Feeling Sad About Lack of Rsvps

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You actually mentioned money in your original post about family going on cruises. So yes, you expected them to save money for you and feel bitter about 2 years notice.

I do empathize because it is sad to see friendships are not always reciprocated. But, life priorities do change when you have families. You personally will live this when you get married and your spouse is now your immediate family. Extended family, friends, sometimes even time for yourself are not a priority. Life is short. You can be resentful your wedding is not someone else's idea of vacation, or you can share your joy and love with those who came to see you.

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LOL, you literally said they had two years to plan and talked about people having the money to go on big trips instead of coming to your wedding. By the way their SOs or families may have had a little something to do with all of that, too.

No one can plan two years in advance to attend a wedding, other than perhaps hypothetically. Your position that anyone can easily reply to an invitation six months ahead of time defies etiquette, common sense, and convention. There's a reason etiquette establishes the proper time to send invitations to an event no sooner then 6-8 weeks ahead, and recommends reply by dates at a month ahead and that's for a big deal event like a wedding.

You still haven't said when your RSVP date was. Considering your wedding apparently isn't until the end of May, and you said your invitations went out end of February it seems they were sent closer to three months ahead. Normally, you wouldn't have even reached your reply by date.

If I received an early invitation, and had a possible conflict, I would contact the couple and tell them that I'm a "no" if they have to know now, but if not, I will be able to give them a reply by a reasonable date. Of course, if your friends and family members really are avoiding your attempts to contact them then that's not very nice. They may just be waiting until they can give you a solid answer, though.

Lastly, invitations are not tit for tat. Just because you went to someone's wedding years ago or last week, doesn't always mean they can manage yours.

PS What do you mean about switching gifts if you can't attend a wedding?

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Your last sentence sums this up perfectly

RSVP date was April 15th, which is reasonable. No one is saying it takes 2 years to plan to attend a wedding. But I've gotten STDs a year in advance (local and destination) and I've made every attempt to be there if I can. I'm thankful for those who can't attend. But people saying their feelings wouldn't be hurt by others not prioritizing their celebrations when you've done the same for them are surprising to me. It's a natural human emotion to feel like you aren't important or feeling rejected by this.

I meant to say sent a gift. Not switch.

View Quoted Comment I also have anxiety and depression so there's that. Thanks for assuming I'm an entitled brat lol

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Literally everyone has said you DO have a right to feel hurt and disappointed! They are also answering your question "Am I right in feeling slighted about any of these?" - No, you are not right in feeling slighted by people prioritizing their own lives over your wedding. You keep saying you've done this and you've done that. Well, that was your CHOICE. You were lucky enough to have ample time and finances to prioritize those events. That's great! But where you're coming off as entitled is when you just expect others to be capable of the same. Not everyone is as lucky as you have been. I'm sure a lot of those people who had to say no would love to be as fortunate as you and have ample time and money. You also keep saying they waited until the last month to let you know they won't be attending - that is literally what they are supposed to do! Wedding etiquette states invites are sent out 6-8 weeks prior to the wedding, and RSVPs are to be sent to the couple no sooner than 4 weeks (typically 2-4 weeks) prior to the wedding. Your guests are being considerate and following proper wedding etiquette. As everyone has stated before, if someone doesn't RSVP by the deadline, then you reach out to them and verify they will not be attending. Sure, it sucks and is frustrating when people don't RSVP. But literally every couple has to deal with it. People get busy, they forget, blah, blah, blah. It's nothing to get worked up over. It's a simple phone call or text message.

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I don't see how that's relevant. Anxiety and depression does not cause someone to assume others should prioritize their time and finances on them 🤷🏼‍♀️

View Quoted Comment No one said that....hope you have a great wedding where everyone attends and you don't have to worry about having feelings

View Quoted Comment Also, not everyone knows wedding ettiquette. I'm the first in my family to be able to afford to have a wedding. So I'm learning as I go. Everyone here just expects people to "know" how weddings go when we've never planned one before.

That’s not the case at all. I was not aware of a lot of wedding etiquette either, until I joined this page. Which is why everyone has been trying to help you realize where you may be having some missteps in terms of your actions, feelings, expectations, etc. No one was attacking you – everyone was trying to help you by answering your questions. But you lashed out angrily at everyone trying to help. If you ask for advice, you have to be prepared to hear hard truths. Rather than digging your toes in the sand and doubling down on anger, be open to hearing what others are saying, and reflect on it. I hope you are able to see past your own disappointment and expectations of your guests, to understand their perspectives, and let go of all these negative feelings and just enjoy your wedding! Good luck and best wishes!

