Feeling uncomfortable with future in-laws due to different backgrounds and I'm worried about other things

Well since no one has said it let me be the first you need to seek counseling. I grew up almost the same way except my dads parents had $$ i used TAP/Pell aid as well. I worked my as off and I’m debt free but I learned a lot from that. The inferiority you feel has been instilled in you by your parents which is why the feel guilt for not being there financially for you and your brother.

why not let them start a college fund for your kids? You sound like you are talking in circles it bothers you to have debt but you will allow your future kids to have the same struggles. You say your FW doesn’t appreciate handmade gifts or eating at cheap restaurants but she’s marrying and loves you! She can’t be on a pedestal and bougee because she’s marrying you with your debt. MONEY IS YOUR PROBLEM YET YOU ARE FORECASTING IT ON YOUR FUTURE KIDS THAT ARE NOT GURANTEED , your future house, you marriage seems like you are bringing negativity and unjust concerns into a marriage before it even begins!

Apparently her her family cares about you enough to offer those gifts so people show gift giving as a form of affection and turning down those gifts could be an insult to them showing love. Be careful because you don’t want your insecurities to ruin your marriage at 35 your still carrying the burden of growing up poor but you are a hard working successful man so let it go!

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My fiancee's parents often say it's a shame that I never been able to travel and that to me gives off the vibe that they look down on me. I've had to repair work myself on my parents' house to help them save money and my future in-laws have also said that it's bad that I have to do it instead of having contractors go in.

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My insecurities probably stem from having friends and others who grew up actually having nice experiences while i didn't. I also had relatives who traveled frequently and got to see all the places I wanted to see as a kid. I hated how friends from school got to go spring break or summer vacations every year while I didn't get to go. In college, I had friends who had the money to go on road trips to football games. I could never go because I didn't have the extra money.

I feel that my fiancee's parents offers are out of pity. I also don't like to be seen as a moocher and that's part of the reason I refuse their gifts. I can't given them gifts to equally repay what they offer and that's why I refuse their offers. They invited me on a trip to Canada last year and offered to pay for everything. I wouldn't have been to do anything of equal in return.

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I don't think I need counseling. I feel counseling is for people with mental health issues or people who have undergone traumatic incidents. I would never consider counseling because I don't like to be seen as not normal. It's hard enough I didn't have much growing up and I can't relate to many people who have much more experiences than me.

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I'm used to dealing with hard things in life and I accept it. If my parents were able to help us with an equal gift like that parents have offered I might be opening to accepting what her parents offer.

It would kill me to accept money to buy a house and then have my own father end up feeling like he failed me and I already feel like he has failed me and my brother. My father has said that he feels he didn't do enough to help us out.

I’m just going to add my $0.02
I would not allow them to assist with the house. Especially if their name would be going on the mortgage. If you can manage housing without their help, do it. Only accept their help as a last resort. I know my grandparents are different than your FILs but my parents and aunt received assistance from them and it didn’t have a good outcome.
Second, my great aunt and uncle started a (small) college fund for me and all their great nieces and nephews. They also took me on a trip to London when i was in middle school. I am extremely greatful for the this; however, I do not favor them over other family members because of this. I do not think differently of my parents because they could not afford to do this. Allow them to set up a fund for your future children, their futures depend on it.
One last note, try not to project any negative feelings for your future wife’s family onto any children you may have. They will pick up on it, and it will have an effect on their feelings/views/relationship toward/with them. I also speak from experience with this.

View Quoted Comment You should rethink your stance on counseling. You think it would mean you aren’t normal, but it isn’t normal to be sad or mad all the time because other people have experienced things you haven’t. Also, other people’s experience isn’t any indication on whether you’ll have things in common with them and it sounds like your view on this is hindering you from having a good, healthy relationship with your FW’s family. Aside from that, your views on children are completely off base. Children desire attention- time and affection- over all things. Unless they’ve been taught that material things matter more, they won’t favor people who buy them things over those who spend time with them. My ex’s mom sends my daughter gifts all the time but only sees her once a year. My daughter doesn’t want anything to do with her and regularly says she only wants to invite my parents to her dance shows/parties/etc because my parents make time for her weekly.

