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Dedicated November 2019

Family member with mental illness lashing out

Bethany, on June 30, 2019 at 3:10 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 16
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This could be a long post, please be kind if you feel like commenting.
My older sister has borderline personality disorderand schizophrenic psychotic episodes. She attempted suicide several times when I was a teenager. I worry about her and feel like I have to take care of her, emotionally. I’m not saying that her behavior is *because* of her mental illness, but my parents always tell me I should excuse it because of it.

She has a pattern of getting involved with emotionally abusive men, and she always insists that we treat them like family, regardless of how rude and inappropriate they are around us.
She’s my co-maid of honor. I love her, but she can be really mean and manipulative and toxic when she doesn’t get her way.

i recently declined a visit from her and her fiancé, which made her ****soooo angry****. I did this because her fiancé is very unpleasant to be around and quite recently made a comment about my fathers cancer being his own fault. He has also made fun of my mother for her disabilities and my sister laughed along with him.
Since I told my sister I wouldn’t be able to see her this time she has sent me 5 very long emails accusing me of so many things and basically saying that I’m selfish and childish and ruined her vacation.
No one that knows us or the situation thinks that I have wronged her, and it is widely known that she can be really unpredictable and is drawn to toxic men.
At this point i honestly don’t know if I want her at my wedding or in my life. By the way, her fiancé already declined my wedding when they received the save the date 10 months in advance because he’s “doing a cleanse that week that can’t be rescheduled “,
I don’t want to contribute to destroying my relationship with her, but I am sick of being the bigger person and forgiving her without any apology after she yells at me, says nasty things, etc. I usually dread seeing her and feel super stressed before, during, and after.

I don’t know what to do. What would you do?

16 Comments

Latest activity by Stephanie, on July 4, 2019 at 3:45 AM
  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
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    She wouldn't be coming to my wedding. You know she's manipulative and her fiance is toxic, it's clear you have empathy for her condition but you aren't going to take abuse. Its okay to build healthy boundries and enforce them for your own we'll being and safety. It really sucks to be this way for your wedding so you don't want to cut her off. And I think it's admirable you've tried, but know it's okay to put your foot down.
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  • MrsJohansson
    Expert June 2019
    MrsJohansson ·
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    Sadly the reality is that you will need to choose to be the bigger person for a little while longer or to live a life without her in it. I can understand and sense your frustration. People who have personality disorders or mental illnesses still need love. While I believe you that her behaviour can be unpredicable, I wonder if how you view your sister and the way you describe her is contributing to what's going on. Did you tell her exactly why you refused her visit? From what you wrote, it comes off like you associate her fiancé's behaviour with something she has done personally? It's totally OK to decline the visit because of him but I kind of wonder how honest you have been with her about your feelings. Does she know from your mouth that her 5 emails make you feel bad/annoying/etc?

    I would recommend that you seek therapy with someone who understands these disorders, they can help you find ways to understand your sister and relate to her, limit the drama. At the end of the day, BPD is very much an emotional thing.. she didn't ask for it but it is not your responsibility like the way you indicated feeling. Seek to understand. I would think very hard about cutting her out of the wedding and your life given her condition. Try to talk to her without the fiance and in a way that doesn't judge her or blame her. Express that you feel ____ when ____ happens. Let her know you love her. People with mental illnesses are usually not without empathy. Is your sister seeing a therapist? She sounds like she could use some help in understanding how and why she attracts toxic people and how it impacts you and the rest of the family.

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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    You may be too far out (Nov wedding) to make this decision today but it’s good to think about. If you’re worried she might act out at your wedding it may be best to express your feelings and disinvite her. Inviting someone to your wedding won’t “save” a toxic relationship and may add unnecessary extreme stress & problems on your wedding day. But I’d speak to a counselor first. Disinviting her will also cause issues and a therapist can help you craft supportive boundary-setting language to express your feelings, set boundaries & potentially be open to a relationship in the future so long as your sister is willing to change some inappropriate behaviors.
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  • Laura
    VIP November 2019
    Laura ·
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    I say this as someone dealing with a chronic mental illness that has lost friends in the past due to my behaviors at the time.
    Having a severe chronic mental illness does not excuse poor behavior. It’s my job to manage my mental illness in a way that doesn’t negatively affect others more than absolutely necessary. Is your sister doing anything to manage her illnesses? If she’s on anti-psychotics and/or in therapy and doing the best she can, then I personally would be more likely to work with her to keep her in the wedding. If, on the other hand, she makes no effort to manage her illnesses, I would be a lot less likely to make an effort. If I went off my meds, I wouldn’t expect my friends and family to put up with my crap, because at that point it would be a deliberate choice on my part to be that way.
    Good luck. Mental illness is never easy for the ill or their friends and family.
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  • B
    Dedicated November 2019
    Bethany ·
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    Thank you, I really appreciate it!
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  • B
    Dedicated November 2019
    Bethany ·
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    Thank you for reading my post and giving your advice! I am in therapy and so is my sister.

