Feeling insecure - long rant

Hi Jo You sound like such a nice person and you don't deserve to feel the way that some of these people are making you feel. I'm so sorry that you feel pushed around especially when it comes to your dream wedding - no one deserves that.

1. Are you locked into the date? If not, maybe put some good thought into whether the time is *actually* bad for your law school guests, and how you would feel if those specific people weren't able to make it (ie would it just not be the same without them?) But remember, you will not be able to please everyone 100%. It's nice to consider your guests, but in the end you and your FH need to make the right decision for yourselves.

2. Azazie is a great website for nice dresses in a ton of different colors and styles! And most are under $100. Some are even under $80.

3. Ugh. Your friend means well, but by openly discussing and asking you questions about your wedding in front of other people, he puts you in a very uncomfortable position. It opens up the floor for people's unwanted and unwelcome opinions. My advice is to, as hard as it is (because you're rightfully excited!), keep the details vague around anyone not directly involved in the planning. This limits what can feel like personal attacks. If the peanut gallery expresses opinions about how *they* would do it, just nod and smile. When they get married, they can do it their way! The comments about marrying young or spending money on anything more than a courthouse wedding are just so insensitive and honestly the people saying those things are quite rude and lack any shred of self-awareness. Shame on them.

5. No one is going to be 100% happy with everything, because everyone has different tastes. Yes you should consider guest experience, but they are there to share the day with you and support you and your FH. Make a wedding that suits you and FH, they will (hopefully) be honored to share the day with you, and that should be enough. If they complain, they are so so wrong.

6. If you don't want to do the gap, don't! If you're concerned about the reception ending too early, you could always have an after party at the hotel or a nearby bar! In order to make it understood that you and FH aren't hosting the after party, have your bridal party spread the word by mouth. People will get the hint that you're not footing the bill for that.

7. What's that phrase again? "No pay, no say". If your/FH's parents aren't helping with the wedding financially, they don't really get a say in who is invited. If they are, unfortunately strings are usually unavoidable. Weddings are not reciprocal-invite events. You invite who you are close to at the time of the wedding. You are by no means obligated to invite people whose weddings you have attended many years ago. You probably have completely different circumstances than they did. You can always blame it on the venue having a capacity.

8. This is something your FH should probably handle. The fact that your FMIL is willing to blatantly go against your/FH's wishes about the boyfriend is just horrible. If she doesn't drop it, and your FH wants to keep his relationship with his mother, you two have to decide if this is a "hill you want to die on". Make your wishes known continually all the way up to the wedding, and tell her that if the boyfriend shows up, he will be asked to leave. You can even hire plain-clothed security to take care of any drama that might ensue. It's not an ideal situation, but it could give you some peace of mind if FMIL doesn't relent.

9. Invite people who matter to you, right now in this time of your life. We don't know what the future holds, friendships may drift apart but there is no way to predict those things, ya know?

10. If after all this, your heart tells you to just eff it, elope to Scotland like you've dreamed of doing... do that! It sounds like it would be so meaningful to you and your FH. And you already had the thumbs up from most of your VIPs. If there were people left behind (like the grandparents), could you have a smaller reception back at home for those specific people? You need to decide for yourself what makes the most sense for you and your FH, and what would make you the happiest.

Good luck Jo

Don't stress! We've all been there. I suspect you're probably extra stressed because of law school and it's making everything else 100X worse. I GET THAT. This is my advice:

1. People literally come out of the wood works when you get engaged. You haven't heard from them in ages and they want to be super supportive all of the sudden for the purpose of being in your wedding. Don't feel bad for not asking her. I guarantee she will disappear after it's all said and done. I had push back on multiple dates that we considered. "Friday is a dumb day for the wedding." "That's the weekend before Thanksgiving." It literally does not matter. FH and I decided if the guests really wanted to be there to support us, they would be.

2. I ended up picking a place (DB), color (Biscotti), fabric (chiffon), and length (long) for my bridal party. There are over 50 options. They all get to choose their own. Some are under $100 if they're not wanting to spend a fortune.

