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Jeree
Savvy March 2023

Feelings hurt

Jeree, on June 4, 2021 at 11:46 PM

Posted in Planning 80

My fiance proposed a few weeks ago. Since then, I bought a planner, started writing down my guest list, we planned a date (20 months away) and I started thinking about and taking screenshots of ideas that I like. We are also planning an engagement party with a few our family members. I had no clue...
My fiance proposed a few weeks ago. Since then, I bought a planner, started writing down my guest list, we planned a date (20 months away) and I started thinking about and taking screenshots of ideas that I like. We are also planning an engagement party with a few our family members. I had no clue about venue's and as I started inquiring, I was bombarded with emails and venues reaching out to me. Well, two of the venues got my interest, so I messaged them back. When I shared this with my partner, he suggested I book a tour, so I did. Now, in my personal opinion, securing a venue 20 or 19 months out is actually a good thing because it's a peace of mind, a knowing if you will, and we can take our time to plan all the other things. Today, he tells me that I'm rushing things, that he only proposed a few weeks ago, and that we haven't even gone through our marriage counseling yet. So, don't secure a venue until after that? He also stated that he wants to wait until Black Friday to see if any deals arise. Black Friday is five months away. I insisted in telling him about the effects Covid has had on weddings, with pricing and dates. I have been on cloud 9 the past few weeks, and today I was just deflated and have had a knot in my stomach. I ended the conversation, letting him know that I was hurt and he told me I was acting like a hurt child and was immature. Am I being unreasonable for having my feeling hurt and feeling deflated by this?
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80 Comments

  • W
    Devoted March 2021
    whirlwind ·
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    You probably have planned your dream wedding in your head for a while and have been reading on these forums before you got engaged or the minute you got that ring. So you were ready to jump into planning.


    Your fiancé on the other side probably has never given it much thought what goes into planning a wedding. My husband certainly had no idea. So your FH might not be ready as you. He might have not thought much further than that he wants to spend his life with you and about the ring. When you set your date he might have thought "great another 18 months to chill before wedding craziness starts".

    I would also think he might have gotten a bit scared about the financial commitment of reserving a venue etc. Maybe he just feels uncomfortable spending this much money.

    I understand that you feel deflated and hurt. But I wouldn't read too much into it. Just communicate and talk. Find out more what he is thinking and feeling, share information with him about how quickly venues fill up, how the wedding world works, etc. Talk about how you want to go about planning this together. What is important to him, to you?

    Maybe he heard from someone who did counseling first before planning the wedding and he thinks that's how it should be done?
    Wedding planning is such a stressful and emotional time. Take it step by step, communicate, enjoy it.


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  • B
    VIP July 2017
    Becky ·
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    We planned and executed our wedding in six months and one day. HOWEVER - that was the "before times" - we weren't competing for venues/caterers/photographers/etc. with thousands of couples who had their plans abruptly canceled/put on hold. We weren't dealing with venue closures and other vendors having gone out of business because they didn't bring in any money for the better part of a year or more.

    I'm sure you've read through the forums and seen how many people here have postponed for a year and more because they want the pandemic to be essentially over, so they can have the wedding of their dreams. As a result, I definitely suggest trying to get your big vendors taken care of - then relax for a while. You don't have to pick your BM (or their dresses) yet, you can pick a caterer but not yet a menu, a florist but not your exact flowers, etc. (you may want to get your dress sooner than later though - shipping times are all kinds of wonky from what I've heard).

    Maybe show your FH how many venues are already booked for your day and tell him how the pandemic affected that. If you think he's having a cold feet thing with the idea of contracts, then you need to talk it out, but when you're both calm. To that end, when you're both calm, I think you need to mention that he hurt your feelings and that calling names (hurt child/immature) is unacceptable.

    You also need to tell him there will be no black Friday sales on big items like vendors and small items would be purchased NEXT black Friday. You're not going to buy vases now for a wedding in 20 months.

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  • Jeree
    Savvy March 2023
    Jeree ·
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    That's a very good idea. Thank you.
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  • Jeree
    Savvy March 2023
    Jeree ·
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    Right! Vases are the last thing on my mind. Lol
    Thank you for your feedback. I don't feel that anything I am doing is out of the ordinary or rushing, especially reading other people's experiences. And, like you and others have shared, Black Friday isn't going to have venue deals. So, basically waiting is just a waste of time.
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  • K
    Dedicated September 2021
    K ·
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    I added my fiancé to my The Knot account so he could see the checklist and timeline they suggest...


