My parents are divorced and have been for 23 years, but both have always been around. My dad is better off and has paid so my siblings and I could graduated college without any debt. He supported me through grad school and has been incredibly generous, without asking much in return. He does, however, have a temper and is prone to outbursts, playing the "I gave you everything card, but maybe you're better off without me" when he doesn't like something one of us does.
I got engaged at the end of June. When I first talked to my dad and asked if he would be willing to contribute to the wedding, he said yes just tell me how much. I decided a range of what he was comfortable with was a better approach, as my mother, in-laws, and fiancé and I were also planning to contribute. He gave me a range, but nothing was finalized.
I have a hold on a venue and wanted to talk to him about the planning process (and money) again before I sign the contract. I called and asked if we could find a time to talk. He said Monday. Monday came and he was too busy. I agreed to talk to him at 6 am while he was on a train this morning (his suggestion). I was prepared for something on the lower end of his range, as he seemed upset about the idea of this conversation. I prefaced it with I wanted to include him in the process and we could go from there.
As soon as the conversation started, he was throwing knives. Talking about child support, college payments, rifts with my mom's family. That it's a dumb way to spend money. He ultimately said he can match my mom and that's it.
I said thank you. I then talked about how with a smaller budget, I wasn't sure I could invite all of my cousins on his side of the family (I don't know them) and would also eliminate some of the cousins on my mom's side to be fair. With that, he said he would just not attend my wedding and I could do what I want.
What I want is for him to be excited about this. To want him to participate in some way, even if he does not want to financially. I also don't want to be manipulated further.
My mom is upset by this because I was hyperventilating at 6:30 am and said she would help me make up the difference that I anticipated getting from him. This is incredibly generous of her.
Would it be wrong to move forward with my original plan (still inviting his family and friends and him - I think they should be there even if I don't know them well, also it will lessen the chances he has an outburst) but only with the money I can pull together from my mom, in-laws, and fiancé, not accepting any money from him? I don't want to include him in the financial aspect if he is going to be erratic and generally mean. Is there a nice way to say I don't need him to pay for it? Is there a way to honor my mom for the sacrifice she is making?
Sorry this is long - I'm so embarrassed by this and I don't want to share with my friends or much family as I think it is one of my dad's worst moments.