3. There is no cookie cutter time or way to get married. I know many people that got married super young and are still together 50 years later. I know older people who got married at 30 and divorced at 31. There's no life template to follow. We're all different. I'll be 23, almost 24, when I get married. We've been together since high school (people always have a LOT to say about those relationships). It's not their business. Regarding having a wedding, do not feel guilty about this. I work in the financial advising industry and I get this a lot too. People can't fathom spending money like this on one day. Those people are usually alone and unhappy. You don't owe anyone an explanation.

5. It's YOUR wedding. Do what makes you happy. If they don't like it, they'll have the chance to plan one their way. Ignore all of the tacky comments.

6. Weddings end at 11:00 all the time. We have to be cleaned up and out by 11:30 so our exit will be at 10:50. The first venue we looked at had an end and out time of 10:30. This is not out of the norm anymore. We're going to a nearby bar afterwards to hangout.

7. This has also been an issue for us. I was originally expected to invite a family that I absolutely loathe. The mother of this family is best friends with my aunt that cheated on my uncle AND she has actively talked trash about me and my fiance to my MOH. I bit my tongue at first and then decided that I wasn't going to pay for a witch like her to come to my wedding. I had this conversation with my FMIL and she respectfully agreed with me.

8. I'd make it very clear that that is EXACTLY what will happen if she brings him. The day is not about her. If she cant be respectful enough to honor y'alls wishes than she shouldn't attend.

9. I think this happens to everyone honestly. I have multiple friends that no longer talk to their wedding party. You go through phases in life and lose touch with people. It happens and it's okay. I wouldn't stress about the what ifs. Enjoy the day with your closest friends and don't think about the rest.

10. If they aren't wanting to go just because, that's very rude. I could understand if it were for health or financial reasons but just because? I'd do what YOU want. If they really want to see their grandson get married, they'll get over "not understanding".

It will all work out like it should. At the end of the day, you only get married once so you need to do what makes YOU happy

Girl first things first, take a deep breath and relax!! It's your big day and all about you and your FH! You do you, whatever that may be!

In response to each of your points:

1. You can’t have everyone be a bridesmaid, that’s just the nature of weddings. If you truly don’t want her as a BM, don’t worry about. Even if she is upset, she’ll understand and get over it. You can still include her in your shower plans and bachelorette party to make her feel part of the process.

2. Your BM being frugal is not all your problem. I do think you should be mindful of the cost of things, but don’t completely rule out dresses strictly for cost. Look around and do your research. One option is Rent the Runway. I’ve known people who use them frequently and are very happy with what they’ve gotten! Check out Amazon, they literally have everything and lots of great bridesmaid options. I would definitely be mindful of your bridesmaid’s budget, don’t get a $400 dress or anything, but under $200 is very fair! David’s Bridal has plenty to choose from at very reasonable prices.

3. Ask that friend of yours to only talk about it when you’re not around others. It’s none of anyone’s business when, where, how or any other detail relating to your wedding. It’s your life, your day and you should do what you want! That’s not an overly large wedding and even if it is, so what?! You’re not asking them to pay for it. We had 135 people at my wedding and it didn’t feel large at all. Also, 24 really isn’t that young to be getting married. I was 27, but I knew I was going to marry my now husband well before then! We started dating at 19 and I knew shortly after. We waited only because we knew what type of wedding we envisioned and wanted to give ourselves time to save for it. I was in a wedding of my very good friend’s and she got married while she was in law school at your same age. She’s very happily married 7 years later, did very well in law school and even passed her bar the first time. So you’re not too young and it’s not crazy to get married now if that’s what you want. Do not let anyone make you feel bad or make you feel like you should prolong your engagement. Do what’s best for you and your FH!

4. Of course you want your guests to enjoy themselves, that’s totally natural. However, if someone doesn’t like the decisions you’ve made and what you’ve planned, too bad. They don’t have to go to your wedding. It’s your day!!! It’s about the start of your life with your FH. You guys need to do what you want and what suits you. Make decisions based on yourselves, because you’re the only ones that matter.

