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Just Said Yes November 2023

Family Invite Conflict

Lacey, on November 5, 2022 at 10:35 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 8
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Hello friends. This may be a long one.


TLDR: looking for advice on holding my ground on not inviting family members who have hurt me or other loved ones.
Getting married on 11.12.23. FH and I have started our preliminary guest list. I am running into two issues regarding my family. I do not have a good relationship with my maternal grandmother. She has caused me and other members of my family a lot of hurt over the years. She and my grandfather are not in good health and we are having the wedding in a different state than where they live. My mom is asking me to still send her and my grandfather an invite with the understanding that they probably can’t come anyway. I understand why should want me to at least send an invite, but I have told her I CANNOT have my grandmother there on the big day, so I don’t feel comfortable sending an invite. I already approved the rest of the family on my mom’s side as well as her best friend from high school and her husband (which was an easy choice as her friend is the kindest soul who has done a lot for my family over the years).
Now for my dad’s side. He does not have a lot of family still living. His sister (my aunt) is someone who likes to push buttons and seems to have little regard for the way her words impact others. She and I have very different values. I am concerned about her interacting with my FH’s family as she does not hesitate to make her opinions known. I know my dad is going to be really hurt if I don’t invite her and it is going to cause issues as I am inviting his brother and his wife.
I understand where my parents are coming from, but I also feel that people who have chosen to push boundaries, hurt people, and dig their heels in when confronted over the years do not need to be at the wedding. Help?

8 Comments

Latest activity by Caryn, on November 6, 2022 at 12:42 PM
  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    Since you are resolute in not wanting your grandmother in attendance, I would not send an invite. While I understand your mother’s reasoning for requesting it, since she likely wouldn’t be able to attend, it does still leave you open to the slim possibility that she will accept the invite. Then you will be stuck in the awkward position of either having her in attendance, or having to be rude by revoking the invitation. It’s much safer to simply not send an invite. As far as your aunt goes, I would invite her. Just because she shares opinions that are not shared by you, it doesn’t mean she will do so at your wedding ( let alone with complete strangers). And even if she does, everyone is an adult and completely capable of tactfully ending a conversation they don’t want to be a part of.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
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    I would stand your ground when it comes to your grandmother. While I understand your mom's point of view that doesn't mean your grandmother she automatically be invited because even if she is sick and the wedding is in another state there is still the chance she could decide to attend. As for the aunt, I disagree with you. I think she should be invited especially if you are inviting your other aunts and uncles. Just because someone has different opinions than you doesn't make them automatically a horrible person. Unless you are having a very tiny wedding you likely won't have to interact with her very much. I would also just have her sit with your family which she would be more comfortable with anyways since she knows them and it would limit her interaction with your fiance's family. Even if she does share her opinions and someone doesn't agree with that opinion they as adults are perfectly capable of ignoring her or changing the topic.
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  • L
    Just Said Yes November 2023
    Lacey ·
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    I see why y’all would say to just invite my aunt. I acknowledge that just inviting my other aunt and uncle very deliberately excludes her. I know that would cause a whole host of issues.


    I do want to clarify that we aren’t just talking a difference of opinion. Yes, I know adults can just leave conversations they don’t want to be a part of. She has a long history of making targeted, derogatory comments to people in my life. That’s my concern. I don’t want to bring someone to is so willing to hurt others into an event full of the people I love most. I did not say she is a horrible person, just that the way she interacts with people is often hurtful.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
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    In that case, does your dad realize she acts like this and therefore you don't want her at the wedding? Or is he somehow completely unaware of behavior? Are others aware this is how she acts or are they also going to be surprised if she wouldn't be invited?
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  • L
    Just Said Yes November 2023
    Lacey ·
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    I don’t think a lot of my family would be surprised. On my dad side there is quite a bit of willingness to overlook the things she does and says. But everyone who has been around her for a period of time knows. Again, there are not many living relatives on my dad’s side.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica Online ·
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    Then maybe just talk to your dad and explain how the things she has said in the past are extremely upsetting to you and because of that you don't want her at the wedding. Hopefully he will be understanding.
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  • L
    Just Said Yes November 2023
    Lacey ·
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    I will. I do hope he’ll understand. I don’t want to hurt my dad by not inviting her. It’s just hard.
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  • Caryn
    Devoted November 2023
    Caryn ·
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    If you eventually end up inviting the aunt (which I am not saying you should), definitely make her someone's responsibility. If your dad really wants her there, then it is up to him to babysit her and keep her from saying nasty things to people at your wedding (particularly on your FH's side).

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