Family opposition

I was told once “you could be the juiciest, plumpest peach in the orchard, some people just don’t like peaches.” Just keep doing doing what your doing but don’t expect anything in return. Keep your side of the street clean. You love your husband & he loves you- apparently they can’t see that.

All you can do is what Michelle said, keep doing what you're doing. Yes, it gets old. I would like to think his adult children are mature enough, but apparently they aren't. One day they will regret their decision to abandon their father, and that's on them. You're doing everything right and that's really all you can do. Don't expect anything in return, (a friend recently told me as I'm about to embark on step-motherhood, being a parent is the most unthankful job, being a stepmother is even more-so. But one day, they'll remember and thank you). You've got this, love your husband and enjoy the time you two have together. Life is too short.

I think that some people are just like that unfortunately. It could be absolutely nothing that you did wrong. I know you want to have good relationship with them but honestly after continuously trying I personally would leave it alone. Your husband married you and they just have to accept it

Sounds like in their view they think you are a gold digger and that their father has acted in haste in not having a prenup or a will which allows for his children's inheritance. This is not something that can be brushed under the rug. They will never trust you if it is not addressed and resolved openly and fairly.

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Yes, I do think that I am viewed as a gold digger, at least to a degree. Thing is, I brought in considerably more assets to the marriage that my husband had. They don't know that. I suggested a prenup; he vehemently opposed the idea. We have wills, trusts, etc. which clearly outline the disposition of his remaining assets upon my death (i.e., to his children/grandchildren/great-grandchildren) rather than to my 2 adult disabled sons. (My estate goes to them; I didn't think it was fair to his family to expect them to support my sons.) Their father's argument is that none of this is their business. He probably should have told them that 3 years ago.

As hard as it is, keep your head up. I have a similar issue with my inlaws except they are racist. We keep to ourselves and are happy. I can be nice and sweet and do things right but not everyone will like me. Eventually the family will be open to the idea of your relationship or not, and I hope they can bury the hatchet and get along peacefully

Sounds like these are all things that would come along with a very large age gap.

This sounds like a DH problem.

If they are rude or aggressive to you, he needs to step in and set boundaries.

They don't have to treat you as mom, but they need to be, at the least, courteous.

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All of this seems rather strange. If you brought "considerably more assets" into the marriage than he had, why are you spending (what sounds like) a great deal of "his" money?

Tbh, you sound like a good person, but I can see why his family is unsupportive. You are likely the same or a similar age as his kids; lots of people find that weird/creepy. He needed to have a sit down conversation about this, financials included, with his kids before y'all got married. Just because you're not a gold digger doesn't mean it won't appear that way to his kids. Your husband is the one who screwed up here, imo.

I think you are correct, Tiger Bride, in that my husband should have spoken with his family before the wedding. In this case, the "it's none of their business" approach perhaps wasn't the best choice. On the money, it's true I had more money than he when we married, but now we both view all of our assets as our joint resources. What's his is mine; what's mine is his. Nevertheless, while we have separate sources of income, we split all the expenses (other than the medical, car and property insurance - I pay those) -- household, home maintenance, travel, medical, etc. -- in an attempt to be "fair" to each other and to help keep the accounts separate for the families after we are deceased. There will be plenty left to go around when we are gone, not just as much as they thought there might be. On the age difference, I seem to be a bit more flexible on this than many people. The way I see it, how many women are 62 year-old trophy wives??? Three of his kids are younger than I, but only by a few years. They've never said as much, but maybe that does creep them out. When I told my parents we were getting married, my husband was 84. My dad, who was 90 at the time, stopped, thought for a minute, then said, "Well, people live to be 100 these days." My sisters jokingly (probably!) asked me if he was rich. We often say that in a way, his kids probably happy that I'm around--takes the pressure off them to take care of him as he ages. Right now he doesn't need special care, but the day may well come when he does. I'll be here.

