Family problems- no compromises

I think you need to sit down and have a heart to heart. I get their perspective as you are their child and I am sure they have dreamed of this day too and I can see why they are upset. However, it is your day and you have a right to say no to a 200+ wedding. Have you considered eloping just with your parents on both sides? You need to let them know that their day is not the day you have in mind nor the day you want. Also, that if you were to do what they want you would ultimately not be happy and the day is about you and your fiance.

A heart to heart is needed like Kristen suggested. Yes your parents have dreamed of this day too, and their feelings are valid, but this is a union between you and your future spouse. Feelings will be hurt with either decision you go with. If you elope, then your parents are upset, but if you continue with the large wedding like they want, then you are hurt because that's not how you wanted things to go. Ultimately, you have to explain to them that while this day is important to them, it is in fact NOT about them. You could see how they feel about just the parents attending.

Just a little insight, our friends are eloping in Hawaii with just the two of them. Their families are hurt because they wanted them to have a big wedding, but when they come back they plan on having a large celebration with everyone. Although their families want the big wedding, our friends are going through with their elopement plan because it's what THEY want, and it makes more sense for them to do it that way. Life goes on, and your parents need to put aside their selfish feelings and allow you both to have the wedding day YOU want.

On this forum, I tend to lean very strongly toward "couples need to make their own decisions and then live with them, despite other's opinions." However, I am a mom and I would have been crushed if daughter and SIL had chosen to exclude us from their wedding; it would have been their choice and we would have tried to respect it, but we would have been terribly disappointed to not get to share in their day. That said, it wouldn't have been "unforgivable" and we certainly wouldn't have "died"....

I'm a little confused by your post; I think you're saying that you are including your parents in the "small destination wedding" that you're currently planning, but they also want a larger reception after that? If that's the case, then I think you've reasonably tried to address their, "we've dreamed of being at your wedding since you were a baby" needs and I think they now need to accept your "we don't want another celebration" choice. It is still your wedding, and I'm assuming you are an adult, so establishing clear boundaries about what you are and are not willing to compromise on is important. It sounds like you've tried to address their biggest concern, now they should respect your decisions. Good luck!

In that case, no one else gets any say at all, no matter their relation to you.

This is your life. You're an adult, and getting married, and they don't get to make decisions for you. If you let them do it now, they will try to make every other decision for you - what job to take, where to live, if and when to have children, how to raise them...

Set boundaries, now. Reactions will tell you a lot about how they see you.