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Dedicated July 2020

Family Drama

Rachael, on February 19, 2020 at 5:50 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 9

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So my dad and I are not horribly close. He was military when I was growing up so I never really got to see him and I was taken away by a case manager when I was 15. Since then I've re-established contact with my father and he was very mad at me for announcing a wedding because due to traditions he said he'd pay half of the cost. Well as of now my fiance and I have paid 30% and my (deceased) mother's mother has paid for about 35%. Not a dime has come from my father whatsoever.

My adopted father (who I told first) helped me get the save the dates and the invitations out and in general is being more supportive and excited for this wedding.
My bio father recently got into a new relationship and she's demanding that She gets to do my makeup and hair and nails as a gift (to me) that she comes as my father's date, and that I invite her children and grandchildren.One of her son's actually works in the same field I do so I see him in meetings sometimes and we discuss work. I've never met her other son's and I've met her daughter a handful of time to pick up the granddaughter and bring her to my dad's. I know if I don't honor this and invite them my dad's girlfriend will take this out on me and my father but I'm also kind of mad at my father for making a huge deal out of something that he's already completely failed to do and telling her it's okay to invite these people without even consulting me first! My FH said that my best bet at this point is to just focus on my adopted family, as they have been nothing but kind to me since they adopted me and my bio father is all around not the best kind of person. I'm honestly not sure what to do as pissing off his girlfriend will ruin whatever bond my bio father and I have finally built up.

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9 Comments

Latest activity by Pam, on February 25, 2020 at 8:16 PM

Legend July 2019
MrsD · on February 19, 2020 at 6:04 PM
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I think you should invite her since he is dating her. I'm not sure if her kids need to be invited though, unless you have the room and are okay with it. If you want her to do your hair, makeup & nails you totally should but it's 100% not needed if you'd rather do your own thing. I just wouldn't bring up wedding things with your dad more often than you have to.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on February 19, 2020 at 6:40 PM
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I do not feel she needs to make demands in that she will do you hair and make up and all that. Who does she think she is? I agree with the pp that it is appropriate to invite her as that is her relationship but I would kindly decline her demands in regards to the wedding day and especially inviting her kids and grandkids. Tell her due to budget you cannot accommodate all those people but you will be happy to have those two there. I hate to say this and I hope it does not ruin things between you and your bio father but you are his daughter and it is yours and your FH's day and your father needs to put her in her place about all these demands and if he cannot then you stand your ground and either those two can come or not come at all but either way her kids and grandkids are not coming. Also, I agree to focus on your adopted family as they are more supportive and that is what you need now.
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Master May 2021
Cristy · on February 19, 2020 at 7:05 PM
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Ok, first of all, nobody gets to make demands on you, the Bride, for your wedding day. She is extremely rude for demanding anything. And your dad is extremely rude for allowing her to do that. Your relationship already sounds fragile, and he's pretty much never been there for you in your life, yet thinks he can dictate what choices you make for your wedding? Nope. Not happening.
Dad's girlfriend should be invited with your dad, as they are a social unit, and that is proper etiquette. That's it. That's all she/they is/are entitled to. If you want to extend more, such as an invitation to her kids and grandkids, by all means do that. If you do not want to do that, there is no rule of etiquette that says you should. I wouldn't. And if they continue to hassle you once you decline their demands, I would consider not even inviting them as guests. You don't need that kind of negativity on your day.
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Master 0000
Judith · on February 19, 2020 at 8:07 PM
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She may just have a pushy manner, but in fact means well, a gift of her services. And you can nicely tell her you have made other plans, and really feel that guests should not work on wedding day. That she and bio-dad should spend it together.
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Dedicated August 2020
Bride123 · on February 20, 2020 at 12:37 PM
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THIS!

How many grandchildren does she have and what are their ages? For example, I had to cut all children under 18 on my side (1) because I don't have room and (2) I don't really want kids there, even though my fiance is inviting some from his side. That might be a good way to eliminate some without having to make it contentious. Sorry we're not inviting any children.

It's really unfortunate he's putting you in this situation. I'm going through something similar with one of our parents inviting friends without asking us, so I totally understand the awkwardness and uncomfortableness you're going through. It's not fair to be made out like the bad guy, when basic manners of "you don't invite someone to someone else's party without asking them first" seems to have been forgotten on their side.
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Savvy August 2021
Dajia · on February 20, 2020 at 2:16 PM
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In all fairness, just explain you can't afford to have another handful of people added to your list, it's still an expense that you will have to figure out. Even if you can afford it, that money could go towards your future home, or paying for one of the vendors. I think this is a selfish move on their part. It seems some people are afraid of being irrelevant in your life, so they are trying really hard to make it about them and their feelings by pushing their desires on you. You're FH is right, however your father is entitled to attend especially with his woman....but all those kids and grand kids...idk..it's a ceremony celebrating a union, not a big free party.
Good luck my friend.
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Dedicated July 2020
Rachael · on February 24, 2020 at 12:29 AM
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As an update: I officially paid off the wedding and not a single dime has come from my biodad whatsoever. Not even a dollar paid to a vendor. My adopted parents have paid for invitations, save the dates, and decor so. We're just pretty mad at him right now
We went over rehearsal plans with the officiant and she asked which set of parents will be taking a role for which part and I stalled over the answer.
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Super September 2020
Naikesha · on February 25, 2020 at 5:14 AM
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So he didnt pay for anything why did you stall? If he hasn't been in your life then you allow the only people who have been parents to you to do what parents do.
You can allow them to walk down the aisle or you can have both dads do it since it seems you want to keep the peace. i say your adoptive dad has the role but it's your wedding.
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January 2014
Pam · on February 25, 2020 at 8:16 PM
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She's his girlfriend, so she should be invited but her kids/grandkids? No way. Put both feet down on this!
Thank her for the offer of hair, etc but tell her it's already covered.
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