Feeling i got tricked by my husband

I think that makes sense you felt duped because it sounds like you really thought he was more stable than he let on.

I think I’m confused about why you didn’t discuss finances more in depth before you married him. I would definitely recommend some couple’s counseling.

I would second the couples counseling, that feeling of being duped may make the future more difficult if you don't work through it together first. In terms of money, have you guys set up joint accounts or a financial plan? If not, a money talk could be the best place to start. Good luck, I hope this smooths out for you!

I would feel mislead too! Please strongly consider PP's advice on marriage counseling. You've already tried discussing your concerns with H, but he's brushed them off. It's time to have a professional's perspective and help

View Quoted Comment Exactly. That's what I'm thinking. He's not making the moves I think he should at this stage, just hope I'm not overthinking this.

View Quoted Comment Thanks I think we'll have to.

It is not normal to feel duped in your relationship. I'm surprised none of this came to light before the wedding with the finances. I'll be honest, I've never had a decent couch or dinning room set. Those are not important to me right now. Perhaps they are not priorities to your new husband and therefore not affordable. I do recommend you keep your own separate individual bank account even if you have a shared joint account.

View Quoted Comment That's where i went wrong. Everything else was so perfect and I thought I had him figured out because we would discuss light financial issues and we were always on the same page. I guess we just never got in depth enough. I'm hoping I'm just overreacting and this will all blow over soon.

View Quoted Comment It came up before the wedding, he actually didn't want to spend anything on the wedding **rolls eyes** but I made it very clear I'm not selling myself short on my own wedding and he came around and actually planned pretty much the whole thing. I realise I have to discuss these things before he finally comes around, it's just exhausting and I hoped we would just be more in sync without having to battle things out before we come to a conclusion... So I guess that's why I didn't see it as a huge Red flag.. because eventually he does come around... Just usually after a mentally exhausting argument.

View Quoted Comment Yes we have a joint account that we use for the bills and other daily stuff around the house. He says he is worried about going broke one day so that's why he saves ( invests) all of his free money.. but to me it doesn't make sense to save all your money and not take some out to better your surroundings... That's where we fundamentally differ as he doesn't agree with that type of reasoning... I'm hoping it will smooth out soon too.. as someone said the couch and dining room set aren't the most important things.

View Quoted Comment Maybe it will take more talking about what you want to achieve with money. The more you post it sounds like you may have different ideas about money in general. His spending habits are different than yours. You'd like new furniture. Make a plan for it together. Compromise on a budget and time frame so both of you feel comfortable. Money can be a huge stressor in a relationship however it can be worked out. If you feel he is holding back "secrets" because he's afraid to tell you, let him know it's ok to be honest. Whatever the outcome you're together now and even the hard truth is better in the light and less scary. It's money and finances can be fixed. If it's just different ideas of what to do with money then you'll have to have several discussions about it. Your definition of broke and his may differ. That's ok. It can be exhausting and have kinks to get through but eventually you'll find a rythym.

Definitely couple's counseling. Personally I would be bullshit. Money is the one thing I can't tolerate being mislead about.

I don’t know that I see this as you being misled. I see this as you never going deeper than surface level in conversations about finances. Before FH and I even moved in together, we both laid everything out on the table financially- debt, assets, open credit cards, bank accounts, retirement savings, everything. Not only that but we also had major conversations about what we wanted our financial future to look like and what each of our spending priorities/habits were.

If you chose to simply ask a vague question and leave it at that a car and house were important to both of you and so was saving money, that’s leaving a lot of things open to interpretation. I agree that couples counseling is the way to go here, and know that even with that, your financial goals (him wanting savings and you wanting a couch) may not align the way you want them to.

I would suggest attending financial counseling together.

I completely understand your frustrations. I have been married for 10 months, and it's been the hardest months of my life. We discussed finances prior to us getting married, he even told my friends and family he was going to let me handle the finances because I am the saver of our relationship. We did decide to have our own personal accounts and one joint account for things like bills. After we got married, things went haywire.....I found out he hadn't been 100% honest with me. I found out after we were married for about 3 months, that he had a credit card which I had no idea he had and he had no money in his savings account, and he wasn't putting any $ into our joint checking account. Instead he decided he would cover "his portion" of our bills from his own personal account.

Month 5 - I began seeing an individual counselor and psychiatrist to deal with my anxiety, depression, anger, and the feeling of being betrayed. It wasn't long after I began therapy that I got a call on my way home from him saying our electricity was turned off due to the balance not being paid. As you can imagine that was a big argument. He blamed everyone else, but himself for the bill not being paid....the electric company, his parents, his boss, his job, literally everything he could think of. I asked him what I needed to do to help and he said don't worry about it, I will take care of it. I then explained to him that I was seeing mental health professionals because I felt as though he had lied to me.

