Fiancé did hard drug

Is this a regular thing for him? I feel the same way about drugs, but the thing that would've hurt me the most is that he hid it from you. Does he at least feel bad for having hid it from you?

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Only you can really decide what to do. For me, any kind of hard drugs would be a deal breaker. We have people in our lives who have died of overdoses so FH knows that wouldn’t fly with me.

He said he did it a few times in college but doesn’t anymore. What bothers me is that he lied to me then tried whispering it to his buddy then tried plying it off like it wasn’t a big deal since it was a bachelor party.

like god forbid something happened, he has a job what if he got drug tested, and what so it’s a bachelor party that’s when he’ll do it?

and now I feel like it took so long for us to build trust from my past and now it’s like I don’t know him and did anything else happen? We always have open communication about everything and I’m just in such belief that it doesn’t feel real.

View Quoted Comment That’s how I feel about it he knows I even hate cigarette smoking anything I strongly hate it so to then lie about it really hurts me.

I really don't recommend just sweeping it under the rug. You should address the issue head on. Explain to him why this matters to you and why you are upset. I understand that he's grieving and that you don't want to upset him, but if you're so upset that you've stopped wearing your engagement ring then he deserves to know even if it might be upsetting for him. You might also consider couple's therapy. It may open up the conversation in a neutral space so that he doesn't feel attacked.

View Quoted Comment Yeah I asked him a few questions and he’s answered them but was starting to get upset and said it’s not the right time

I would really recommend seeking some professional assistance in working through this, especially with the recent loss in the family. Have you considered couples counseling?

So I’m probably going to have an unpopular opinion on this. I won’t say that I do or don’t support recreational drug use, but it is a thing. Unless you guys have discussed it and you’ve expressed that it’s a deal breaker, I don’t think that you can hold that part against him. I would be more so upset about the fact that he hid it from you. Is this a regular thing? Have you caught him keeping secrets before? I think it’s something that you definitely need to discuss and perhaps seek counseling for.

He didn’t tell you because he was thinking of your feelings, but wasn’t considering you at all when he chose to do the drugs? Sounds like some narcissistic nonsense my ex used to say to me. I suggest you get to the bottom of this before you proceed with your wedding. I know my opinion is probably jaded, but I find it hard to believe his friends just randomly brought drugs along to his bachelor party without knowing he would partake. So either it was a pre-planned activity or he isn’t as clean as you think. I wish you luck, and I hope you can work this out.

View Quoted Comment I actually wanted to do it a year ago just to go. I think couples therapy is great for everyone especially to make sure you’re on the same page and such. He was against it but now that’s honestly going to be the only way to fix this I think. Just to understand why it happened and to find ways to move past it

View Quoted Comment He knows my views on it. I never thought I’d have to tell him it was a deal breaker but in the beginning of our relationship he told me he stopped dipping because he knows how much I don’t like smoking (I didn’t even know he was dipping but I appreciated the honesty).

Whats bothering me is that he lied and did so good at it that it makes me wonder what else can he hide or has hidden?

Im just so shocked and hurt.

View Quoted Comment That’s what I’m saying! Like he’s an adult and he knows what’s right from wrong and how I would feel.

My ex was a narcissist and it scares me so much now that I don’t even know who my fiancé is.

even my best friend is sooo shocked.

I'm just putting my two cents in. My husband lied to me about smoking and dipping. I found an old carton in the trash, and he denied it was his. He told me to trust him, and I did.

Well fast forward a few months, he eventually told me the truth that he did smoke and dip. I wasn't mad about the smoking or dipping, but I was mad that he mislead me and lied straight to my face.

However, he told me that he hadn't smoked in a while and he's working on quitting dipping.

It took me a while, but I did eventually forgive him because I knew that even though it's a bad excuse, he didn't want me to be disappointed in him.

I know that yours is a different situation, and it is ultimately your choice. I still think that you should definitely go to counseling. It might take a while to get that trust back, but if he's willing to work on it and go to counseling to save your relationship, it's worth at least trying to save.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for sharing your story and for the insight. Are you able to trust him now?

I think you might be overreacting just a tad. He is not your ex, so it isn't fair to your fiance to compare him. Your past isn't his present. If he doesn't have a drug problem (it sounds like he doesn't) then it sounds like he wanted to have a good time and gave into peer pressure just a bit, which we can all be guilty of from time to time. It is nothing to start questioning your relationship over. I understand that hiding it from you can be upsetting, but obviously, he was afraid of how you would react. I think what's important is you let him know you love and trust him, and want to know that he can trust you and can tell you anything even it is embarrassing or knows it might upset you. Let him know you would rather have open and honest communication because if he starts habitually hiding things, that will be a problem. Cut him some slack and don't hold this over him and make him afraid to tell you things in the future. He isn't a druggie, he isn't abusive, he isn't your ex. (at least I hope. I don't know you, but I assume you wouldn't be getting into another relationship with someone who had those same vices)

I hate to be the negative Nancy here but it wasn't his first time doing coke since his college days and it's definitely not his last. Not to say his strung out or anything but you would have never known if you didn't catch him trying to whisper about it. That would be a deal breaker for me

It's definitely the lying that is the problem. 3 years ago, my FH tried to quit vaping, but he ended up starting back up behind my back and kept it from me. When I found out he'd been doing it again I was only really upset about the lying, no matter how much I detest smoking and vaping. He's finally quitting again now that we're moving back in together, but it was really hard to deal with and it still causes me physical pain to see him do it.

Only you can decide if you can forgive him for doing it again. It may have been a 1 time slip, especially if he's done it before. It can be a hard thing to say no to when someone puts it in front of you and everyone around you is also doing it, peer pressure is real. However, he should have come clean especially since his thought while he was doing it was about how upset you would be.

View Quoted Comment Yeah it’s the lying that’s getting to me. I thought we had great communication and were open about things. Like I met him at rock bottom and he helped me so I really am hurt that he did this knowing it would hurt me instead of just being honest,

I would say if recreational drug use was a known deal breaker for you it’s time to pause wedding planning. i don’t think you should be cancelling anything yet but getting yourselves to counseling immediately would be top priority.

Lying and hiding the drug use is a huge red flag to me. It shows that he does not trust you enough to be vulnerable and let you know he did something stupid. He doesn’t trust that you’d hear him out. He doesn’t trust in your reaction or ability to forgive him.

I agree with the PP that said this isn’t about you ex. Yes it’s going to impact you in life but you cannot hold what your ex did to what your fiance did. It’s not fair.

Im so sorry this happened.

I feel this is a highly sensitive issue that should be taken lightly. First off NEVER take your ring off unless you’re divorcing or ending a relationship. It’s tacky and childish to take it off over a argument/disagreement. Lastly, it may be wise to wait a few weeks till things cool off from him BURYING his mother which is an extreme pain like you can never imagine. And also he will probably be on the defense bc his mother is dead and planning a funeral is expensive and exhausting so other things might not seem as important to him (he’s grieving ). However when he’s level headed choose your words wisely and don’t cry. Tell him that you’re hurt, why you’re hurt, that this is a deal breaker, suggest counseling if needed , and forgive your husband. And put that ring back on!