    I don’t associate her fiancé’s behavior with her personally except for her vehemently defending it and insisting he has never done anything wrong.

    I was very direct with her about my feelings. I let her know that I will always do my best to be supportive of her relationships and be polite to her significant others, but that I don’t plan on cultivating a deep personal relationship with her fiancé (she has repeatedly asked me and other family to call and text him just because, also always mentioning that he wants more family). After her first email, I told her that I didn’t think it was a good idea for us to get together this week because of the drama and so we wouldn’t say anything hurtful and irrevocable to each other. I asked for space. She then wrote four more emails to me without me saying anything in between, each with more insults, and illogical accusations than the last.

    I know she needs love and I give her as much as I can. It feels hard to want to continue though when she is so ugly with me.

    i have anxiety, depression, and PTSD myself, which I am managing. I realize that those issues aren’t the same as BPD, but I’m having a hard time relating to her and the way she behaves and thinks.

    My sister is also a mental health professional herself, she is a peer respite counselor.
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  • B
    Dedicated November 2019
    Bethany ·
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    Thanks so much for your supportive response! I am worried about creating more problems and hurt to her and the family by disinviting her. But I’m also worried about how she’ll behave and if it’ll be stressful or take away from my day.

    i will continue to work on boundaries, and see if I can make any progress with her before making any big decisions while I’m upset. Thanks for listening!
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  • Pirate & 60s Bride
    Legend March 2017
    Pirate & 60s Bride ·
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    You're welcome. This is a really tough situation. Big hugs!

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  • B
    Dedicated November 2019
    Bethany ·
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    Thanks so much for your perspective! You bring up some really good points. She is in therapy, so I do feel like she’s trying. She’s not on meds because she doesn’t like the way they make her feel.
    I will try to work with her, but I’ve been doing my best to unconditionally love her for about 18 years now, and I don’t expect her to be a different person, but I’m wondering how long improvement takes, and if some/a lot of this is just her personality or what she’s realized she can get away with.
    Thanks for listening!
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  • Laura
    VIP November 2019
    Laura ·
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    Well I don’t think anybody likes the way the meds make them feel. I surely don’t, but they’re necessary to my well-being and better than the alternative. And possibly your sister’s as well, given the behaviors she’s still exhibiting despite being in therapy. There’s no right answer here. Each option poses risks. Eventually it will come down to which risk you’re willing to live with.
    Good luck.
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  • MrsJohansson
    Expert June 2019
    MrsJohansson ·
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    Thanks for clarifying, it really helped me to understand better. I don't think based on what you said that you should really put up with abusive behaviour like what you described. You may have to outline boundaries and the consequences for crossing them. If she doesn't respect them then I would definitely limit contact. I just don't recommend doing so without explaining why if it comes to that. If you two are in therapy together or can attend a session, it could help if this hasn't been done already. She sounds like she has a boundary issue in addition to everything else. I really hope everything gets better and applaud you for trying to figure out how to deal with your sister rather than just ghosting.


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  • MrsJohansson
    Expert June 2019
    MrsJohansson ·
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    Meds do little for BPD, there is some special therapy that is really the only "treatment". I hope she will continue with it. It's not easy dealing with that while dealing with your own challenges. But hopefully by her continuing, there may be some improvement in her behaviour and decision making.


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  • Becca
    Expert July 2019
    Becca ·
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    This is a very hard situation. I have bipolar disorder and I feel so bad for my loved ones for the way I treated them before receiving treatment. The thing I can say is you need to set boundaries...period. You need to set your own boundaries for the behavior you will tolerate, and for the relationship you want to have. I don't think you have crossed the line AT ALL. I would wait to see with the wedding in order to watch how this all unfolds. However, given the toxicity of their relationship and him, it does appear that it wouldn't be a fun and potentially safe situation if they attended.

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  • Nemo
    Master August 2018
    Nemo ·
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    I have a family member with BPD, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It is truly awful. I ended up cutting them out of my life and have been *mostly* no-contact for the last 6/7 months. It has been amazing and very freeing for me. However, it took me a long time to get to that point and no-contact isn't right for everyone. Checkout the raisedbyborderlines subgroup on reddit, that helped me not feel so alone and gave me the courage to do what was right for me. You can't put the feelings of others before your own, it will leave you feeling so empty. People without family with BPD will not understand the toxic communication that comes with it. It is not possible to talk with them about how their feelings make you feel. I tried it for years, but it is mentally exhausting to always be the one that is "understanding."

    DBT and EMDR are the two therapies that are most beneficial for this population. I would see if her therapist uses these modalities (particularly DBT) because if not, it likely isn't doing her much good.

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  • B
    Dedicated November 2019
    Bethany ·
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    Hi Nemo, thank you for the advice! It's good to hear from someone else in a similar situation. I will definitely check out that reddit group! If I can talk to her, I will check out her therapy modalities. Thanks again!!

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  • B
    Dedicated November 2019
    Bethany ·
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    Thank you, Becca! This is great advice, and I really appreciate your input!

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