fh is scared and i don't know how to feel about it

Maybe go to a few weeks of wedding counseling ?

View Quoted Comment

Yeah that is a good idea! Hopefully we can find someone on short notice.

You both are under a lot of stress with moving into together, an out of state move for you, a new job, and a wedding all in a short period of time. You have a lot to work through before the wedding, but I suggest lightening the mood to make him laugh, alleviate some stress, and help him realize you are there for him. Send him a funny card and his favorite candy, plan a fun date night, leave him a love note on the bathroom mirror with dry erase marker etc

I agree with the comments above. If he's saying he still wants to, take him at his word. Marriage is super stressful, and it's understandable for him to be stressed and afraid. And one of the things you listed: new job, changing living situation, and marriage are incredibly high stress inducing - I wpuld imagine for both of you.

Counseling might help ground you both & just having fun/taking some stress off can do wonders for the spirit.

Thanks everyone! Just wanted to make sure I wasn't losing it haha. I love the idea of doing something fun. Most of our time together for the last 6 months has a) been limited and b) been business.

I agree with planning some fun things to lighten things between you but I highly recommend some counseling quickly. Both of you want to be 100% sure before you do this. Stress is a big deal and maybe that’s all it is but he’s shared a few big concerns that he needs to deal with and a counselor could really help with that. The good news is that he’s talking to you about it!! Good luck!

As other have mentioned, I would try to find a couple's counselor. If you are struggling to find one on such short notice, then maybe a minister/preacher (if you are religious) or even whoever is officiating your ceremony. I think you should both speak separately and then together. It's okay for either one of you to be stressed/overwhelmed/afraid, but the last thing you both want is one to be so unsure. Praying for you.

View Quoted Comment

I think that will be the best bet. I think his parents divorce is just now really bubbling up but it doesn't hurt to have a 3rd party. I appreciate your prayers

Im so sorry, FH for me is my rock and although he hasnt helped with much he is excited for us to get married. I hate that you're bearing this on your own. Maybe some marriage counseling? A few years ago that made an enormous difference to ne. I was terrified of committment so I went to therapy for a few months and it made a huge difference for me. I know you don't have a few months but even just 2 or 3 sessions could do the trick. I currently would not be getting married in October if not for the counseling I received.

View Quoted Comment

Yes that is so true. He is excited, but just scared to fail I think mostly. It is a lot of changes at once. I am so glad therapy worked for you. I love it personally haha

I think one of the best things you can do for him personally is to reassure him that his parents relationship/divorce is so different compared to the relationship that you two share together. Seeing a marriage counselor can benefit the both of you, but you also need to be there for him on the side outside of counseling, simply asking him "how can I be there for you?" might be a huge help. You know your fiance better than I do, comfort him the way he needs, and if you're unsure how to do so, ask him.

Counseling and perhaps seeking out a married couple that can be real with you both about marriage the good and the ba so that he can build confidence that marriage can be hard but not have to end in divorce particularly if both of you agree that that's not an option for you.

Getting married is a huge life change. I actually had this fear a few months ago and had to postpone the wedding. Apparently, people with OCD tendencies have problems with committing to marriage. Relationship OCD is a real thing and I have suffered from it. There are some good articles about it but here is a snip from it that I found help me understand why I was struggling so much.

Regarding the decision to get married, OCD demands that there be no doubt in a person’s mind whether he/she has chosen the right person to marry. To the OCD sufferer, their obsession is, “I must know for sure that my fiancée is the perfect person for me to marry.” Because no person is perfect and life is uncertain, this thought creates loads of anxiety in people with OCD. The anxiety in turn compels the person to engage in compulsive behaviors in a futile attempt to arrive at certainty.

Many people will have passing doubts, or get “cold feet” when they decide to marry. However, a person with OCD will persist in seeking evidence that they are marrying the “right” person. They may do this by repeatedly asking family and friends as to whether they like and approve of the intended spouse. They will compare their relationship with others. They take online relationship surveys and read blog posts on finding the perfect mate. They assess their day-to-day interactions with their fiancée, often rewinding and replaying conversations, to determine if they are a good fit for each other.

By the time patients with relationship OCD seek treatment they have often been engaged in compulsive checking, reassurance seeking, and rumination for many hours a day and for many months. And even though they are exhausted from this behavior, there is often reluctance on their part to see their fear of making this decision as just another form of OCD. They say, “But this is really important! I’m making a major life decision.” And I respond by saying, “Yes, but life is unpredictable. You have no idea how things will turn out. Do you want to carry on with constantly assessing whether this person is the perfect person for you, or do you want to get on with your life?”

https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/relationship-ocd

I think he will probably feel better once you get there and start living together and he can see that things are good and realize that nothing will change once the marriage is "official." Before getting engaged, my husband had been saying to me for at least a year that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, yet he was so freaked out by the concept of marriage. The thing that got him past that was just my constant reminding him that he had already promised to spend his life with me, so the "marriage" was just making that promise official but... he had already made the promise, so nothing would actually "change" once it was documented on paper.

If it doesn't get better after a few days once you move in with him, I'd seek out couples counseling! Good luck!

Honestly, I’m so proud of him for admitting he’s scared & his parents’ divorce concerns him! That takes maturity. Perhaps acknowledge that you’re both under a lot of stress right now and see if he’d like to go to a counselor (with and without you)? Thank him for sharing and comforting you that he’s still like to get married. This sounds very workable. 💕

I can kinda see his point. My parents had an awful awful divorced. Till this day it still affects me in a lot of ways. Plus it sucks cause the divorce was just so bad, I still find it hard to talk to people about it. I just barely opened up to my fiance about the divorced and he just was so supportive and respect my choice not to have my dad at the wedding. He didnt before. What you need to do is reassure him and tell him that your marriage won't be anything like his parents. He needs to realize what went wrong with it and not do the same thing. Has he talked to you exactly what happened? Maybe this way you can understand him. I didnt tell my fh the whole story until I realized I had to tell him everything for him to understand me more. Especially me marrying him, he needs to know that part of me. Hope this helps you in some way.

Hey Becca!

Congratulations! Being that your wedding is only 3 weeks away, anything right now would more than likely have to be drastic. My FH and I have been doing pre-marital counseling. Before you move in or even after, go see a counselor or so that you can air out any differences, fears, problems, etc. It is well worth it!

Great advice regarding seeking help from someone. Maybe if you are having a pastor or priest ask them for counseling. I am so sorry you are going through this and I hope it all works out.

View Quoted Comment Wow! This is fascinating, I’ve never heard about it, but it makes a lot of sense for people with OCD tendencies, always trying to do things perfectly, hence trying to find a perfect partner too. Thanks for sharing. If you don’t mind me asking, how did you overcome this, through therapy?

Sorry you are dealing with this. As pp mentioned, moving in together, new job, moving to a new state & planning a wedding all at the same time is a lot of major life changes, all at the same time, which can be super stressful. It is not uncommon that couples fight the most after getting engaged & before getting married.
If FH is telling you he is scared because of what happened to his parents but at the same time is all in for you two getting married, I would just talk to him, be there for him & help him feel more relaxed etc. But if he is saying it & putting a question mark on whether your wedding will happen in 21 days or not, then couple’s counseling would definitely be the way to go.
If he is scared of a messy divorce in particular (because of his parents) you could write a prenup in which you can arrange all details in case of divorce. That way he can at least rest assured divorce (if it ever happened) would be easy & not messy 🤷🏻‍♀️