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M
Savvy February 2020

Ex Husband's last name

M, on December 15, 2019 at 9:24 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 18
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My ex husband and I had a child together. We divorced as soon as it was legal to after our child was born ( you cant get divorced while pregnant in Wisconsin) because he was an abusive man in every sense of the word. I had kept my ex husband's last name so far for my son's sake, but I'm about to remarry and this entire time I've had my ex's name I've hated it. It has been a constant reminder of the abuse and it feels like a last grasp of control he has over me. My son having his last name though reminds me that my ex is his father and my son deserves my respects given to his father. My son shouldn't feel punished for loving his father even if I don't. Plus my ex would never go for changing his last name. Now that I'm getting remarried I'm lost on what to do with my name. I would honestly prefer and love to have my new husband's last name. One day though my children with my new husband will have my husband's last name and i dont want my son (who wont have the same last name) feel like less of the family. What do I do?

18 Comments

Latest activity by Rosanna, on December 17, 2019 at 8:47 AM
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    You can change your name. I have students with different names than their child. Don't need to keep the name. Your son is still your son. It's understandable that you don't want that name in your life.
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  • John Smith
    Expert February 2015
    John Smith ·
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    A lot of the couples I know who have been in situations similar to this have changed their last name while their children’s last name has remained what is was.
    The entire purpose of marriage is the coming together of two people, and part of that “coming together” process (as was created by society at some point way back when) is the women taking the man’s last name (or vice versa). It symbolises your new identity as husband and wife and your relationship to each other.
    Obviously this isn’t something you have to do, but if it’s something you want to do then you have hundreds of years of tradition backing you up. Your son is still your son, even if he doesn’t share your last name, just as your daughter would still be your daughter even after she got married and changed her last name. How old is your son? Is this something you could talk to him about?
    Best of luck xx
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  • VIP November 2021
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    Change yours and maybe if you have more kids in your marriage you can Hyphenate your sons last name so he has both ??
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  • Alyssa
    Super December 2021
    Alyssa ·
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    I would never keep an abusive husband’s name, not even for the continuity of the children. ESPECIALLY if I was getting remarried. Having different last names is not a big deal anymore.
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    I would 10000% change my name. Unfortunately there’s no perfect option and not sharing a last name with your son happens to be the downfall of this one. There are other ways to make sure your son feels included. I promise he won’t think about this the same way you do.
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  • Kelsi
    Expert June 2020
    Kelsi ·
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    I respect your choice not wanting your son to feel less of a family member. But I promise it won’t matter to him as he grows up. I think it has the potential to hurt your FH and the children you have with him if you were to keep your other married name. Have you discussed it with him? I think as your son grows, he’ll see his dad for who he was to you and he’ll respect your decision.
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  • Rose
    Devoted February 2020
    Rose ·
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    I have my ex-husband's name as well but my sons are now 18 and 21. I'm changing mine to my new hubby! I can't wait. Honestly the only reason why I kept it is because he asked me to and it was too expensive to change all my military uniforms over! haha

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  • Mandi
    Master October 2020
    Mandi ·
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    Change your name.
    Leave your sons name alone if his father is still in his life.
    Have kids with your new husband.Name them accordingly.Dont treat your first son differently or allow your husband to treat him differently.
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  • Nicole
    Super October 2021
    Nicole ·
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    You change your name and don't change your son's. When he is old enough he can decide if he'd like to change it as well, but i think its perfectly fine for him to have a different last name from future kids.

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  • Cyndy
    Master May 2019
    Cyndy ·
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    I would absolutely change your name. This is a new beginning for you and your son. As he gets older you can explain things to him. He will be fine. There are tons of kids from divorced and remarried families.
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  • 2d Bride
    Champion October 2009
    2d Bride ·
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    If the issue is that you want everyone to have the same last name, why not have your new husband change his? He doesn't have children already, so he wouldn't face the same issues as you.


    This is one reason that I am always wary of women changing their names. If you set up the expectation that everyone having the same name is important to your being a family, then your changing your name can easily imply to your son that he's no longer as much a part of your family. Plus, it's a lot easier to explain keeping your own name in the first place than keeping your first husband's name when you marry your second husband.

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  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    Funny. Earlier I met up with my BF and the last name thing came up because she asked would I take my FH's last name and she explained where she is from the women keep their own name and that is what she and her husband did. Her daughter from her first marriage has one last name, her daughter with her current husband has the hubby's last name and neither matches hers and no one things twice about it.

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  • Ingrid
    VIP October 2020
    Ingrid ·
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    I would have a conversation with with your son and explain to him that you're getting married and will be changing your last name to that of your husband. Children are smarter than we tend to give them credit for, and I feel that honesty is the best policy because it can't be manipulated.
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  • Fany
    Devoted October 2021
    Fany ·
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    May I ask Why did you give your child his father's last name?


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  • Fany
    Devoted October 2021
    Fany ·
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    I personally would not keep an abusive man's last name.
    I used to work in international HR and it caused so many issues when an employee was going overseas and the child had a different last name than him or her. Maybe you should consider hyphenating your last name?
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  • M
    Savvy February 2020
    M ·
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    We were married at the time. Wisconsin state law, you can not get divorced while pregnant and my last name was my exs at time of birth, my ex probably would not have allowed me to hyphenate it and a judge would not have granted me the right to hyphenate it since my name wasnt different.
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  • Katie
    Devoted March 2019
    Katie ·
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    I think changing your last name is a great idea, and something you really want for yourself, but are worried about what other people may think. Understandably, you worry about what your son may think, but this shouldn't come as a slight to his bio father at all. Many people have many last names and you sound like a truly caring mom, and even with different last names your son will know how much you love him (which will also, no doubt, spill over with love from your new husband and any new family members as well!)

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  • R
    Just Said Yes July 2020
    Rosanna ·
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    I agree with the words of Annagi. Your son remains your son. In my opinion, you should not be angry with your ex, because you have a new life. You should be grateful to him for his son and your first joint experience in family life. Say thanks and let go.

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