fh Grandma with Dementia

One of my friend’s mother could not attend her wedding due to health reasons. A couple weeks after the wedding, she and her husband put their wedding attire back on again and went to her mom’s care facility to take photos together (her mom was dressed up also).. I thought it was so beautiful that she’ll have those photos (her mother soon passed). So that’s an idea, and if you planned a visit soon after the wedding you might even be able to take her a piece of your wedding cake to enjoy together!

Honestly, grandma shouldn't be around a ton of people because of Covid. Older people are more susceptible. If you want to do something, I wouldn't include your mom because the less people the better.

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That sounds so sweet! We have 7 months, I am hoping she will still be with us or remember us, even in that timeframe. Thank you!

View Quoted Comment This is such a lovely idea!
If she can attend but may be disorientated, consider hiring a caregiver for the day who is there to take care of her and can leave early. We are going to do this for an elderly friend - she’s totally mentally there, but in a wheelchair so and can no longer drive and tires easily. We want her to come but not feel trapped till the end waiting for a ride. She’ll have a nice corsage and will be escorted down the aisle as a guest of honor before the wedding party.

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Yeah, I should've included that it would only be immediate family so max 9 people in our backyard and everyone would be getting tested prior. Just hard to explain to my MIL as to why my mother isn't present.

Unfortunately, I think you need to wait and see her mental state at the time of the wedding. By then, she may not remember who you are and a "mock wedding" could confuse her. She likely won't be safe to travel either. So you have to keep assessing.

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Yeah, we wouldn't tell her it's a "mock wedding". Just a "civil ceremony" in my MIL backyard (where she lives) and so we can have pictures with her. It's a sticky situation but trying to find the best in it.

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That was our original plan, but unfortunately due to covid my MIL (who she lives with) has stopped her caregiver from coming to her house. So, my MIL is her full-time caregiver as of right now. We come and visit and she gets confused as to why we're there and other comments that are honestly heartbreaking to hear.

Love that your elderly friend is able to do this, it's such a good idea! Thank you for the advice, maybe things will look up!

View Quoted Comment It’s such a bittersweet time, I wish you the best.
I lost my grandmother in November, she was 100 and lived and amazing life, I am going to include something as a tribute to her.

View Quoted Comment Another thought: My grandpa had dementia when my sister got married. He was physically came with my uncle as a chaperone. I'm not sure he 100% understood what was going on or who everyone was. But my mom asked the band to play one of his old favorite songs, and as soon as they started, he immediately sprang up and took my grandma out on the dance floor. Arguably the most beautiful moment of the night. Music can be a really powerful memory trigger if your FH's grandma does attend.

View Quoted Comment If only his side was present it might not seem as weird.

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Thank you! Wow a 100 is a definite milestone! That's sweet of you, she will be with you!

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That's so sweet and a good idea! Thank you

So sorry to hear about fh grandma prayers to you and fh I would do a mock wedding dress in your wedding attire after your married and renew your vows for her

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Thank you! Yeah that's a good idea! Just hoping she remember who we are.

My grandmother now has dementia and is definitely declining-- she no longer consistently remembers my husband's name, for instance. In addition to the memory issues, I think on a certain level she recognizes that she doesn't know things that people may expect her to know (when we helped her move I found a notebook with all the family member's birthdates and names of pets, for example) and that adds a layer of stress when she's around a bunch of people as well, and her mental status varies widely even within a day or two. If your FH's grandmother is similar, I would try to have an approximate plan (maybe your wedding clothes and something to toast with, a favorite song to play, etc.) but don't do anything as formal as a mock wedding because that might be stressful and she could have a bad day and not enjoy it. If you have a rough plan but are flexible on time, you can pick a day when she is mentally engaged and able to enjoy it.

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I'm so sorry you're going through this with your grandmother, I know it's heartbreaking to see and feel. She is in a similar state, luckily she lives with my MIL so it keeps her somewhat on track. Time is pretty flexible with our families –– we just want her to remember us, she remembers us just doesn't know exactly who we are to her. So, time is not on our side unfortunately. I would love to wait on a day where she is happy, but due to covid our immediate family members (9 people) would have to get tested. It's all tricky, just going to take it by a weekly basis and being hopeful. Thank you for the advice!