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No one expects that and unfortunately not everyone was taught. I didn't know everything there was to know before I was engaged, either. But if you're hosting a wedding, the responsibility is yours to do some basic research, and to ask questions. There are many books and articles and etiquette forums on the subject, many of which are available to you in real time in this day and age. Of course, there is also a lot of bad information promoted by the wedding industry itself out there as well.

By the way, the etiquette rule Is that guests are supposed to reply asap regardless of any prompt or deadline. But for their part hosts can't expect all replies to come in until about a month before. People lead busy and complicated lives these days. There have been weddings I would have loved to attend that I simply could not, no matter how far in advance I knew about it. It didn't mean I didn't value or prioritize the relationship.

Thank you all for your perspectives and insights. I guess I was feeling a bit sensitive now with the wedding being so close and all of the planning that has gone into trying to have a great guest experience for all. You all have given me some things to consider and I'll try to figure out why some of this was triggering to me with my therapist.

Also, I would encourage anyone who thinks anxiety and depression don't matter to this topic, to look up black and white thinking. Its absolutely relevant and what you may perceive as "entitlement" can be negative thought patterns rooted in trauma.

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Even from a trauma- focused lens, anxiety and depression (which every couple experiences during wedding planning BTW) are not excuses to angrily lash out at strangers or end friendships with loved ones because they don't perform like you want them to. Many of us have already had weddings and we understand the last month is full of dread, disappointment, worries, and decision-fatigue. A history of abandonment or whatever exaccerbates our feelings. Rather than thinking you're all alone, please look to your spouse for consolation and care because really they are the best part of this whole thing. We are wishing you the best (even if you don't feel it yet).

I know how you feel. I have had every single one of these scenarios happen to me. Just over half of the guests I invited either didn't RSVP, or said, "No".

Very few guests had legitimate reasons for not being able to attend:
-Finding out they were pregnant
-Very young children
-Financial situation was already very tight before the save-the-dates were sent.

Without saying too much, two relatives didn't bother to get back to me. One got engaged three months after I sent out my save-the dates (1 year and 4 months before the wedding), and shortly planned to have their wedding less than three weeks after my own wedding. Our family gifted to them very generously, but they didn't even bother to send a card congratulating me in return. In fact, I had to chase them down to get a "no" response via text, while they stated, "financial reasons". They had parties (bachelor/bachelorette/ pre wedding shower) out of state and out of country, while I didn't have any of those. I couldn't bring myself to speak to those members of my family because that is how angry I was, and it was the best I could do to keep things classy.


I was feeling devastated. My fiancé (now husband) then reached out to co-workers, and we were able to make up some of the numbers. It was still a good time, but I will admit to feeling bitter, angry, and sad.

Sadly, too many people are lacking in terms of etiquette, and I largely blame upbringing and selfishness. Many may disagree with me when I say that although times change, standards should remain. By standards I mean:

-Politely accepting or declining well in advance. Making an effort to speak to the bride and groom if a last-minute circumstance prevents you from attending, or if you are unable to give a gift before or at the time of the wedding.

-Saying and writing, "Thank You".

-Being a gracious host and providing for guests. Again, people may disagree with me, but weddings are not all about you. Yes, they are primarily about the bride and groom, but being considerate of the families and those in attendance is also a priority. There are of course the exceptions of not having a good relationship with family for extenuating circumstances.

All this being said, allow yourself to grieve. It is a sad and frustrating circumstance. At the same time that your circle gets smaller, you begin to see who is really in your corner, and you hold on to them just a bit more tightly. Don't feel the need to keep in touch with those that haven't been courteous to you. It is their loss, and you need to start a new chapter with your fiancé and those who support the two of you.

View Quoted Comment Yes, people should reply, but you were out of line making assumptions about your relative’s finances. She didn’t host those events, her friends did. Obviously, someone whose wedding around the sane time as yours will prioritize her own wedding. Technically she has a year to send you a gift.


Mostly it’s not for you to judge if someone’s reasons for sending regrets are valid. In fact, it’s none of your business. Some of those reasons may be private or personal. People don’t owe you a reason at all.

B listing co-workers to “make up your numbers” is considered impolite. If you sent your invitations out at the proper time it would have been obvious.

View Quoted Comment I understand that you feel I was making assumptions about the finances of others and B-listing co-workers, but, there are a few things that you didn't understand given my post and other information that I did not provide.


