha! Sorry for misunderstanding! That would be great then.

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Correct, they would be able to choose whoever they wanted, and my parents would still pay for it.

That sentence seems fine, but I do think I probably would be inclined to pick a different photographer than my sibling just so the pictures didn’t feel too similar ! 😱

i also think it’s fair for your parents just to have an open conversation with the couple about willingness to contribute. Honestly it sounds like you all might be overthinking a bit! Also for what it’s worth, both my family and my husband’s mom contributed to our wedding. My husband and I are the only ones who know: how much the whole wedding cost, how much my parents contributed, how much his mom contributed. And I like it that way! They’re only overstepping if they actually overstep! (Examples would be: overriding her parents’ decisions because they’re giving more, throwing weight around to get their weight loses as hosts etc). If they are just interested in giving a dollar amount, they should, and leave it at that. Approach the couple, give them the money, tell them to do what they please with it. IF they don’t want them to do what they please with it and have some specific requests— that’s fine too . Attach said stipulations *as long as not contrary to brides’ family situation

I would talk to your brother privately, and ask what her parents plan to contribute. I'd let them know you obviously plan to host the rehearsal dinner, but would like to pay for some other wedding-related expenses as well. If she says photographer, I would just say that, then you reach out privately a few days later & recommend yours. Then ultimately the bride & groom are making that decision. I assume she would pay for the photographer regardless if they picked the one you used or not?

View Quoted Comment This phrasing sounds perfect to me, I should’ve just “ditto”ed instead of typing out my own 🤣

I also want to clarify, me as the sister will NOT be having these conversations. It will be between my parents and the couple. My mom's just trying to figure out what to say/how to say it, and I'm trying to help. I will offer my help generally ("if I can do anything, please let me know!"), and then let her approach me!

Holy crap, 50k is so generous, wow! You have amazing parents!

To clarify, are they intending to pay for the photographer regardless of who your brother and FSIL choose to use? If so, I would phrase it more like: “If you'd like to hire a (photographer/band/wedding planner) we would really like to pay for it. If you tell us who you’d like to use and we’d be happy to send a deposit. If you want recommendations, we know of some great vendors from Lilah’s wedding. Just let us know.”

Just a slight change but mentioning that she can use whoever she wants and they’re happy to pay for it first, and then mentioning that they do have recommendations as an afterthought, may seem less pushy on her to use the same vendors but still presenting the option if she wants. Honestly if someone suggested a great photographer to me and offered to pay for it I would be thrilled to have both the money and the recommendation 😂 but maybe better to present it this way in case she wants to choose her own vendor

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Oh I really like this language. Thank you!

I had another thought about this. Do the two sets of parents know each other? I ask because, if the bride's parents are paying for a lot of the wedding, your parents could approach them directly, saying something like "we'd like to help out with the cost of the wedding, let us know what you want us to pay for...." That might be less awkward than approaching the bride about it. idk.

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They've met once, so not super well. I think my parents would be more comfortable discussing money with the couple?

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I agree. I would feel obligated to pick your photographer because they are paying for it. She should just offer to pay for photographer and send her a list of good ones, including yours.

Should definitely be a phone call or in person if possible!! Have your parents chat with the couple and let them know they’d like to contribute to help make the day extra special, and that they’d like to OFFER to fund the photographer (and whatever other vendor they think might make up the rest of the 50k). Then, if the bride accepts, they can say Awesome! If you liked the photos from our daughters wedding we can give you their info, or if you find someone else you prefer, just let us know where to send the deposit!

Thats so so generous of your family and it’s very kind that they want to respect boundaries as well. Im sure as long as it’s communicated with that intention no one will be offended.