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Alessandra
Savvy October 2021

Falling out with my father

Alessandra, on January 9, 2021 at 5:00 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 23
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Hi, october 2021 bride here.

in light of recent political events, my father exploded on me for having a differing opinion the other day in a manner that i thought was inappropriate and disproportionate. i tried my best not to escalate anything and to maintain a civilized tone, but i guess he wasn’t really looking for a pleasant discussion. not the first time this has happened either. back in march, he tried to manipulate me into changing my political activity because of his health (he’d just had heart surgery). i didn’t speak to him for about a week or so after. would’ve thought he learned from that. we’re not speaking again.
i feel conflicted. of course, i want my father at my wedding. but i worry about his anger issues and toxicity resurfacing with a vengeance later on in my life and i don’t want my future husband and future children to suffer through that. currently, i wouldn’t trust him to be alone with my children.

23 Comments

Latest activity by Rebecca, on January 12, 2021 at 4:33 PM
  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    It's up to you but maybe you should give him a final warning that politics are not up for discussion when you two interact
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  • Alessandra
    Savvy October 2021
    Alessandra ·
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    That’s what i told him last time and we’ve had civil discussions on politics since (always initiated by him), so i guess that’s my fault for not maintaining the boundary
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    All you can do is set up boundaries and stick to them. Keep saying no. Don't invite him because you want to remember your day as being happy, not fearful and toxic.
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  • Eri
    Super October 2020
    Eri ·
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    I'm sorry you're going through this. Even if you limit talking about politics, I think a lot of these issues go to the core of who you are as a person and how you see the world, so it can be hard to just.. table them.

    DH is close with his dad, but has a strained relationship with his mom. They had been working on repairing their relationship and then things sort of reverted. She was not invited to the wedding.

    They used to be very close, so I know he felt sad that she wasn't there -- but more because she's not the person he used to think of her as.

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  • Alessandra
    Savvy October 2021
    Alessandra ·
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    Yeah, my family has a long history of just ignoring things and let’s just say that my younger brother and i still deal with the effects of the resulting trauma today. i find myself terrified that even if i avoid talking politics with him, his thinking would just become more and more radicalized and i wouldn’t even know. thank you though, i appreciate the support.
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  • Mrs. Spring
    Master April 2021
    Mrs. Spring ·
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    You must start following through. If he does it again, leave while he's in midsentence and tell him you'll be happy to chat again when it doesn't pertain to politics
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  • Michelle
    Master April 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Boundaries my friend, boundaries. Set them & stick to them. I agree with Mrs Spring- if he insists on bringing it up, leave.
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  • Mrs.a
    Master October 2021
    Mrs.a ·
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    Awe lady, I feel you...I’ve been having a hard time talking politics with my parents as our views are differing...but it seems we are finally coming to some form of mutual understanding and respect for one another. I’ve been trying to think of a way to communicate to them and guests that we do not want any discussions of politics at our wedding. But I don’t know how to address that.

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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    People generally don't discuss politics at a wedding. If they do, they are not there for you.
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  • Mrs.a
    Master October 2021
    Mrs.a ·
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    Good to know

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  • Alessandra
    Savvy October 2021
    Alessandra ·
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    Remember though that applies to normal people. like people who don’t go nuclear on their kids twice in 9 months over politics. i’m glad that your parents seem cooperative and reasonable.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    If you feel his behavior will cause issues, do not invite him and do not allow anyone to make you feel guilty. Set up boundaries and do not let anyone break them down. Toxicity is never ok no matter how someone is related to you and sometimes you have to sever the relationship for your own safety and mental health. Those who love and support you will stand by your decision.
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  • Mrs.a
    Master October 2021
    Mrs.a ·
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    I hope so. I feel nervous though at the same time...it’s like constant eggshells
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  • Rebecca
    Master August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    I'm sorry, my mother is toxic, too.

    First and foremost: *YOUR* health and safety come first.

    If you aren't in counseling, I cannot emphasize enough how important and helpful that would be.

    Since he is so volatile, I would not recommend having him at your wedding. This is hard, I know.

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  • Alessandra
    Savvy October 2021
    Alessandra ·
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    Sending hugs. You shouldn't be in constant fear of an eruption from your loved ones, especially during a stressful time like wedding planning.

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  • Alessandra
    Savvy October 2021
    Alessandra ·
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    I've had some bad experiences with counseling and therapy in the past so I'm a little apprehensive. But my fiance and I have started pre-marriage counseling (Catholic marriage) and I'm already starting to notice some benefits from even doing that, so I think I'll start individual counseling soon.

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  • Mrs.a
    Master October 2021
    Mrs.a ·
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    Likewise, I would welcome any recommendations for how to suggest to put politics or talk of politics aside at my wedding.

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  • Mrs.a
    Master October 2021
    Mrs.a ·
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    I can understand where you’re coming from. It’s taken years for me to find the right therapist or the right kind of therapy that I find beneficial and helpful is just managing stress in my life.

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  • Alessandra
    Savvy October 2021
    Alessandra ·
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    I think that the other commenters provided perfect advice. Set clear expectations for those you feel would be inclined to talk about politics a at your wedding. Let them know what the consequences will be if they ignore your boundaries (this can range from being asked to leave in the moment, no contact for X amount of time, and so on). Then have some trusted guests periodically float around potential rule-breakers during the wedding to help enforce whatever you decide.
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  • Mrs.a
    Master October 2021
    Mrs.a ·
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    That all sounds like a great plan! I’m just nervous in addressing / confronting the issue, but it needs to done just based off of past interactions.

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