fh told me he wants a prenup

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How could a prenup possibly hurt someone unless they end up feeling like the are entitled to more. That's literally the point of a prenup, to avoid that situation.

View Quoted Comment Well I just gave you one example and the example that I gave you just so happens to be the reality of OP. What if she buys a house with him, but then in the prenup he tells her you can keep the house. She says oh OK great. He then takes a bunch of money out on the house down the road and then gets divorced. She’s stuck in debt, with a house she can’t sell. If the prenup says that they will split the house evenly down the middle, then yeah I guess that would be ideal, but then why bother getting a prenup at that point? That would be how it would be without the prenup if they both own the house.

Okay. I see there are A LOT of comments on this, but I actually worked in divorce law previously to my job now and I feel the need to comment on this because we drafted prenups.

You have to take the emotion out of it, which can be hard to do. A prenup is meant to protect BOTH parties in case of a dissolution of marriage. NOBODY gets married to get divorced, obviously. But it happens. And since it's happened to him in the past, he is just being cautious of his assets. His sister can draft the prenup, but you won't be represented by her. She will solely represent him and his interests. I highly recommend you hire a lawyer to review the prenup before you sign to represent your interests. While it's not required, it's strongly recommended because there will be language in there you won't understand.

A prenup only covers the assets you each have PRIOR to your marriage, not something you jointly take on together once you are married. So if you have anything of your own right now that he might not have a portion of, it covers you. Same with him, it'll cover him in the event that something were to happen.

In my opinion, people tend to get really ugly if they have to go through divorce, and one of the most targeted assets behind a house is a retirement account. I think I read somewhere you both have pensions. If something were to happen, you could take half of his pension and vice versa, possibly more. It never hurts to protect that for yourself so it's not even an issue IF you do get divorced.

I don't think you're overreacting, most people have the same exact reaction when they find out the other person wants a prenup. It can be upsetting to think about divorce when you're thinking of getting married. However, in the end it's really smart to have one, especially if you have single assets prior to being married, because you think that if a divorce were to happen everyone will be amicable...but that's not reality.

As for costs, search around for different firms who can offer you the price you're looking for. You could even ask that he help you cover the costs if you agree to draft a prenup. That to me seems fair.

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If they own it jointly he can't take out a bunch of money on the house without her. And those are exactly that types of things that would be considered in a prenup.

We're splitting hairs here - prenups are to protect both parties AND their children. It doesn't make a person not romantic, not trusting, not serious about their vows if they want one. It's ok to not want one, and it's ok to want one. I think it's a mistake to write off a request for a prenup simply because you're surprised by the ask and feel hurt. It's ok to feel surprised and hurt, but OP and everyone in her position should take the time to truly think about it in a practical way. It's ok to refuse, obviously, but it's immature and naive to decline for the emotional reasons you've sited many times.

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YES YES YES YES YES

View Quoted Comment If they own it jointly, you’re right he can’t take out a bunch of money on the house unless she OKs it… but at that point, is she really going to be thinking no I don’t want him to take a bunch of money out because he might divorce me. If that’s the mindset then I would suggest her to not get married.
I really don’t even understand why they wouldn’t want to just remain boyfriend and girlfriend at that point. If they want to keep all of their finances separate, that’s awesome, but then why sign a legal contract stating that what’s yours is mine but then having a prenup to cancel that out that says what’s mine is mine and yours is yours. It’s sort of counterproductive if you ask me.


“Romantic “was not my word. “Trust” was. And it’s clear that OP and her prior husband had that “trust “, hence why they had a very easy civil divorce and no one tried to go after anyone’s retirement etc. whether their marriage worked out or not, it’s the fact that she at least picked a decent enough person that was on the same page as her to understand that hey it’s not working out and we just can’t get along, but I still don’t want to destroy you after the fact.
All I’m saying is not every person seeks out to destroy the other person when getting a divorce. Even through bad divorces.Some people yes have that personality and that’s OK. As long as their partners are on the same page about prenups. But I also don’t think people should be attacking OP for not wanting a prenup and telling her to “grow up “.

View Quoted Comment If the house is in her name, and the prenup states that the house is hers, then he cannot take money out on her property

View Quoted Comment OP said they are buying a house together. If they own it together, he can take out money on the house. If he puts in the prenup that she gets the house she is responsible to pay that money back.

View Quoted Comment **In the event of a divorce

View Quoted Comment There is no "he puts in the prenup". As has been explained repeatedly in this thread, a prenup is for both parties. They will agree on it together, and if she doesn't like the terms of the prenup then she doesn't sign it.

