Family trouble :(

Could you clarify if the kids just live with M or if M & S have custody?

Without delving too deep, is there a reason the kids can’t live with him? He should not have to ask permission from anyone to interact with his own children unless there is a custody order that is preventing him from seeing them. Is there someone who can mediate on his behalf or will that make it worse? They have to realize how much the children are suffering from this unless his mom and gf don’t care. Which is possible as well. Otherwise since they decided not to be respectful, they don’t need to be on the guest list.

Outside of some type of higher up intervention where the children would be removed and placed in your/his custody, I don’t see this going well or have any suggestions unfortunately. My heart hurts for you, your fiancé and his children. Best of luck!

There is still a lot of time before your wedding. I would suggest having your FH and M be the ones to directly communicate about the kids. While this is not ideal, it will help keep things simple, as more people means more opinions and complicates things. How is your relationship with his mother? Does she also feel this way, or is just her girlfriend? If they have primary custody, the ball is essentially in their court.

What does the custody agreement say? If anything, he can petition the court (and a parent refusing the children from attending the other parent's wedding doesn't look too good for the refusing parent unless there is a very clear and present danger to the kids). Honestly, since S doesn't like you and they are your fiance's kids, I would butt out and let them handle the whole situation. S shouldn't really be having much of a say in what M and your fiance do with their kids either.

Let me clarify a bit this is my fiance's mother and her GF not the children's mother and honestly the custody question is one that has never been answered for me

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You need to get clarification from your fiancé ASAP because that is a huge factor that can make or break the entire situation.

View Quoted Comment Yes, ma'am this is what my hear is telling me too. My heart is afraid I have already lost

It seems strange that you’d say where the children live is out of your control. These are your FH’s children. Why wouldn’t your FH be petitioning the court for custody of his children and allowing them to live with you? Unless the court has repeatedly found him unfit, I don’t know why they would grant his mom custody. And if she doesn’t have custody, your FH needs to get their living situation sorted out. If not, anything in the future that you want them to be a part of could be blocked by them.

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Agree 100%. There’s definitely something going on in the background with the custody that needs to be legally resolved in fiancé’s favor before you can move forward with any wedding planning. Otherwise you and him may possibly never see those children again if his mom and girlfriend are in control.

View Quoted Comment If his mom has custody of his kids, that's a major red flag. The fact that he has never explained why would make me really nervous. What did he do to lose custody of his children and for them to go to his mom? That's not a common scenario and is usually because the court has deemed him unfit in some capacity. I would be nervous for my own children, especially because, depending on the reason he got custody taken away may actual impact him having a caretaking role of your children. If I were you, I'd be trying to find out some of these answers ASAP. If he's being cagey about it, that's a major problem.

How long have you and your fiancé been together, Alexandria? I cannot agree with everyone else more. This entire scenario is incredibly alarming.

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I have to agree with all of this. I worked in Family Law for 3 years dealing with all kinds of custody situations and only once did we have a situation where the grandparents of the children were granted custody, and it was because the mother was a drug addict and the father didn't even know he had kids and when he found out through the court, he had no interest in being a part of their lives (plus the court wouldn't allow children to go live with a stranger). So you should clarify why his children live with his mother, if he has custody of them or not, and why he doesn't have custody if that's the case before anything else. This could be a big issue to work out more than just having the kids being a part of the wedding.

It’s a BIG problem if your FH has not explained to you why his mother has (what seems to be) full custody of his children, yet neither biological parent does. Did his mom adopt them? Or is she their legal guardian? Having full understanding is very necessary before getting married. It will give you some real insight about his past. I work in a law firm that handles such cases. So, based on what you shared, I have a pretty good inkling of why your FH (or the kids’ mother) doesn’t have the children in their custody. And petitioning the court may not even be an option.

So, I’m wondering…. How long have you been together with your FH? Do you and your FH live in the same city or state as his mother? What do you know about the children’s mother? Is your FH ever allowed to have his children on his own (or is the wedding the only time he’s had to ask “permission“)? Do the children ever spend time with their mother? What reason has your FH given you as to why his children don’t live with him or their own mother?
If your FH isn’t giving you straight answers when you ask about his children, then you need to ask his mother. If you don’t get answers from either of them about the children, then I think you have a very clear answer about whether you should get married.

Also, the fact that “S” doesn’t like you and had you in tears is a minimal side issue in comparison to the custody topic regarding your FH.

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This. 100%.

If your FH isn't being honest with you as to why his own children can't/don't live with him, what else is he not being forthcoming with you about?

Thank you all for you advice and concern.
We had a long talk today and things have been put on hold until there is a more stable situation in place. Please let me assure you all the in this situation I did my research and found the children were taken from the children's mother for neglect while he was away in the military. He is not a felon, drug addict, or domestic abuser.