fh told me he wants a prenup

View Quoted Comment That’s exactly the point. The prenup would help you keep your house and assets in the event of divorce (or death).

View Quoted Comment But we have a plan to sell my home in year or so and use that money on a house we can own together. We rent now and we are renting from the house his parents own. So it feels like I’m going to sell my home and basically use my asset to get us a house. If it doesn’t work out - then I just don’t have a home after my house paid for it ?

His sister drawing up a prenup that you sign is very bad news, so it’s good that he understands you need your own lawyer.
Visit your own lawyer, without him. Bring all your asset info. Your lawyer will review and draft a document. His lawyer will review his assets and draft a document.
The two lawyers will then negotiate. Prenups protect BOTH parties premarital assets. They do not set up a punitive system for assets gained after marriage, so don’t worry about that. If this is his sister’s area of expertise, she knows that a one sided prenup will not stand up in court.You need to pay your lawyer, yes, it’s unfortunate but you need to know your lawyer is working for you. Depending on how close the wedding is and how much planning has been done, he may already be getting close to the time when it will be on shaky ground in court.

View Quoted Comment What if he decides to take out a bunch of money out on the house and then they get a divorce. Then shes stuck with the bill? “ oh, well the prenup says that the house is yours, so here you go.” Sometimes prenups aren’t as great as they seem because you can’t predict how a situation is going to turn out. what if something is wrong with the house and they have a hard time selling it. She’s now stuck in debt by herself with the house she can’t get rid of. At that point, I think there is much less risk without a prenup for her.

View Quoted Comment Yes, that is exactly what would happen if you use the proceeds of your house to buy a marital home. That’s why you do need a prenup.

View Quoted Comment Any assets you own prior to the marriage are yours. Anything you purchase or contribute to together post marriage, is jointly owned. So yes, if you sell your home and you and your fiancé purchase a home together after marriage, it is jointly owned. If the selling of your home is going to pay for the new home you are buying jointly, you could state in a prenup that you get the home in the case of divorce. This is why prenups are so important.

View Quoted Comment Well that’s why you have a good lawyer write your prenup to help ensure things just like that don’t happen.

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THIS 100%. You both have children, are divorced, and in your 40s when a blow to retirement assets could be detrimental. You're entitled to feel disappointed by the way he sprung it on you, but honestly it sounds incredibly immature to say things like "i thought we were more" or suggest that having a prenup somehow invalidates or taints your vows because you're not "risking enough". That sounds like the beginning of a bad rom-com. Marriage is wonderful, and should be romantic, but for better or worse it's still a transaction and a contract. It's not wrong to protect each other.

Be sad for a few days if you want, but then grow up and have a real conversation with your FI.

View Quoted Comment So say if her lawyer draws up something that says she gets to keep the house unless there is an x amount of money owed on it and the foundation is shot then he gets the house....And you think his sister is going to have him sign that? You think HE would actually sign something like that? Wouldn’t it be so much more safer for both parties if they acted like married couples should act, and if the divorce happens they split whatever mess they got into down the middle. I think it’s way less of a gamble for her

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This is horrible advice. Not all states are no-fault states where things automatically get split down the middle. There is a lot more at play here. And if that's what they decide they want it makes a lot of sense to have a document saying that's how things will work that they already agreed to.

Also, chill with the "how married couples should act". If you want to totally merge finances/etc, cool. But not everyone does and they're not wrong for doing it that way or any less married than you are (or will be). There's not one right way for married couples to be.

View Quoted Comment No, I think it should be equally fair to both parties. Neither of them should want to sign something unfair to the other. At the end of the day, this is something her FH wants and there are two people entering the marriage. Compromises are going to have to be made. Or maybe this will derail their relationship. Either way, they have to get on the same page.

View Quoted Comment You’re right. Like you said everyone has different views of what a marriage should be. These views are what me and my FH share. From what it sounds like our views are similar to OPs views. Also from what it sounds like, our views on marriage are similar to the vows that we say to one another. I guess I’m just curious as to why you think prenups will help her? Prenups could also hurt her and put her at more of a risk.


If you’re a huge fan of prenups, that’s great. And when it comes time if you and your significant other feel as though it’s not working out I hope your prenups work out for you and the divorce is easy.
But just because you like prenups and think they’re so great, doesn’t mean everyone else has to feel the same way. I am entitled to my beliefs just as you are entitled to your beliefs. And OP doesn’t seem to share the same beliefs as you. So maybe you just need to grab a cold glass of water and take a breath. It’s not an attack on you.

Here is the hard truth about divorce. You do not divorce the person you marry.
Two people with nothing getting married and starting out a life? No real need for a prenup. Everything you earn is joint and you are building it together. Marital property laws exist to provide equitable splits. It’s not easy but there is the framework.