5. It’s kind of funny to me that your parents think a wedding has to extend until midnight! That’s crazy! Honestly, I’ve never been to a wedding where the reception went that late, and I’ve attended several catholic weddings. My wedding ended around the same time actually. Anyone that wants to party later can have an after-party, that’s usually what people do anyway! From all my experience, most people won’t stay out that late anyway. Do what works best for you guys! Sit down with your FH and decide what you both want. If you don’t want the gap (which is super annoying for mostly everyone), then don’t have it. If you want your reception to end earlier, have it end earlier! Some people have morning weddings and serve brunch where their weddings end before dinnertime. It’s all about your preference and your desires!

6. As far as inviting extra people, who’s paying for the wedding?! If it’s you and your FH, then I’d say no. You have to cap the guest list somewhere. Inviting kids of people you’ve never even met is just crazy to me! I would have the conversation with your FH that he needs to address this with his mother, you can’t invite everyone and if he doesn’t still have a connection or relationship with his former babysitters, don’t invite them.

7. You can’t stress about what your guests may or may not do. If you don’t want your FMIL’s boyfriend there, make it clear to her and don’t invite him. The guests you have there who agree with that decision will make sure he doesn’t actually make it into the wedding, I’m sure of that.

8. It is a very valid concern to worry about who you invite and whether you’ll be friends in a few years. Sit down with your FH and make a list. Start with immediate family and very close friends you know you absolutely must invite/definitely want there. Then work your way out. Who are you good friends with and would want to celebrate that day with you guys. You definitely do not have to invite everyone you know now, or knew years ago. Who do you want to share one of the most intimate, special moments of your life with?! IT’s a big day and a very important one. You can’t predict the future or what will happen with any friendships. I would recommend you invite whoever you know will make you happy and be happy to celebrate with you.

9. If you and your FH really want to get married in Scotland, DO IT!!! You can have a small party or ceremony near home to celebrate with his grandparents and anyone else that can’t make it. It’s your day, your life together. Do what’s best for you!!! I will say, a destination wedding would probably be easier in the sense that you wouldn’t have to deal with as many people or opinions. Sometimes older people don’t see things the way we do. They may be set in their ways and not like to travel or something. Don’t stress about it!

I totally agree, I love event planning! It’s so fun, but it can be stressful! Bottom line is do what’s best for you and your future husband! It’s you big day and the start of your lives as one. Make decisions for yourself, not everyone else! Good luck and have fun.

Thank you so much Taylor! I am usually a very independent person and have always had the "itIt is my wedding so if other people don't like it oh well" attitude but I also guess I just did not realize how many people would have such strong opinions! A few of these things have actually worked out since I posted them last night lol. I was so anxious I couldn't sleep so I had to post to get it off my chest. My FH is amazing and was able to convince the catholic church to let us do a later ceremony so we don't have to do a gap and the wedding can end at 11pm as I prefer. I also randomly stumbled upon an ad for BM dresses and found something that totally matches my vision and is under $100! I know it is common now to let BMs pick their own dresses, but I have some OCD and I need uniformity or else I get anxious and irritated lol, so I'm happy that worked out! I just need to stop worrying about what other people think because so far this wedding is everything I have ever dreamed of, and my FH didn't have a vision, but he thinks mine is perfect lol. Oh and by the way, my wedding is the weekend before Thanksgiving so I got the same exact comments you got!

Tara, thank you so much for such a thoughtful reply. Wedding Wire always seems to make things better! Some of these have already been solved since I posted, I just panicked early. The church originally told us we would have to do 1pm, but my FH called today and was able to get a later ceremony so we can end when we would like! I also found a BM dress that I love for under $100. I have been having such a hard time finding a dress I like, I have looked at at least 10 websites and sooo many dresses, but this one just popped up on an ad! Now that the reception is booked, and the church is handled I think I just need to take a break for a bit to refresh!

You're so welcome! Oh that's good news. So glad things are all starting to come together! That's proof that you can relax and it will all go as you hope.

That's exactly how I am as well and I've also had my struggles. It's baffling how people that are generally super timid will have such strong opinions and tacky remarks. I'm SO GLAD it's all turning around for you. If you haven't gone dress shopping, I recommend doing that alone or with one person only. I had 7 and it was hell. I never had an issue with the weekend before Thanksgiving. We were rolling with it until we changed venues and they had 10/10 available (our preferred day). Your wedding will be gorgeous!!!