Feelings hurt

I think it's fair for you to be excited and ready to start doing some of the early planning especially since covid created a back log of sorts for those who postponed. And many popular venues are booked up to 2 in years in advance


After determining your budget and guest list, the venue is usually the first thing most couples decide upon. And there are no Black Friday sales for venues, caterers, photographers or florists.
Other than waiting for potential deals, do you know why he's hesitant to start planning? Have you talked over your wedding vision and budget yet?

View Quoted Comment Thank you. Yes, we have talked about our wedding vision. I guess it's more my vision though because he doesn't really take too much interest. He keeps saying 'Its 20 months away." So, I keep a lot of my visions to myself for now. As far as budget, we have talked briefly on certain things, like cake and photography. The 2 venues that we booked a tour with both have very reasonable pricing which was one of the reasons why they caught my interest, that and they are also gorgeous for the price. I think he has hesitation because it's 20 months away and he proposed just a few weeks ago. He thinks I'm rushing things.

Dates book up fast, especially with Covid. You also don't have a date if you don't have a venue. Dates with fun numbers (like 03/03/23) tend to go quickly as well. I would explain to him that starting early ensures that a. You get a better pick of venues available for your date and b. You can save money by locking in prices from an earlier year (most vendors bump up their rates annually). As a previous poster said, Black Friday deals are not a thing in the bridal industry. I guess I would ask him what he envisions the timeline to be like. To me, getting engaged means "we've decided we're getting married and are now actively planning it." My husband and I were engaged for a total of like 15.5 months. We started planning pretty much immediately. We booked our venue 2 months after getting engaged, after we figured out a budget and tentative guest list, researched venues, and went on several tours (5 total). Essentially, we hit the ground running about a week after we got engaged. This was pre-Covid and we had a general range of 3 months, but there were many weeks that were already booked within that time frame...15 months out.

View Quoted Comment All of what you just stated are exactly my thoughts. Thank you.

View Quoted Comment I would sit down with him and explain the general timeline of wedding planning. I think that most men just really don't have any idea of how quickly things get booked up (popular venues, caterers, etc) and that if you wait too long, your options become more and more limited.


And there are like 500 million little things that you probably haven't even begun to contemplate yet. My FH has no clue about all of the endless details I've had to take care of. Having time on your side is definitely an asset but you generally want to focus on the big three (venue, caterer and photographer) and then you can take a breather...

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your reply. It's helpful. He really doesn't have a clue and I am very good at planning these things. I feel that he didn't take much of an interest until it was time to talk venue/contract/deposit, and that got his attention, only in more of a naysayer kind of way.

Aw. Ik how it feels for someone to rain on your parade. I would especially be hurt by the marriage counseling comment. How long have you been together? If my FH had said wait until after marriage counseling, I would personally take it the wrong way and be offended. If we find out certain things about our relationship during counseling is that going to be a deal breaker and the wedding is going to be off? If the marriage counselor say we aren’t a good fit for each other is the relationship over? Or what is he trying to say. Sorry to be cynical but those are my exact thoughts.


Personally the way I work, is once I get the ideas rolling, I dont stop. I start brainstorming, making lists, writing things down, doing research & such. Its normal to be excited. I think you should try to explain that to him. And I honestly dont think there will be Black Friday deals on venues (unless you know of venues that actually do that). Most offer discounts for Friday & Sunday weddings. Its good to always secure the venue first so you have a confirmed date thats set in stone & can start looking for other vendors and putting everything together piece by piece. I would expect dates in 2022 to already be booked up. Especially for those of us who had to postpone many times. Back in February, I for one was considering postponing a 3rd time to next summer 2022, but decided to keep my date (already postponed twice). Try to explain that to him. Sorry he doesn’t think your feelings are valid. They really are.
Also one last thing is wedding dress shopping used to take 6mo but maybe now with covid dress shopping could take way longer like 6mo-1 year (I honestly dont know because I already have my dress) but one thing I did notice after covid is that my bridesmaids dresses USED to be available in our unique color at davids bridal. And they used to be made to order. But from what I see on the website, our color is no longer an option and the dresses are based on what’s available in stock. Just some other food for thought

View Quoted Comment Thank you for your feedback and reply. Yes, that was my exact feeling when he made the marriage counseling comment. We have been together 5 years and we have a 3 year old daughter together. My thoughts are that the marriage counseling will only strengthen our relationship, not tear it down to where we are calling it off. It felt like, Ok... I'll commit to the ring and asking you to marry me, but let's hold off on the planning and definitely hold off on any contacts... Just in case. Just a total deflated feeling. What goes up, must come down, I guess.


