fh told me he wants a prenup

View Quoted Comment Yeah, it’s definitely a personal decision. And I think when you have one person that is 100% in favor of it, and when you have another person that is 100% against it, that’s not a good way to start things off. I’m sorry, but I have a much different view about vows. I’m not just saying the vows. I plan on living those vows. I’m 30, and I’ve been with my FH for 10 years. We’ve had a joint bank account for as long as I can remember. I trust him completely and I know that if the small less than .1% of a Nano scintilla chance that we would get divorced, I know that he would never try to take everything that I’m worth, and I would never ever want to do that to him. I wouldn’t even want to leave my worst enemy out in the cold with nothing. I think it’s about finding a partner that is on the same page as you when it comes to finances and things like that. I agree with OP that I would feel extremely cold and my FH said that he agrees as well and a prenup is not what marriage is about. If people are OK with prenups that is their business. But the situation here is that OP is not OK with the whole prenup thing and her FH is.

View Quoted Comment Yep to all of this. I’m glad you understand cause I feel crazy. It’s not like I was some bad person who screwed my ex. I’m still getting the same child support since 2012. I never even asked for more after he got raises etc. and my FH knows how I am. Way too nice. I also did not go after his 401 k and my ex did not go for my pension. We get along and our daughter is almost 15 and is great due to us getting along.


His ex however won’t refinance their marital home ! And he is still on the house and has a legal court case going to get it sold. Who knows when or if that will be. She also got part of his retirement and is trying take away parent g time for more money.
I’ve been through a whole lot with his ex and all this so it’s sad he doesn’t trust me and how I have to come up with $$$ for a lawyer going into a marriage. How messed up is that is to me. For two years he lived in my home and I verve asked him for a penny .. and he needs a pre nup ?

View Quoted Comment You should be spending that thousand bucks towards a gorgeous wedding dress, or towards your romantic honeymoon. Not a lawyer because he doesn’t trust you. You’ve already proven yourself to him. Two years without asking him for a penny living under your roof. And look, it’s one thing if two individuals are on the same page and both want prenups. It’s a wholeee Nother thing when one party is against it and one party is for it. I’m sure he’s a great guy, But maybe he still just need some more time to let this whole divorce thing settle.

I honestly feel you're being naive and melodramatic.


You've known your FH since he was 15, you know he's the one, and yet you married and divorced someone else. Not everyone has an amicable divorce. Your FH's experience with his ex explains why he wants a prenup. Despite seeing that, you're trying to pass off your own experience with your ex as how you'll act in every scenario. It's as if you're completely ignoring his feelings and what he is going through. They say that the person you divorce is not the person you marry.
If you don't believe in prenups or don't want one, that's your right. Talk to him about how you feel rather than crying and jumping to conclusions. See if he'll split the cost of you getting your own attorney. See exactly what he wants the prenup to entail. See if the terms are a dealbreaker for you. If the very thought of a prenup is wrong to you, on principle, you may be incompatible. Better to hash that out now rather than after having put down deposits for a wedding.
A prenup is a must for me, personally. It's the logical thing to do, like getting insurance. I wouldn't be marrying someone who saw it as a lack of trust. But that's me. You're you. You have to be able to talk this out as an equal half of a couple.

View Quoted Comment I think he is so jaded and hurt by her. It’s sad because I’ve been by his side. We reconnected during all of it. I waited for him , waited to meet his four kids. Moved him into my home when he couldn’t get along wth his parents. He didn’t have much since he had to pay load of child support and lawyers so I paid for everything and he lived with me for two years. I rented out my home to move into house to fit us all .. his court crap is still going. What more do I need to prove ? If I haven’t by now then I never will.
I don’t make a ton , he makes more. I pay half of my way here. I buy his kids stuff vause I love them
As my own. He still is on the house with ex cause she won’t refinance. I should be the worried one also he was going to go on my house with me one day .. what would that look like in - pre nup ? If we divorce I still get it ? I never ever worried about my ex screwing me out of money or anything. Sad that my ex and I trust one another more

View Quoted Comment Well that’s something you would definitely want to talk to a lawyer about because if he goes on the house with you, he could technically take money out from the house, but then if you guys get divorced then technically wouldn’t you be responsible to pay back that money seeing as how he saying you can keep the house?

