Feel like i shouldn't be celebrated

I almost could have written this post myself. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and I get very anxious at large events especially where I am a focal point. I’m getting married next July but I just wanted to elope. My FH really loves a good party so we are doing the whole thing. I’m very nervous about it, but I’m focusing on him to get through it. My FH repeatedly has to tell me that our day is for us, not anyone else. If someone doesn’t like it, that’s on them. He tells me these things at least once a day when wedding planning, lol. And you absolutely deserve to be celebrated! I wish I could offer more advice, but I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. The big celebration sounds so awesome, and I know people will go and have a great time! If people don’t go and are offended, thats absolutely not a reflection on you.

While your feelings are completely valid, my heart hurts and is angered at the same time for you because everyone pushed your feelings aside and made you feel inferior and disrespected. Your husband should be supporting you, not pressuring you into something you aren’t comfortable with.


What you are describing about social anxiety is very common. And it is largely ignored and discounted. Even here on WW a common thing that often comes up is how do you walk down the aisle with all those eyes on you. The majority of replies will often be “you’re independent, you don’t need anyone to walk with you “ and ignoring that many brides often freeze up like a deer in the headlights before they take two steps and someone will rush in to help them, but not always.

I have social anxiety as well so I know exactly what you mean about freezing up in front of a crowd, even when you know them all. Don’t have any advice for that situation but it really is more common and crippling than people realize.

But yes you deserve to be celebrated!

I was the same way for a long time but because of my profession I was forced to get over it quickly. A few of the things that helps with social anxiety is practice, knowing your triggers and having a plan for when you feel like your going to spiral.


Start with small things. When you order your food make eye contact, remember that most people feel the same way. If you can make small talk with a stranger do it. Try therapy. Try to do one adventurous thing a week.
As far as the lack of support from your family and your fiancé that’s very disheartening. If he wanted to have something large and your preferred something small you guys should have compromised. They may also not know how you truly feel because you didn’t speak up for yourself. Which is another issue in itself when you have anxiety. If you can’t say it then write it. But you have to find a way speak up for yourself or this willbe what your life is like always.

I can't give any advice on the anxiety.

But in response to "I'm so afraid that people are offended and won't take it seriously/won't travel for it."

You can't stress yourself out over people who won't come. If they choose not to, that is their business. The people who love you will attend. They will take it seriously. They will be happy to celebrate in your love, whether they were part of the ceremony or not.

My heart goes out to you! It’s hard to let go of the feeling that no one will be excited or want to come celebrate with you but trust me, they are! Try to focus on having a good time with your husband, that’s all that matters. I’ll suggest planning something intimate for just you two such as reading a letter or a private dance, so you have a moment to relax the night of.

I am also extremely uncomfortable with being the center of attention, and I'm also having like a 200 person wedding (which was our compromise since weddings for my FH's family are usually 400-500 ppl). I felt it most when family members started offering to help pay for stuff - the food, the venue, the dress, the cake - or were just so overjoyed and excited to attend. This makes me highly uncomfortable and confused as to why on EARTH they want to do this. I have actively had to work on reminding myself that people truly love us and WANT to celebrate us.

The advice I can give you besides therapy is, write yourself little notes and reminders like "people are celebrating me because they want to", "I'm worth the love and attention I am getting", "It's ok to need a break" and keep them in your wallet or your purse so you can read them when you start to have these thoughts. Stuff them in your bra on your wedding day or something.

Also like someone else said - practice and know your triggers. If you aren't already- TALK to the people closest to you and explain your triggers and problem areas so they can help you get through or avoid them. If you can't talk...WRITE.IT.DOWN. Things are always worse in our heads.

I feel so bad that you have been put into such a compromising position. You absolutely deserve to be celebrated - but in the way that you want to be, which doesn't necessarily mean being the center of attention for a 200 person event!

Weddings are about compromise and honoring the couple in a way that suits them. Throwing a 200 person party for someone who doesn't want it is not honoring that person; its selfish and using that person's event as a way for some party planner/hosts/extroverts to have an event they want. If your husband really likes big events and you don't that is where the compromise comes in. If he doesn't care but his family is pressuring you both into having a big event, then you both put your feet down and establish some boundaries.

Assuming your husband wants a big event, find some middle ground. Perhaps its more like 100 guests instead of 200. Do you feel less panicky if people are just looking at you but you don't have to speak in front of them? In that case I would have a reception only event, so no need to do your vows since you are already married, and maybe just do 1-2 "couple centered" things that are less terrifying to you (cake cutting, maybe a first dance) and make the event feel more like a general celebration/party instead of super specifically focused on you for more than a few minutes at a time. Also, I would consider having a photographer there who is "on your side" and can sneak you away for photos a lot, to give you a break from the crowd of people.

It sounds like you are excited, so its okay to let yourself be! Some people won't come and it has nothing to do with you. Some people will have conflicts that are completely beyond anything you have control over. I don't think you will do anything that offends anyone, and if people are offended because you don't feel comfortable speaking in front of large groups or because you are nervous being the center of attention, then they are frankly a-holes. Them being offended in that situation has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

I really hope you are able to enjoy this event. Don't be afraid to have some close friends, your photographer, or your husband on "intervention duty" if needed. Have a way to let those people know when you need a break (maybe an emergency signal or something), and be sure to yourself off the hook when needed, I think it will help!