That a bummer about the dress color no longer being available. I'm sure whatever you choose will be gorgeous just the same.

View Quoted Comment Well you definitely have been together long enough to know whether you are dedicated to your relationship & your family regardless of what happens in marriage counseling. Maybe that should also be a talking point for both of you to discuss. Hopefully both of you can come to an agreement but If you are both committed to the ring & being engaged, I dont think you should have to put off planning. At least finding a venue, everything else will come with time and doesn’t have to be rushed. And if you mean contacts as in contact info, then yes its too soon. But if you meant contacts as in figuring out a guestcount, then that’s important information that you will need throughout the wedding planning process. When inquiring quotes from vendors You will always need to give a date and a rough estimate on your guestcount.


As far as the bridesmaids dresses I mentioned before, luckily we got all our dresses pre-covid (original date was 4/4/20) except 1 bridesmaid. She never ordered her dress, and unfortunately was cut from the bridal party. So since we postponed I was looking to see if this BM could order her dress for the new date and thats when I realized the color no longer exists.

So I'm going to address something that no one else has...your feelings are rightfully hurt because he was condescending and demeaning to you and yanked the rug out from under you. You felt exactly how you should feel and you should really pay attention to that sick feeling in your gut. If he wasn't sure and ready to run to the alter literally and figuratively with planning he shouldn't have asked. Maybe you should be the one questioning things. Don't brush that sick feeling off, you don't want to feel that for the next 20 years. Maybe this is a nice opportunity to set the standards and boundaries of how you expect to be treated during disagreements during your marriage.. Maybe the prewedding counseling might be a good way to set some boundaries.. i am confused though why he propose before going to premarriage counseling If he thinks that could change things?? Are his friends and family happy and supportive of you and the engagement or could one of them be asking "what's the rush" which led him to ignorantly ask what's the rush not understanding wedding planning....

View Quoted Comment Oh, I apologize. That was a typo. I meant to say contracts. You know, how vendors want you to sign a contract. That seems to be where the hesitation intensified. Talking about themes, and colors was just fine, but a vendor? A contract and a deposit? Hold up! Slow your roll.... Going to fast here.


That's right. I mean, were pretty much invested as it is. To me, counseling will only make it better.
I have simply been looking at colors, and some pricing on different things, and trying to get a rough guest count. I have been super excited. After researching vendors and dates, I realize the sooner the better and everything call fall smoothly into place after that. But, that felt too rushed and concrete for him it seemed.
She should have ordered her dress!!!! Lol

View Quoted Comment Thank you. You make very good points, and ones I asked myself today as well. You hit the nail on the head with "yanked the rug right under me." That was exactly what it felt like. I was immediately hurt and it hasn't gone away. Then, to say I was immature for being hurt, stating a hurt child. I mean, my cloud 9 just disappeared within one minute. It's such an awful feeling when things like that happen.


I actually did let him know that he was being insensitive. He also did apologize, but not truly. More of a way to just end the conversation and move on. I did tell him that incidents like these are the exact things I would like to discuss in premarital counseling.
Everyone is so happy and supportive, at least thats what I see. His mother is a marriage in general naysayer, but she is also not very pushy about it. She does plant the not a good idea seed though, but it is with marriage in general, not just for us.
I honestly think he is scared of marriage in general too.
Thank you for your response. I appreciate the feedback.

View Quoted Comment Sounds like you addressed it well and and maybe old wounds that make mom and him afraid of marriage may be causing him to panic...never an excuse for hurtful behavior but it helps you understand where it comes from and how to navigate the waters better. He may need the take 3 steps forward 1 step back approach to wedding planning atleast initially as you ease him through those feelings.

View Quoted Comment 3 step forward, 1 step back approach. I'm going to look into that more. It sounds interesting.