Month 6- Once again, I got a phone call from him ( this one a little more frantic than the previous) stating our electric had been turned off yet again. I was furious, I had to call my parents to get them to try to calm me down before I got home. He was crying, and very frantic," I don't have enough money to pay it to get the electric turned on today. I won't have it until pay day" He repeated over and over "I'm sorry", "I've messed up", "I need help, I need to see a counselor" etc. I told him we could use my credit card to pay the bill, but it had to be paid off by the due date as I like to make sure I pay it off each month. He agreed. A few more weeks went by, and I gave him the counseling information once I had talked to my therapist. She actually recommended a colleague of hers for him.

It was like we were nothing more than roommates. We stopped talking for a long time. Communication was at a bare minimum. He didn't go see a counselor despite my efforts. I even tried getting him into marriage counseling...Nothing worked. When we did talk it was an argument.

Month 8 - We were forced out of our rental home due to mold. A rental property he decided to rent from his boss. We moved back in with my parents temporarily. Finally I was at my breaking point. I lost it. I told him he had to have his check auto-deposited into the joint account so I could monitor his spending. He refused. I was very blunt and honest, and I said, "If things do not change, we will get divorced." This of course started a big argumentative discussion. I had to go back and repeat basically everything I had said in a lot of our previous arguments. I had to go way back to before we were married and ask him if he remembered any of the promises he made me. We discussed every vow and promise he made me, and if he had kept those promises/vows. Then we discussed if I had a right to be mad. I literally felt like I was treating him like a child, but it had to be done. I got a text a few days later from him asking me if I was serious about divorce. I sent him back a message yes, if things do not change I don't see any other options for us.

Month 9 - My husband began counseling, he has his entire check auto-deposited into our joint account so I can track his spending, we have began working on budgeting his finances, and we have our first marriage counseling session scheduled.

Present Day -The past few weeks have been stressful for both of us at work and home. He told me Monday he wanted to get out of town and go on a weekend getaway. We worked together on finding a destination and making travel arrangements. For the first time in a long time, I don't feel like I am married to someone I don't know. I felt like I was living with a complete stranger for a long time. We still have a long way to go but we have made progress.

I'm sorry for such a long response, but I want you to know I understand. At least be thankful that your husband has been taking care of basic necessities. You have time to make your house a home. Wishing you the best, and trying to give you some hope.

Yeah I would be worried too! I think this requires direct communication about your concerns and I would recommend couples counseling as well!

You should not ignore him. This is a serious discussion in my book. Do you have a joint account or separate? If you don't have a joint account yet, the way this is going, I'd recommend NOT having one.

The two of you need to have a serious discussion and tell him exactly what you told us. He is being misleading and dishonest. Money is the #1 reason married couples get divorced, and I understand why, it's very stressful on a relationship. Honesty is very important.

If he isn't being honest about something like this, is there anything else he isn't be honest about?

I'm sorry your going through this.

I had started my 3 marriage with a man I thought was stable. I had 600K in my savings. I invested 100k, Then I thought I have my life savings.
We decide we wanted to build a house on his family farm. I told him I would give him 60k, and then he knocked out trees, and started to build.
Well he couldn’t get the loan because we found out the family farm was his. brothers farm not a family farm, so he said he needed us to sign a contract. by this time my husband had taken 200k from me to build. He said if I don’t sign this contract I would lose everything I invested. I signed.
Then slowly he needed more money. He took all my money, and because I signed the contract his brother owns everything stoled all my money. My husband had a great job got fired I started working two years ago. because I had lost my life savings. I am 55 am empty nester. My children are grown, and gone. He has a 16 year old still living at home. I made 6,399. this month at. work. All of it gone. He is going out to movies with his Son, lunches while I am home working my ace off.
You want to talk about being duped. I am an idiot. I do not trust men at all. Every guy I have been with has stolen from me. I bought a snow shack as an investment. He took my money to buy all the stuff for the snow shack. He told me he is gonna go work some events. I said I bought the show shack I will give you 15 an hour to work it. The rest is mine. He said no way we will split it. I asked him where all the money was I looked in the account. He started to gas lighting me saying i am the one that spent it all. I am now opening a new back account. The gravy train is over. I want a divorce. Oh yeah we have been in counseling for 5 years. With his counselor he has manipulated. And has had with his first wife. I think I need a divorce. What do you think.? signed idiot