People who have significant assets before marrying, should at least consider a session for disclosure of assets and liability. Even if it’s just to see where the issue may be. Someone’s lucrative side gig is all good now, but a liability case down the road can wipe out the entire family if it’s not set up the right way. For a second marriage - disclosure can reveal settlements from the previous divorce that could affect joint assets in the future. In my case, my previous divorce agreement has me as the beneficiary of certain assets if he dies. His new wife would need to be aware of that.
I do think OPs fh bringing this up over dinner, while drinking and not pulling back when she was in obvious distress is a not a good look. Maybe he was freaked out. Maybe he’s having second thoughts. Maybe he was hangry. So a talk at a different time is needed.

View Quoted Comment As always, you bring factual, levelheaded advice. You made a very good point about disclosure of his divorce settlement, and how that could potentially affect his next wife in the future. There are just so many moving parts when it comes to second marriages, late in life marriages, and marriages that involve children from previous partners. Honestly, I think prenups should just be a standard part of marriages. I know some people think it “takes the romance out of getting married“, but let’s face the facts, a marriage is a legal contract. It really isn’t romantic (by that definition’s standard). Your relationship is what is romantic. Waking up every morning and choosing to remain faithful to your partner is romantic. Signing a contract that legally binds you to them, not so romantic LOL And any time you enter into a legally binding contract, you should always be sure you are protecting yourself.

View Quoted Comment I know someone who insisted on a prenup for his second marriage specifically because he had much lower net worth and was concerned that his first wife would someone try to access his second wife’s assets. She had a business, etc and he wanted a very clear line so that his new wife was protected.
Prenups on tv and in hollywood/sports that are portrayed at punitive about cheating, marrying “up” etc just give such a bad taste, I totally get how it feel icky.

A prenup is reasonable, but IMO if he is the one wanting a pre-nup he should be paying for it. Why should you pay for something you don't even want, and are ONLY doing for him? Make that a stipulation of you getting the prenup.

It CAN protect your children by leaving your assets in your hands, to be passed down to children, rather than split with him in case of divorce.

His sister should absolutely not be drafting the prenup. She has his interests first and foremost, it should be a third party. Can you really trust that prenup written by his sister would be equally fair to both of you?

IDK if you should sell your house and use the money to buy a house for the two of you. That's taking an asset that is totally yours, and turning it into a joint asset...you assume all the cost/risk, but he gets half the reward. if you want a new place together, perhaps consider selling your house and buying one with the proceeds before marriage, that he will then move into after marriage. That way, in case of divorce it still belongs to you. If you bring this idea up and he protests that you don't trust him, literally remind him of this conversation you had and say you just want to make sure you're protected.

The whole way he went about this conversation was weird...especially not acknowledging that you were crying or being comforting at all. That strikes me as really cold and I wonder if some of his attitude is actually projection...YOU might be really trustworthy, but is HE? It might be a good idea in the end to get a prenup just to actually protect yourself. With your own lawyer.

View Quoted Comment 100% Movies have portrayed prenups as a way for either
A. The rich, powerful man to “screw over” his wife, or
B. For the wife to get a “pay day” if they divorce
Because of that, I think a lot of women view prenups as either a sign that their spouses don’t trust them or want to screw them over, or that their “worth” is somehow directly correlated to what/how much they get in a prenup. When, in fact, prenups are a great way to better understand both partner’s financial positions and provide protection to both parties. Plus, things are much more likely to be fair when the couple agrees upon the details while they are together and in love. Both parties are more likely to want to protect their partners interests.

View Quoted Comment This is exactly what I was trying to explain. The Ex wife could potentially tap into OPs assets. If she is the vindictive type, then she certainly will. OP and her child could suffer the consequences. What happens if FH can't pay alimony/child support and the court goes after his assets? If there's a prenup, those assets will be separate. OP doesn't seem to understand that she has an equal say in what the prenup entails.

View Quoted Comment THIS!
With the exception of the comment about his sister. Of course she has his best interests in mind, any lawyer he gets should 100% have their client’s best interest in mind. The lawyer OP hires should also have only her best interests in mind. Both lawyers will draft up what they feel is “fair” to their clients, and then the two lawyers will negotiate the contracts until an agreement is met, which they feel will fairly represent both parties. Then OP and FH can go over them with their lawyers, and determine whether any adjustments need to be made prior to signing.

View Quoted Comment Yes, exactly. She does not want to have to go bankrupt because, for example, there are unpaid medical bills for FHs child. The court will go after his assets if he’s the child’s father, and if all assets are joint - they lose everything! House, savings, anything that his name is on can be lost.