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Expert August 2021

Family issues

Katie, on May 31, 2021 at 8:42 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 9

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As some of you know from one of my posts. My fiancés mom pulled the plug on our wedding in their backyard, all because my mom accidentally booked my shower the day his mom had a wedding she never told us about. My fiance argued with his parents about it for a week and how horrible they are.

Well now his mom feels so horrible about what she did and realized how extremely wrong it was of her. She has been trying to make it up to us. She told us we can have it in her backyard again and she would pay for everything. I told her over my dead body. His parents have been calling around trying to find us a new venue. We did end up finding a new venue it was actually are old venue that we previously lost because of covid. However my fiance has forgiven her but he told them that they are skating on thin ice with him. His parents have never done anything like this before so I can see why he has forgiven them. I told my fiance that I would probably never forgive her for what she did and I would never have the relationship with them that I used to but for him I'd at least be cordial with them.

Well now my mom is pissed because she wants revenge on his parents. She is now making the shower even later in the day to make sure that his mom totally gets screwed and again I totally understand. She feels we are just letting what she did go and giving her, her way. I told my mom that I understand her frustration but at the end of the day I have to make decisions that are best for my marriage and future family, Just like I know my fiance would do for me if the shoe was on the other foot.
But what upsets me is that my mom has dealt with my dad's family for years. Making fun of her to her face and making her feel so unwelcomed from the start and she wouldn't say anything because she loved my dad. Or my sister in law almost destroying our family with a really terrible lie years back and my mom sucked it up for her son. The other day she even surprised my brothers wife with a birthday cake for her birthday and a $50 gift card. But she thinks I should force my husband to be to completely cut his parents out of his life for good. And keeps telling me when I bring up what she does for the ones she loves that my situation is different. But I don't see that much of a difference. Idk what are your thoughts?

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9 Comments

Latest activity by devotedlydavis, on May 31, 2021 at 9:17 PM

Master September 2019
Sarah · on May 31, 2021 at 8:45 AM
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My thoughts are that both sets of parents are being unreasonable and immature and you both need to set boundaries with each of your parents before they all collectively destroy your relationship.
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Expert August 2021
Katie · on May 31, 2021 at 8:54 AM
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Thank you for your insight I appreciate it. I told my mom if she was going to make it purposely so his mom couldn't attend that I would not being going to the shower. And he told his parents that they would just be regular guests at the wedding, they will have no special dance or anything. His mom bought my mom this really nice wooden flower pot that she wants me to give to her, with a note that says she is so extremely sorry for what she has done to me and my husband and how she will be spending the rest of her life trying to make it up to us.
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Expert August 2021
Katie · on May 31, 2021 at 9:02 AM
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And no I'm not saying that his mom can mess things up and then give us a gift and all will be forgiven. All I'm saying that she is trying to fix what she has done.
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Master May 2019
Cyndy · on May 31, 2021 at 9:29 AM
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10000% agree. These are suppose to be your parents and role models. Why are they acting like children. I would draw some serious boundaries on your marriage will have a lot of problems. Start now so they don’t continue to do this crap!
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Savvy May 2022
Gc · on May 31, 2021 at 10:07 AM
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I agree with this entirely
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Expert February 2020
Givemeallthepups · on May 31, 2021 at 10:08 AM
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So both moms are acting ridiculous. However, you MIL at least realized she was being ridiculous and is trying to make amends. I think it’s fair to maintain boundaries with her but I would try not to let this become the central point of your relationship forever.

With your mom, she is 100% in the wrong. It’s so petty to try and move the shower specifically so your MIL can’t come. I definitely agree that you should decline to attend if your mom moves forward with the later time to spite your MIL.
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Super July 2023
Eniale · on May 31, 2021 at 11:24 AM
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Gosh, I really feel for you.
I commented on your original post. Obviously your FMIL was in the wrong, and obviously you should maintain your boundaries. But it's okay for you to reevaluate those boundaries now, too, if you desire. Not saying they should go back to what they were, but simply that maybe completely cutting them out isn't necessary.
Because here's the thing: she did acknowledge that she was being unreasonable. And as you said - "his parents have never done anything like this before." There are dozens of reasons this may have happened. Maybe FMIL is acting out because this is her son and she isn't quite ready to "lose" him. I'm not saying that's a good reason, just pointing out that weddings can result in complex feelings. Depending on the relationship they have, this may be really hard.
They made a mistake, and they know it. They're trying to make amends. Your choices are to extend grace but not forget, or to be spiteful and hold a grudge. I can tell you right now, the second one will never make you happy. I cut my in-laws off entirely, but I still am not spiteful to them. Remember that you will be the one living with spite every day. It only serves to make you miserable.
Now, your mom is being absolutely atrocious, full stop. Not only is her move on your shower downright hateful, but she has NO business telling you that you should "force" your husband to do anything, MUCH LESS cut out his own parents. If I were you, I would IMMEDIATELY put my foot down on that one. "Mom, you are completely out of line. My husband is a grown man, and I am not his warden. It is neither my place nor my desire to force him to do anything, and it is none of your business what relationship he has with his own parents. I will not tolerate you suggesting anything like that again, period."
And good on you for refusing to put up with her childish "revenge" plot. I think you should stick to your guns on that one, that if she changes anything simply to spite your FMIL, you should not go. Your wedding is not the place for her to act like a petty teenager, and she should not be weaponizing any part of your celebration like this. Whether she likes it or not, your in-laws are going to be the other half of your family, and she shouldn't be trying to make that relationship any more tumultuous than it may already be. My mom thinks my in-laws are all awful people (and she isn't wrong), but she has always treated them graciously and kindly anyway.
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Expert August 2021
Katie · on May 31, 2021 at 11:50 AM
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I don't ever plan on being spiteful to his parents. I'm just more along the lines of keeping my guard up with them. And I agree and would never in a million years tell him how to be to his own family. We always agreed that his family issues are between him and his family and same with mine. We take care of our own families when they get out of line. I've told my mom already what a child she is being and that she is a hypocrite because I've watched her for 16 years put up with my dad's crappy family for the sake of my dad. Even when they treated us her kid's like crap she still let my dad do all the decision making with his family.
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Expert March 2022
devotedlydavis · on May 31, 2021 at 9:17 PM
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I know your mom is likely doing this because she is mad about how they treated you. But, you should tell her that while you appreciate her being protective and acknowledging that you don’t deserve that treatment - you and your FH must be the ones to remedy it. It’s not your mom’s place to “get revenge”, but it is her place to support you. I know it’s a tough line, but it sounds like you’re managing it right by each standing up to your respective parents.
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