    That got him moving.
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  • Jeree
    Savvy March 2023
    Jeree ·
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    I think you are right. I think that when it came down to an actual financial "commitment", he suddenly felt as tho I was rushing things. He truly doesn't understand, nor has he been looking and reading about wedding planning. He doesn't understand the necessity of securing a venue which ultimately secures the date.


    Maybe it all feels too "real" for him? Who knows.
    Thank you for your response and feedback. I appreciate it.
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  • Jeree
    Savvy March 2023
    Jeree ·
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    Smart! Okay. I will try that. Thank you.


    And, he doesn't even have to move, just understand MY moving, that's all I want.
    Thank you for your feedback.
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  • Jeree
    Savvy March 2023
    Jeree ·
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    And, also... Yes, my whole wedding is planned in my head. I suppose that's where the deflated part comes into play.
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  • Sydney
    Dedicated October 2021
    Sydney ·
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    Yes, you are being completely reasonable. I had my almost my whole wedding planned within 2 weeks of getting engaged. Granted, we decided to get married just 6 months later, but getting engaged means you are ready to be married in my opinion. Also, it sounds like you are a planner and your fiancée should know and accept this about you.
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  • Jeree
    Savvy March 2023
    Jeree ·
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    Thank you. I think him hearing things from a 3rd party will most definitely help because he will know that I am only being proactive, not overly excited and ridiculous like he initially thought. I like the idea of asking venues to show us their availability. Thank you.
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  • B
    VIP July 2017
    Becky ·
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    Not just a waste of time - it may end up costing you more, because by then they'll likely have their price increases set.

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  • Jeree
    Savvy March 2023
    Jeree ·
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    Thank you for your feedback. I do think deciding on a venue is important to secure early on, and then take our time with everything else. I honestly feel this is a reasonable thing to do. I don't feel I am rushing things by securing a venue, which secures the date that is important to me.
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  • Jeree
    Savvy March 2023
    Jeree ·
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    Thank you! I fully agree with your comments. This is how I feel too. How nice to be stress free towards the end. Thank you for your feedback.
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  • Jeree
    Savvy March 2023
    Jeree ·
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    That's right! Especially with weddings increasing right now as Covid subsides. I think it is smart to lock in to something.
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  • Jeree
    Savvy March 2023
    Jeree ·
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    Thank you! Yes, I am a planner and my wedding was something that I was over the moon about. Thank you for your reply.
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  • M
    VIP October 2021
    Monica ·
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    I agree with ALL of this. I planned my wedding in less than 9mo (pre covid). Im sure theres lots of competition now. Would be nice if vendors offered black friday sales lol.
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  • Whitney
    Just Said Yes May 2023
    Whitney ·
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    Hi Jeree,

    My fiance and I just got engaged this year in April. He proposed 2 days after my birthday and we've been together for 7 years. Ideally, we would like to tie the knot by 2023 in Spring or Summer just like you. I just want you to know that your feelings are valid to me at least. There's nothing wrong with planning ahead. There's this quote I love that says, "By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.” Soon as we were engaged, I began reaching out to vendors for us, and we started booking tours along with agreeing to put a deposit down before the end of this year. I don't believe you are rushing anything at all. It's okay to be in your feelings, and it's also okay to feel prepared. It's completely understandable from where you're coming from. At the same time, my fiance and I had discussed wedding plans about 1-2 years before he proposed. You're on the right track. I would keep going or keep places saved in your vendor manager at least. My fiance and I are already putting away money for our wedding, and with the way, prices are set up, it seems like we were a little behind. I hope this helps, and I hope you feel better.

    Best wishes,

    Whitney Folabe

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  • Heather
    Devoted May 2023
    Heather ·
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    Completely agree with this. If he was ready to propose he should have been ready to start planning. Now maybe it's really hitting him that this is happening and that makes him anxious, and that's fine to feel anxiety, but... calling you a "hurt child" and "immature" when you told him you were hurt? Because you rightfully expected to be able to start planning after the proposal? That's not okay and it is something you should discuss when you do counseling.
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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    He might be telling you he has no money saved and that's why the date is so far in advance.

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  • Jeree
    Savvy March 2023
    Jeree ·
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    I most definitely will. Thank you for your feedback.
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