Have the two of you done pre-marital couples counselling? If not, maybe you should. From what you’ve said here, it sounds like this has raised a whole load of questions beyond the pre-nup itself - the expectations you each have around marriage, trust, finances, conflict resolution, communication, etc. Talking those through with professional support might be really helpful, far beyond sorting out what you do or don’t do about a pre-nup.

What raises a red flag to me is that he asked you during a nice dinner with drinks. When you are drinking, your guard is down, rather than having a serious discussion while sober. He already knows he has an advantage because his sister is a lawyer.

This could be coming from a man who hasn't let go of the hurt in his past enough to truly let you in. Could.

Hurt people hurt other people.

I am torn with you on this one too. Before you sign anything, please do some soul searching.
You did meet when you were younger, and have since reconnected.

-When did you fall out of contact, and what was the reason?
-How long were you out of contact for, and what happened during that time?
-When did you come back in contact?
-Who initiated the contact?
-How did your relationship progress?
-How long was your relationship before your engagement?
-Was your engagement out of the blue, or was it after a discussion? Consider what were the reasons of the proposal from either scenario, and how you were both feeling.

-Where are you both professionally in terms of salary, living situation, etc?
-What assets do either of you have, and what are they worth?
-Where are you both in terms of overall health?
-Are you on different pages in terms of physical intimacy?

-Do either of you know/have met the other's ex? How certain are you that he is telling the truth? (Not to be disrespectful, but some people can lie for various reasons).

I don't blame men for wanting to protect their assets especially if they become involved with someone after they have come to a certain point in their careers and assets and their partner wasn't there to "build the empire". Had you been there through thick and thin, or maintained a distant friendship when you both were married to your ex's, that is an entirely different situation.

If you know within yourself that you do not have enough money to potentially support yourself after a painful, mean-spirited divorce, you need to tell him outright, but when you have a cooler head about you. Realize that his sister is going to want to protect her brother, and you may be above your head in the language of the law.

Do your own research. If you think it is worth going through marriage with him, do NOT rush the prenup process, and do not let ANYONE rush you. Don't sign anything until both of your lawyers hash it out.

Different perspective. You both have children, his ex wife is being difficult, you need to protect yourself and your child. Presumably without a prenup you will co-mingle all assets. In theory, if something were to happen to you or both of you the children would inherit equally. How do you think his ex wife will handle that situation? If the children are all minors she could potentially petition for more of the estate since there are 4 children to take care of. She could manipulate her adult children into contesting the will and tying up the distribution of the estate, causing legal fees to build up. When you remarry with children things are more complicated. I would get the prenup. Split the bill if it bothers you so much.

You have both been divorced, you should have a healthy realistic view that this is something that happens. Prenups aren’t always to only protect each personal asset, but also go promise you certain things if your marriage were to end. Ask for more if you have a problem with it. Definitely have him split the cost of attorney fees with you if you can’t afford them. But have whatever prenup drafted that you are *both* comfortable with. Maybe that means you get “x” amount of money or assets to help with the kids, ma it means you both walk away with what you entered the relationship with.