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My fiancee has said their names wouldn't be on the mortgage. They would giving us the money for a down payment to buy a house. I also fear a bad outcome and that's why I'm hestitant to take money from them especially with housing.

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It is difficult to find things in common with my fiancee's parents. They travel and have expensive hobbies. I don't have anything to really talk to them about and they constantly look down on me for not traveling and having other experiences. They have no idea what it is going to camping and having to do very cheap stuff for fun. They also don't know how it is struggle financially and have to buy clothes from thrift stores and food from the cheapest grocery stores in town.

View Quoted Comment Totally agree.

View Quoted Comment I get that you couldn’t do all those things, but that is NOT the reason to feel insecure or inferior. Your fiancée picked you for some reason, right? She could have picked a wealthy man to marry, I’m sure, but she picked the one she loves. Doesn’t that show you that she & her family don’t look down on people with no money? You are the one who put this in your head & you need to drop it, if you want to have a happy marriage & life.

My parents couldn’t give me any of the things you talk about either, but they were great parents who thought me so much. And in fact, I always felt superior/proud of who I am, thanks to great education I got (all paid by scholarships thanks to my grades) & thanks to being able to think with my own head, having my priorities straight, having manners, having good taste, being well read & informed about the world & many other things my parents thought me. And guess what, I’ve never felt anybody looked down on me (on the contrary) & I never look down on people now that I am the one who is well off.

Saying you would never go to therapy because it’s not for “normal” people is such a misinformed thing to say. Many normal people seek therapy to deal with their fears, insecurities, and all kinds of struggles & you could benefit from it too. You should read some books & learn what mental health actually is. It sounds like that due to your personal struggles you are not able to see the value of relationship your FW & her parents are bringing to your life. You are stuck in your childhood & you need to break out of it. Your FW is supposed to be your life partner, you are supposed to be a team, but I don’t see how you’ll be able to do that with all these insecurities & struggles you’re bringing to the marriage.

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I would go to therapy or counseling because it would bring additional shame to my life. I've already failed quite a bit in life by not being able to do a lot of good and fun things. Going to some counselor would just drive that point that I've failed at life.

View Quoted Comment OMG what are you talking about 🤦🏻‍♀️ I know many successful, well-off people with great careers who traveled the world & did all kinds of fun stuff who also go to therapy & talk about it without shame.
Look, we are all here trying to help you. But seems like you’re not even listening. As they say you are your own worst enemy. I think you’re wasting your time drowning yourself in these negative thoughts & feelings. I hope you talk to your FW about all these things & how you feel, so that she has a fair chance of knowing who she is marrying & maybe she can help you feel better. Good luck!

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I've talked to her and she doesn't understand because she hasn't experienced hardship ever in her life.

We still live in a society that stigmatizes many issues and I don't want to be stigmatized in another way. I've already been discriminated for being poor and a minority.

View Quoted Comment I agree.

Might you also consider counseling? When there are large discrepancies between families (money, beliefs, religion, etc) this can exaggerate issues that might not otherwise be as big of a deal. Sometimes parents/in-laws do help their kids buy a first home, or contribute to the grandkids’ college funds. If these are truly gifts given in love (not with strings attached unless a loan), these gifts are a blessing. It may be helpful in your marriage and with both families to do some counseling around money.

I'm the child of parents who came from different financial circumstances (mom's family owned a successful business, dad's family barely scraped by in a rural area). They married, and it was their combined hard work that put them in a position to raise my siblings and me in a very comfortable financial situation (e.g, paid for our college, some travels/vacations, comfortable home in a good area). My husband of 30+ yrs came from a family that struggled a lot financially; but those experiences made him one of the hardest working people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. My parents could not have loved and respected my husband more than they did. I loved both sets of my grandparents equally, and our daughter adored both her sets of grandparents, even though one set "could spend a lot" on her. THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW MUCH SHE LOVED ANY OF THEM! She loved them because they spent time with her and loved her. There is NO shame in not coming from money; overcoming adversity builds character and strength, and that is where true self-worth comes from. I agree with others that what concerns me most about what you're describing is your lack of self-esteem. True self-worth isn't dependent on material things (actually, some of the people I've know who were the most insecure "had a lot" financially, but then seemed to question if people only liked them for their $$$ ). As others have mentioned, I'd strongly encourage you to seek counseling to help you broaden your perceptions of who you are and what you're worth -- it truly has nothing to do with yours or your family's income. Good luck to you!