View Quoted Comment How would you like me to word it? If he discusses things that he wants with his lawyer and then his lawyer puts the line item in there and then they sent it over to negotiate. Yes that’s basically how it works. If he wants something in there to protect himself he’s going to have the lawyer put it in there. So when I’m saying “he” yes I understand that his lawyer will be putting it in there and that they still have to agree upon it.

I think you would benefit by sitting down with a family/estate lawyer and your FH and discuss your concerns. He/she can guide you on the options you have, the reasoning behind the suggestions offered and answer any and all of your questions. With families merging, it's a good idea to update your will(s) at the same time.

View Quoted Comment If she purchases the home in both of their names, then he could take out money on the home only if she agrees and signed the documents as well. And by doing so, she then knowingly and willingly takes on the risks associated with it, so prenup or not she is in the same position. But if you read further, she has voiced concerns about purchasing the property together, now that she is understanding more how that could hurt her in the long run. So, assuming she is going to use the money from her home sale to purchase the new home, now in her name, then a prenup would prevent him from having any claim to that property. It would also prevent him from taking out any additional mortgages, liens, etc. Which is, of course, the smart thing to do, since it will be entirely her money purchasing the home. I’m sure if we thought hard enough, we could come up with some crazy small chance that in some way a prenup could hurt her in a very specific situation. But the chances of that are so slim. The chances of her being protected by the prenup far, far, far outweigh the very slim chances that she would somehow end up worse from it. There is a far greater chance that she would end up losing assets and/or pension to husband or his ex wife, if no prenup is signed. Or that her children would not be properly protected. I understand that some people are severely against prenuptial agreements, for whatever personal reason. But I think most of those people have an unclear view of how prenups operate, and how beneficial they really can be to both parties. Prior to FH and I seeking counsel about prenups, just to educate ourselves, neither one of us liked them. However, after being educated on the entire process, we are now both totally for them! We both agree that divorce is not an option, but we are also both logical enough to understand that most couples who have gotten divorced have also gone into their marriages with the exact same thought. It is an unpretty truth, but the truth nonetheless. And we both agreed that we would rather settle this now while we are in love and getting along and both looking out for one another’s best interests... because divorce brings out the worst in even the best of people. The lawyer we consulted with told us that a shocking amount of marriages end because of infidelity. I don’t know about you, but if my husband cheated on me, my claws would come out in full force during that divorce because I would be so hurt and angry. A prenup prevents you and any children involved from having to go through long court battles and mudslinging. For us, protecting our future children was super important. This is why I always suggest all couples seek counsel on prenups. After sitting down with a lawyer and seeing exactly how it could protect both parties (in ways you never would have imagined!), A lot of couples no longer View them as nefarious. And, if after hearing exactly how a prenup would work in their specific situations, a couple decides it’s just not for them, that’s OK too! It’s just a Smart idea to be well educated on the matter before making a decision based solely on emotions

At my very first "real" job, I was hired while my manager was in the midst of a divorce. He told me something that has stuck with me a long time: You know the person you marry, you don't know the person you divorce.

I wanted a prenup. FH did not but gradually came around to accepting the idea, but we just didn't get it done before the wedding. I plan to look into a postnup. I love my fiance and he loves me, but the reality is that life is long and stuff happens. Quite frankly, as a divorced woman marrying a divorced man, you should know that. The rates of divorce for second and third marriages are much higher than for first marriages.

All of this stuff about taking the magic and romance out of everything is emotional, fantastical thinking borne out of fairy tales. It's like putting your head in the sand.

Yes, you are overreacting. He is protecting you and himself.

Based on what he has been experiencing with his last marriage, it makes sense that he feels he wants that. i wouldn't really think so much about it. i know some people find it offensive but it's not so much about not trusting you or thinking things are gonna end badly, it's just more of their own preference for needing to feel secure. but i totally can understand how you feel because it can make you think or feel things.

So. We talked. I said we need to come up with 1,000 each. I said how I had mixed feelings and he told me to cancel it. He said can we just make a promise to one another. He said If you get sick of me, will you not go after my retirement ?

Isn't the promise getting married? I see everyones point and all but I really feel like part of making a promise is even if it doesn't work- to not hurt one another. Also, to go into this positively,

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Yes, we would sell my house and take profit to put down on a new house together..

View Quoted Comment Honestly, for his sake, I think you should provide him that peace of mind legally in writing. If you don’t plan to do it, why does it matter? Someone else pointed out, aptly, that marriage is simply a contract in the eye of the law as well. How is this any different? Or are you fine not getting legally married? If it really is just about the promise then you shouldn’t care if you never get legally married also?