And, I agree. It does help me to understand better, but I think in order to protect my feelings, because I am a sensitive person, I'm just going to keep a lot of my process to myself. When he wants to know something, he can ask.

View Quoted Comment Oh I see.!! And you know what sometimes men get weird cold feet type feelings. Maybe the fact that contracts have entered the equation made him think O Shhh we are really getting married. And based on your response to previous poster it seems that is very possible. (Even if it isn’t exactly cold feet its more of “Im scared” type feeling)
But it still is no excuse to take it out on you. Glad u told him that conversations like these will be part of your counseling.

And yes! That BM should have bought her dress!! I constantly reminded them of the deadline. She waited until 1.5mo before our original wedding date to tell me she never bought the dress and even if she expedited it, the dress wouldn’t arrive until 4months after our wedding, but thats a whole different conversation lol.
Sooner is always always better than later!!

View Quoted Comment 5 months after the wedding?!?! Oh, that made me laugh. It's not funny, but in retrospect, it is. There is always a mishap in weddings. Haha!!


Thank you for your feedback. Yes, cold feet in his case seems like when the commitment really becomes a commitment! Too real too fast?
I swear... Men and women are such different creatures.

Hi Jeree! I agree with previous posts and I would feel the same way ❤️ When I first got engaged to my husband, we talked about expectations. I explained I expect we plan our wedding together because it is “our” wedding, not my wedding. I explained it was my expectation he would be present for all appointments (venue, cake, florist, etc.). Brainstorm your expectations of his involvement so when you discuss it, he has a clear understanding. Good luck girlie ❤️

I agree with the PP, but also think it may help if you ask the venues their availability. My FH was shocked when he realized most venues were booked more than 12 months out and we were fortunate to find several that still had our date available - our date was nonnegotiable for him.


I don’t think your FH handled it the right way, but he also may not know what he doesn’t know. It may help coming from 3rd parties because then he sees it’s not you rushing it, but you being proactive so you both have the wedding of your dreams.

To a lot of people, including me and my husband, tfe idea of planning for more than a year and a half was hideous. Any project carried that long is. Work, not a pleasure. I worked in the wedding industry in 2 ways before, gowns, and catering. I think that took away the fear they instill with many millions spent by them, to get you to order far earlier than ever needed, so you have longer planning and spend more. We got engaged and set a date 5 months away, May to October, and figured we would quickly know if we could do it. For the biggest , 1 of a kind venue, no. But we wanted 160-180 people in an area near where our two families and our school and work friends could drive, and only a couple fly except overseas people. 15,000, hoping no more because we were paying ourselves. It turned out to be quite doable. Multiple nice venues, done in 3 weeks, after my Maggie Sottero dress right at 5 months, a week after engaged. Something people do not realize, is that since this do it early craze, the average planner really does start 13-15 months out, fully 5 months after they had for years. But a huge number of things, starting with venues, are booked way ahead. Then people change their circumstances or change their minds, and 7-12 months out, a huge number open up again that were booked. Except a one of a kind, high priced hotel ballroom, there is nothing you cannot get or do at 8-11 months that you can do by starting 13-18 months out, or more. 😊 You want to be planning for twice the length of a pregnancy. A lot of people who start very early come to 6 m onths out crying, I hate it, I am sick of it all. Any issues with fiance or parents that pop up in planning, can be 15 month long fights. Couples decide, we did this much early, now do bridal party, and start before 6-9 months, and mess up friendships over too early deadlines and payments. 🤗 Who said a job takes to do as much time as you have to do it in? You can fill 28 months with planning. But to do it you are making every decision for weeks and months that you would in a week or two. If your fiance wants enjoy being engaged, with time to do things with you with nothing over your head, don't start planning til 10-12 months. Don't lose so much of your engagement to planning. At a year you will find anything you need. Take 6-8 months as a relaxed couple learning to live with each other.

I don't think your unreasonable at all. Wedding planning can be stressful and you don't want to wait for everything last minute. I planned my wedding for 2 years after getting engaged and I'm stress free because everything is done. My wedding isn't til October. With covid people are still pushing their stuff back. This should be a exciting time for you. It's a fun process or definitely should be as much as possible.