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My father would never agree to counseling especially if it had to deal with money. My mom is already physically disabled and wouldn't want to deal with another professional in her life.

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As much as people say money doesn't have to do with worth, it does in some ways. My parents feel worthless because of all things they are/were unable to do for their children. Years before I met my fiancee, I was dating a woman who became pregnant but miscarried. Even back then my parents knew that if that child had been born it would have by my ex's parents doing more. My ex's parents were a bit better off than my parents.

I feel worthless because I haven't the chance to travel anywhere and I wouldn't even know how to start trip planning, booking a trip, going to the airport and boarding. I'm very clueless about that. It sucks that I have friends who have traveled to numerous countries while I've never left the US and the only states I've been to where neighboring states that can be accessed by auto travel. The only closest things I've done are dinky little camping and fishing trips even though I do enjoy them. My fiancee has no desire to do those kinds of things and I'm fine with that aspect. But it still sucks I dont' have the means to pay for very nice trips for us to go on. Hopefully, someday I will be able to do after the debts are paid off.

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Not for them, for YOU. You do not have to repeat their history (all parents probably hope their kids do better in life than them anyway). You have been given a blessing to inherit an in-law family who wants to love you, share with you, and you'll get to learn from their way of life. You really seem to be clinging to your poverty past and you do not need to. You can appreciate everything your family DID do for you, and you did for yourself, but learn a new way of thinking about money... for you and your future kids.

I've done some of my own spiritual counseling around money because of fear/lack issues. There are also many books that can probably help you with an "abundance mentality" vs "lack/poverty mentality." Yes, I know you lived without money but people with money think very differently about it.

It sounds like your in-laws truly care and I think you're very blessed.

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I agree with Pirate/60's bride (like usual!). We can respect and learn from the lessons of our family of origin, but we do NOT have to repeat their unproductive/unhelpful patterns -- that is a choice. It's a shame your parents felt/feel like their worth is tied to what they couldn't do for you and your brother materially, but that DOES NOT MEAN you have to have the same mindset (is THAT a legacy you want to give YOUR kids???). Therapy might help you better recognize all the positives that came from your situation: you developed the strength and willpower to put yourself through college, which allowed you to gain employment in a very challenging field; in a relatively short period of time, you've paid down your debt and will soon be debt free; and, most importantly, you've found a wonderful woman who loves YOU for who you are. The fact that you haven't yet traveled, doesn't mean you won't be able to in the future -- if that's what you want. Think of how exciting it will be when you have the opportunity. However, there is also NOTHING wrong with camping and spending time in nature. There are very wealthy people who cherish those types of experiences, as well. Again, I'm most concerned about how negatively you view yourself and your experiences. That doesn't have to be. My husband's parents never owned a car -- they couldn't afford one. My MIL, mom to 7 kids in 10 years, walked to the grocery store every day pulling a little cart -- through the snow, half the year. She slept in a kitchen chair most nights because there weren't enough beds & she didn't want whoever the baby was at the time to wake the others. You know what? She is one of the happiest, most joy-filled people I have ever known. And, at 97, she has outlived her husband by 30+ years, and my parents, who were much more "affluent," by more than a decade (and, honestly, she's genuinely happier and more self-confident than my mom ever was). Perspective is all about choices. You can choose to feel bad about who you think you are or you can choose to celebrate all you, your brother, and your parents have accomplished. What greater gift/thank you could you give your parents than to show them how happy you are with what they were able to give you? Again, good luck to you. I truly hope you can gain some insight that helps you feel more positively about your life and future -- you owe it to yourself, your lovely fiance, and your future children.