To clarify and give more context:

While family did host some of the events, there were other tell tale signs on social media regarding personal spending, etc.
I understand that you may feel that they were right to prioritize their own wedding, but, when most family members will have to do travel to mine and do a "whiplash" to attend theirs, scheduling a wedding that close when you have multiple members in common I feel is in poor taste. Among other reasons, they had rolled out their gift registry several months before their wedding (which is fine), but sent their invitations with just over before their wedding (but had sent out early save-the-dates months in advance).
When it comes to co-workers, I had moved states and jobs only weeks before the wedding. This was an environment I was not familiar with. My previous workplace I did invite people at the same time as my other guests. The reason why I put, "make up the numbers" was because my wedding venue would not reimburse me for the people that were not able to come. It is not to say that my new co-workers were B-listers because of personality or flaws, I liked them. I just didn't know most people well enough.

And lastly, I am not "judging" if most people's reasons are valid or not for declining. I have had to decline a wedding at the last minute, but I made it a point to call the bride and groom and explain myself, while others (multiples) from their wedding no-showed the day of. This particular bride and groom were hurt that so many people no-showed and didn't even bother explaining or reaching out even after the wedding. They just ghosted them. Other couples have gone through similar "guest ghostings" and that is not ok.

What I am judging and discussing is that weddings usually take a significant amount of time and effort to plan, and being invited should be treated as an honor. Life can get ugly or hard very quickly and there are very valid reasons to decline a wedding at the last moment. However, sufficient notice is a manner of etiquette that has been falling to the wayside, as well as having the integrity to call or decline an invitation in person if something were to go wrong. This is not to say that I would expect this if (heaven forbid) someone was in an accident or expect a gift from a person who has financial troubles.

View Quoted Comment No, not every couple is diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety during wedding planning. Saying you "feel" anxious and a clinical diagnosis are two different things.


In any case, I'm making the best of things and excited to celebrate with those who can be there, but as of two weeks before there are "friends" who never bothered to reach out or call or RSVP or respond to my calls, etc. There are also people who can't make it who texted, emailed, called etc. I'm less concerned about those people. I get it. For the people ego ghosted me, I likely will not consider them friends any longer.

View Quoted Comment People understand that an invitation is not a required event and some people don’t know how to accept the situation on either end. One side feels obligated to attend even if they can’t afford it or they are unable due to other circumstances and they feel guilty saying no, which no one ever should. At the same time, the couple should not be pressuring anyone to attend because they missed the (standard as set by the original Emily Post, not her grandkids who are giving opposite advice) deadline and who ignore the advised protocol of how to track down an rsvp. People who don’t reply are not going to return a missed call or text.


At the same time, B lists are considered rude for a reason. People didn’t make the first cut so when they do get an invitation after a certain time, they know they are seat fillers and they would rather not be invited at all because they are aware that you didn’t want them there in the first place. Sending invitations to anyone months before they should go out only creates unnecessary confusion that is easily prevented by sticking to the standard timeline that people think is way too late. If it worked for past generations and the etiquette of human interactions has not changed, why do people suddenly feel the need to send invitations out so early and then create chaos for themselves when it backfires? The guests didn’t cause the chaos nor did they disrespect anyone. The polite response from you when you get a no response from your original guest list is to graciously accept their answer (without digging for reasons that are irrelevant) leave the seat open and eat the cost. Then you meet up with them in the future because your wedding is not the only party you host in the duration of your marriage, as some people believe it is with the multiple variations of a reception back to back.
You are correct that many people in this day do not know etiquette. Some parents instilled it and others did not. Some people don’t believe that it applies currently, saying this and that are outdated concepts. No they are not. They are standard practices to ensure that social situations are not awkward or uncomfortable. They are frequently mistaken for traditions which are unrelated and can be changed at will. Examples of each: a bouquet toss or dollar dance are traditions in some cultures and social circles but for others they are extremely uncomfortable. It doesn’t create an uncomfortable situation if you eliminate them. A seating arrangement, as an example, is etiquette because it alleviates uncomfortable feelings where guests feel like they are transported back to the high school cafeteria trying to find a seat among the outcast vs popular crowds and not get split up. A majority of etiquette was tossed out the window during the pandemic and things that people would get upset by in past generations, the current generation said screw it we don’t care how you feel. That is why a lot of things you may read about online as being super common now and people say “our guests loved it” would cause parents and grandparents to clutch their pearls in horror, because it’s not courteous. But that doesn’t stop anyone from doing what they want anyway because they have anonymous approval online that trumps everything else in their minds.
The ceremony is for the couple. The reception is for the guests. The minute you invite one guest beyond your legal witnesses, you have to shift your focus to making sure that guests are comfortable, if you choose not to elope. Unfortunately a number of couples don’t care about guests’ comfort. You can feel upset about this or that, but that’s life. Acknowledge the emotion and move forward as you need to without dwelling on it or making others feel guilty.