I'm so sorry about the way you've both been treated by his family. He is right in that your financial and other arrangements are none of their business, but at the same time it would seem that their misperceptions of the those arrangements (based on their lack of factual knowledge) and how they will potentially impact them in the future are influencing their behavior. I think this is really his issue to decide how he wants to approach it. Is it more important to him that he/you maintain control over your information related to finances and future plans or is it more important to him/you that he attempt to provide that info in the hope that his family will be more accepting of your relationship? Personally, I'd be torn. On the one hand, I'd want to have the best relationships & interactions with my family possible, but at the same time, I'd feel insulted that I needed to reassure them of the financial benefits available to them before they'd be accepting.... That would make me mad, and feel like I had to essentially "buy" their acceptance. If they were my children, as long as I was of sound mind (and it sounds like he is), I would want my family to be happy and accepting of my new spouse, REGARDLESS of the potential financial impact on them.... Their behavior is hurtful and rude.

My H's uncle had been a widow for a very long time. His children and family were thrilled when, in his early 80's he found a "girlfriend" with whom he had much happiness. They eventually made plans to marry; however, her children convinced her that getting married again was a "bad idea" for financial reasons.... They were both strong Catholics, so even at their ages the idea of "living together" wasn't something they would do.... He lived another 10-12 years only being able to "date" the woman he loved because of her children's demands/influence. Their story makes me so sad.... At least you and your husband moved forward with the life you want; hopefully, one day his children will realize what their selfishness has cost them in terms of time together. Good luck to you!

Thank you all for such good suggestions and empathy. I really appreciate it. I think I'll approach this one more time with my DH, then try my best just to let it go. In the meantime, I'll keep doing what I'm doing. Some days are easier than others. Thanks again.

I recommend you let go of your expectations that they'll come around. Expect nothing. Just keep being cordial.

Honestly, I'd also be upset if my dad married someone my age and then started spending my would-be inheritance. Especially if he "doesn't have many years left", why are you even buying a house? - he's either very elderly or very sick or both. Not a good look. I don't really think this is all on the kids, why are you spending that money rather than living within your means comfortably? Especially if you bring considerable assets, like you said.

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Why would you be upset if your father were marrying someone younger? Wouldn't you want him to be happy? My husband is 89; I am 62. Yes, it's a big gap, but we are both happy, healthy, and energetic. Why not? We're not buying a house. I moved into his because he didn't like mine. I would have been happy in either. We are living very comfortably within our means; no credit card debt, car loan, mortgage, or any other type of debt. We don't nearly spend as much as we could every month. We spend what we want on what we want and split the expenses. All three of his living children make plenty of money and don't really need any inheritance to survive. Two of them have more $$$ than we do, and they are still working. I think being happy, fulfilled and in love is way more important than money. And, anyway, they'll get plenty when he's gone. Unless it goes to charity, which has been under discussion. Money makes people crazy.

Honestly, I think it would be worth flat out asking them why they don't like you. What you did to them? Usually If someone in the family doesn't like you, there's a reason.

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We have asked. I haven't "done" anything to them. It comes down to a couple of things. Religion (They are all very religious; I'm not.), our relationship was "too much, too fast" (meaning they weren't ready for their father to move on) and money, a discussion of which is above. Some people just can't let go of their issues, or see past their own biases. I'll keep doing what I'm doing, maybe it will improve, maybe not. Time will tell.

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That is all you can do. Be sweet, open the doors of kindness. Continue what you're doing.

It is important to get along with your in-laws and it makes me sad when people can't. I can't imagine if I had this kind of relationship with my in-laws.

it is possible to have the best intentions and still have those intentions get messed up. It is possible people mean well, but have not communicated it well. Some people are not bad people, and to some are not toxic, but to others, they are. We also have to accept that we ourselves can be toxic to people too.

It is possible to just keep bitterness pent up in your psyche. It is possible that they are not mature enough to address these internal issues they are creating and believing.

Best of luck. I wish I had more advice.