View Quoted Comment I understand what you are saying, but you have to remember he also trusted his ex and told her that he would love her forever too. And I’m sure he had full intentions of doing so at the time. Unfortunately, completely unexpected things happen in life. People unexpectedly change. Relationships unexpectedly change. And he is currently experiencing that first hand through a court battle with his ex-wife. Tbh, I would be absolutely shocked if he didn’t want a prenup with everything he is going through right now! (and his lawyer is probably telling him the same thing!) A prenup in no way changes your marriage. It only comes into play in the event of a divorce. You said both of you have children from previous marriages. If nothing else, it is wise to have a prenup in order to protect them and their inheritance, and to not force them to potentially watch their parent(s) go through a long, messy, painful divorce.
FH and I will be having a prenup. We will each be represented by our separate lawyers, and each lawyer will ensure that their clients’s best interests (and the interests of any children we may have) are fairly represented and protected in the final agreement. We are just looking at it as an extension of our marriage agreement. I never thought I would have a prenup, until I watched my best friend go through her divorce. Her and her husband were the ultimate “couples goals”. So perfectly suited for one another and so madly in love. They never fought or argued. always holding hands and kissing and going on dates and romantic vacations. Literally the picture of happiness. Until they weren’t. Huge, completely unexpected changes with her husband‘s work led to him being let go. He struggled to find another position that he enjoyed and paid him close to what he made at his previous position. Stress mounted, depression set in. Finances became an issue. They started arguing more and more because of the stress. It ultimately led to the entire breakdown of their relationship, and ended in filing for divorce. My friend’s husband, who had always been so kind and caring and romantic, became depressed and bitter and drug her through years of messy, expensive court battles. She ended up in therapy and on antidepressants. It took a huge toll on their children. It was absolutely horrible. No one would’ve ever expected it would have ended that way. And that is exactly why I am getting a prenup. There is no way to predict the future and how it will change people, even those you trust! Your fiancé loved his ex-wife, but the relationship didn’t last. He trusted her, and that trust was betrayed. If you look at this from his point of view, surely you can understand where he (and his legal team) are coming from. I mean, if you got mugged in an alley wouldn’t you avoid that alley after that? Sure, you may never get mugged in that alley again. But would you take that chance after it already happened once?

We had a number of huge fights around prenups. I am not opposed to them at all but I was opposed to his reasons for getting one. He basically wanted to track every dollar he put in the marriage so he could get that exact amount back and wanted us both to waive the alimony portion among some other things that would have truly skewed towards him. He eventually opted not to get the prenup but it did lead to some great discussions (and lots of fights) about what we wanted in the relationship and a you vs me and us mentality. I was more blindsided because we had already discussed financials, raising kids, housing, etc. so a prenup seemed like it should have been brought up then. I really don’t think it’s about not trusting each other, it’s a way to protect BOTH parties. Get a good lawyers and tell him to pay your legal fees.

View Quoted Comment Wow! This is great solid advice!

View Quoted Comment Exactly. I always think of it as wearing a seatbelt. You don’t get into your car planning to get into an accident. But you wear the seatbelt to protect yourself just in case.

View Quoted Comment

We don't and won't have kids together. He has four and I have one.. So i don't want any money or anything from him.

I would look at a prenup as a way to not so much protect him or you, but as a way to protect all of the childrens' interest.

View Quoted Comment This. It sounds like he's trying to protect his kids.

View Quoted Comment Then what’s the problem with a prenup? If anyone should be hesitant in this situation, it’s him. It seems odd that you’re so against this if you don’t want anything.

View Quoted Comment Confusing. How is it protecting his kids and my kid ? I have a house that is being rented out since it’s too small for us. In two years I need to sell it or I will have to move back into it. After two years I will get taxed like crazy when selling it. So plan is to sell it and use the money for a diff house we can own together - that is if his ex wife ever removes his name from the marital home.


But now knowing this all , do I want to sell my home and use the money on our home ? Basically I won’t have a home if it doesn’t work. I have a small teacher pension the house is literally all I own. But our plan was to sell it in two years and go buy a house of our own. That kind of scares me now. What will prenup say ? If we own a home in future , we split it?

View Quoted Comment As others have said, this is also to protect your children. I think at this point you should speak to him and potentially seek counseling to further discuss each of your concerns and expectations.