Family Drama

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Wow, I am so so sorry you have gone through that. It truly is so hurtful. I just received a long-winded email from my uncle yesterday, blaming me for my own abuse and accusing me of hurting my "poor mother." I am seriously considering removing myself from the entire branch of the family. He copied my ENTIRE family on the email, saying I'm making a "grave error" by marrying my fiance and hopes I will come to my senses.

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Thank you so much, I really appreciate it.

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Wow, that is absolutely unbelievable. I am definitely going to go to therapy. I think dealing with the guilt/self-doubt is the hardest part.

View Quoted Comment Oh, I have some thoughts for your uncle.


Block him across EVERY platform - Skype, Facebook, your phone...Don't respond. He's so far out of line, just step aside and let him fall off the edge.

As for me?
Therapy. Can't recommend enough.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your mother crossed a line by physically assaulting you, and I'm glad you reported her. To echo the sentiments of what many have already said, I think from this point on, you need to leave your family, especially your mother, out of the planning. See how they handle that, and then as it gets closer to the wedding, you can give more thought to whether or not they deserve to be invited. I have friends and family whose political views I disagree with, but I know how to play nice, and for the most part, so do they. My fiance's best friend is on the opposite end of the spectrum that my fiance is, and yet they've been like brothers for nearly 15 years. If you and your fiance have been able to find common ground elsewhere, and he's still the person you want to come home to for the next 50+ years, then that's what really matters. Eventually your family is going to have to accept that you two are a package deal from here on out, and they'll have to make decisions of their own.

Just out of curiosity, how has your fiance's family treated you? Do they share his views, and if so, have they accepted that you don't think the same?

View Quoted Comment Couldnt have said it better. I'm so sorry OP.

Sounds like you just saved a bunch of money by switching to a micro wedding! Spend it on a lavish honeymoon and post fabulous pictures for all to hate

I am so, so sorry about your family situation. As someone who grew up in an abusive home with a narcissist (something I posted about), it is absolutely nerve-wrecking to struggle with wanting a family close together, or doing something on a more individual basis in terms of a wedding.

Part of the problem is that most parental abusers do have some good qualities as people, and memories from growing up, but that does not excuse their behavior.

Narcissists don't have boundaries. They thrive on manipulation, gaslighting, and overstepping their boundaries to make you compromise yours.

In short: Don't. Give. Them. An. Inch.

The fact that your mom physically assaulted you tells me that she has absolutely no boundaries and cannot be reasoned with. I definitely agree with reporting her to the authorities- but I realize that this may be hard on your heart. Do consider that if no one does this or stands up, she will continue this behavior. For your sake, I hope you don't live in close proximity where she can destroy your property or attempt to sabotage your life.

It is sad that the country has manipulated politics and we have become too polarized to the point where we have forgotten that it is bad manners to discuss politics at a dinner table or an event where the focus should never be politics.

It is also "traditional" to buck tradition in certain ways for any wedding.

If you have a community of any sort -religious, sports, interests, etc. you can bring them as honorary family members. If this isn't the case, I hope that you have a warm, loving, and accepting relationship with fiancé's family. I won't deny that it can feel supremely lonely, but with your fiancé being an absolute rock, take solace that you made the right choice for a husband, and creating a life (or family if you choose) of your own.

As for myself, I have spoken to my boyfriend about having a private, morning ceremony between us, an officiant, and witness. Just the privacy, a moment between the two of you alone before a larger ceremony with a mixed family dynamic might be an idea to consider- but don't invite your mom.

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Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I haven't been on this site in a few weeks which is why I haven't replied yet! I'm so sorry you've grown up in an abusive home as well. It truly does take SO much work to recover and begin to heal, change your perspectives, etc. I feel like everything I was told as a child needs to be reexamined. Fiance and I are actually moving forward with plans to have an elopement/micro-wedding in Spain, just the two of us. His family is so loving and accepting, I feel so blessed to have them in support of us.

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Exactly! We actually just signed the papers with an elopement planner in Spain, for a ceremony of just us two. We are absolutely ecstatic.

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CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

All I can say is I am happy you found someone who loves you and supports you and will be able to create a family with someone who doesn't turn to assault when they disagree with your choices. I am so sorry you are in this situation but think much of the advice provided here has been great. Best of luck to you and wishes for a happy, healthy marriage!