fh won't compromise

I think you could do the bouquet toss without doing the garter toss as well. I feel like in general the guys don't really care about that as much as people do the bouquet toss.

One thing that my DJ told me, when we asked for MIC's So everyone could hear us speak was that our vows are only meant for each other...not everyone else. Not telling you that to change your mind or anything, just thought I'd share, because it does make ya think. For the garter toss, would he do it if you just hand him the garter? I almost had a heat stroke at my wedding (no joke...so hot), so I had to come out of EVERYTHING. I put on a little white dress & went barefoot the rest of the night, lol. So when it was time for our garter toss, I just handed my FH the garter and said here ya go, because I was too hot to put it back on and try to do all of that, haha.

What if you change the traditional vows where you repeat it into something more meaningful that way he just has to say one set rather than two

My FH is the same way! He is very shy and doesn't even want to do a ceremony where we are standing in front of people for an extended period of time (he was all for eloping). We decided to try and keep most things traditional, but to cut some things short (ceremony will be 20-30 min, first dance will be a shorter version at about 1:30min, no garter toss but I will still be doing a bouquet toss, etc.)

I’m honestly not planning on doing a garter toss for the same reason. My FH isn’t into it but I am planning to do a bouquet toss. Um as far as your vows maybe you can change the tradition repeat stuff to something more personal/meaningful for you. Or maybe find a poem or something you guys can repeat or read to each other. Personally I would tell him to suck it up and just read his vows lol but that’s just me 🙂

Some people buy cheap bouquets and garters off Amazon to throw so all you do is pick it from the package, that'd be a compromise for that, even though you can do bouquet toss without it.
I think he'll come around to vows, a lot of people get nervous like he does.

I would pick which one means more to you and try to compromise one for the other. Hopefully that works!

At a friend's wedding they had a convenient "technical malfunction" and the mics went out just when it came to the vows. The couple wanted to read their vows quietly to one another.

And you can always do the garter toss without having to go up your dress first (which I always thought was creepy).

A lot of people don’t like this and it’s totally normal not too! It can be a lot for someone to do let alone someone who is shy. You can totally do the bouquet toss. Many weddings don’t do the garter toss because a lot of people think it’s kinda out dated and uncomfortable to watch. If he’s uncomfortable you shouldn’t try to get him to do it. You would be making him uncomfortable for the sack of other people (the men) who will literally be more than okay with out the toss.

It is super normal to ONLY do a bouquet toss and skip the garter bit— I’ve seen this way more times than I’ve seen a garter toss. I’ve never seen anyone miss it or feel left out.

Remember this is his wedding too. So he has hopes and dreams and thoughts and expectations. And the last thing you want on your big day is for him to be uncomfortable! I think he’s offering a great compromise to self-written vows: sounds like a lovely private moment. There is nothing about traditional vows that isn’t still “verbalizing love for eachother in front of guests” — it is still a special meaningful
moment even if they are standard and traditional : you are professing love and commitment to eachother in front of your loved ones. Please don’t doubt that— MANY still opt for traditional vows and it doesn’t cheapen the ceremony or commitment in the least. You can also still personalize traditional vows as much as you prefer. You can pick and choose from a list of standard common vows and choose specifically the ones you feel best apply and skip any with language you don’t love.

We went standard vows as that was what we were most comfortable with, and we still had a deeply meaningful ceremony. We found other ways to make it personal. In our case, our officiant shared some stories of our “love story” in her ceremony script, leading up to the vows (we told her the stories, she created the script, we approved it). It was super meaningful and our guests loved it, and we didn’t have to bare all ourselves. Personal, yet simple, and then we did traditional repeat after me vows committed ourselves through standard language in front of everyone.

We are skipping garter and bouquet toss and I am fine with it. I hate that portion of weddings anyway.

As for vows we are not writing our own as of now, but I do plan to write our repeat after me vows to be more personal to us if that makes sense.

The garter toss is icky but you can still do the bouquet toss if you have enough single women that you think would like to participate. I've seen that at lots of weddings.

I actually think the reading your own vows at your first look would be much more special, but that's just me. You could do what he suggested and then add a poem or scripture reading that you both pick out to the ceremony or something. If he's really uncomfortable with something Iwouldn't make him do it - that's really unfair.

I’m shy too, thought about just following the official vows and then handing each other our sealed vows like love letters to each other to read later, then tuck them in the guest book for guests to read.
Might just say our vows though even though I’m a crier 😭

Saying your vows privately during the first look actually sounds like a great compromise. The words won't be any less meaningful just because a bunch of people aren't around to hear it. The vows are only meant for the two of you anyway.

There's nothing wrong with doing a bouquet toss without a garter toss. No one will care or feel left out.

If he feels this strongly about speaking in front of people and being the center of attention then I wouldn't push him into doing things that he is clearly telling you make him uncomfortable. I'm sure you don't want him to spend the whole day feeling anxious and unhappy.

Don't put the "show" ahead of his feelings.

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I agree with this. The garter toss is creepy to me and I rarely see it done anymore. We didn't do either at my wedding. OP, in the scenario you described regarding the vows it sounds like your FH offered a reasonable compromise and you're the one not compromising. My DH has such extreme social anxiety that we were worried he might pass out during the ceremony so we stuck with the traditional vows. It was still very meaningful and beautiful. You need to be considerate of his comfort and make sure he has a good time at his own wedding.

If he's shy and it would make him uncomfortable saying vows in front of people why would you want to make him do it? He'll be so anxious about having to speak he won't enjoy any aspect of the wedding. It's his day too, respect his wishes. I think saying them privately to each other is a very special and romantic idea. As someone else said, the vows are for you two. I know everyone wants that magical movie moment where everyone is in tears at your vows but trust me everyone will feel the love between you no matter what you say.

As far as the bouquet/garter toss...you can do a bouquet toss without the garter. I'm not a fan of either of those but always disliked the idea of the groom going up the brides dress in front of everyone not to mention some random guy then putting the garter on a random girls thigh. going up her dress. I don't think anyone will miss the garter part of it.

I would do your written vows separately during the first look because that's important to him to not do it in front of everyone. I think you can compromise. You get both. My FH won't even write vows and I didn't ask because I know he wouldn't want to. As far as the garter toss, you can do just the bouquet toss; trust me the men won't care.

Ugh, maybe try and make a bargain... I'm not doing the garter/bouquet thing either.

Update! I talked to him about it and agreed that we can just do the bouquet toss and alter the officiants speech and he was very happy about it. Seeing him smile made me not worry about not having some stuff I want at the wedding!

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Sort of taking this idea and running with it, when I was MOH, the Groom was also shy and didn't want mics so as a wedding gift I wrote out their vows on black matte with white lettering and we went to thrift shops looking for large frames and spray painted them to fit the colors. People may not have heard the vows at the ceremony but they were able to read them during the reception.