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Just Said Yes September 2019

Fiancé has doubts

kelly , on October 6, 2018 at 12:02 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 12

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Hi ladies! I’ve been struggling for the past couple weeks and have no idea what to do. Let me give you a run down of what’s going on. I knew for a while that things weren’t exactly right with my fiancé. He became extremely distant and eventually just stopped talking to me about anything of importance and/or gives 1 word answers. I really thought he was just depressed because he told me he was. I try to be supportive. I also thought maybe it was his eating habits (he’s a type 1 diabetic) and when he doesn’t eat right he can get EXTREMELY moody. So anyway I started to do wedding planning and i had just got swatches for bridesmaids dresses and to figure out colors for the suits. I sat next to him and asked for his opinion on colors. He looked at them and said “what is that?” So I explained and he just didn’t respond and stared at the tv. So I immediately got embarrassed and that’s the moment I knew. I finally had the courage to say “please don’t spare my feelings here. I know things aren’t right. Do you want to get married? I need to know before we go further with planning and making a life long commitment together” he very honestly and nicely said he was having doubts and it doesn’t feel 100% right. And he feels we can’t fix things permanently, only temporarily. And it’s important to know, I can’t say I didn’t feel the same way but I thought it was just nerves. Things have not really gotten better as he admits he’s very bad at communicating. (Which he is). Even though this didn’t come as a surprise I still couldn’t believe it. The following day he switched his tune about it and made it about money. He told me he isn’t sure how he would contribute to paying for the wedding. (My parents would be paying for most of it) but he just sort of acted like they shouldn’t help? And I feel money shouldn’t be a deciding factor in if someone wants to get married. I really am beside myself because I don’t know what to do. I understand we shouldn’t get married if we have doubts right now but I’m truly at a loss. Any advice or personal experiences would truly be appreciated.

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Latest activity by Eamsee, on October 7, 2018 at 11:40 AM

VIP August 2018
Kristen · on October 6, 2018 at 12:34 PM
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Ugh I'm so sorry this is happening. The good part is that you guys actually talked about it so now you know what is really going on. A lot of couples aren't up front about their fears and then end up getting married when they really shouldn't be.
If you guys really want to be together and think this can be fixed then I suggest maybe postponing the wedding and going to couples counseling.
If, as FH says, it can't be fixed, then you guys may have to look at the real possibility that maybe your time together has come to its natural end. It isn't a failure - people come into your lives when you need them most and sometimes they aren't meant to be there forever. You guys may have just grown apart instead of together.
You two need to have another discussion about what is going on, how you both feel, and how you think you should proceed. Either way, maybe postponing the wedding would be a good idea.
It may all be moving just a bit too fast right now and slowing things down could give you guys a bit more perspective.
Best of luck to you both.
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VIP January 2019
Daria · on October 6, 2018 at 1:08 PM
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Full stop on the wedding planning. I'd go back to step 1 and see if the relationship is right for you. Maybe counseling can help with that. If you are happy being together, and you determine that it's just the wedding that is causing stress, you have some options. 1) Is it important to be married? For some, it's not. 2) Do you need to have a big wedding? Would/could you be happy with a simple courthouse ceremony that doesn't cause the financial strain? 3) If you do want a big party, can you push the timeline out a bit so it doesn't cause the financial strain?
First you guys need to figure out if you want to be together, because without that, the rest is moot. If you do, try to help build some tools for the two of you to have better communication.
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Super June 2019
Eamsee · on October 6, 2018 at 1:30 PM
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Oh hun, I am so sorry to hear this. There is no easy answer and certainly is cause for heartache. I think you did the right thing by bringing up your concerns and face the issue head on, rather than just going through the motions and hoping things will change. That takes bravery and maturity and is a very hard thing to do.
I think putting the wedding plans on hold is for the best right now, as not only are there serious concerns in your relationship, but it seems that he has his individual issues that need addressing. One can't have a healthy relationship if they aren't healthy as an individual. My ex had type-1 diabetes and I vividly remember the "Mr. Hyde" that would come out when he wasn't meticulous with his treatment and lifestyle regiment. Add depression to the equation and that makes for a lot of internal chaos. It's a vicious cycle that can be very hard to break. Personally speaking, I think he needs to be in counseling and it may also be beneficial for you to be as well. Once you both are at a better point you can go to couple's counseling.
Communication is key in any relationship, whether that be a marriage, friendship, family, or co-worker. When communication breaks down, it is very difficult to get to a healthier place as a couple.
I wish you both the best and I hope that you can figure out a course of action that will lead to healthier and happier place.
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Champion June 2019
Gen · on October 6, 2018 at 1:42 PM
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I would DEFINITELY try couples counseling if you both want to make it work! And agreed with pps that you should at least put a hold on wedding planning so you can both focus on your relationship! Good luck
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Expert March 2020
Michelle · on October 6, 2018 at 4:30 PM
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I learned the hard way that relationships should be 50/50 & when one member isn't meeting their half something is wrong. I'd have a serious conversation about the relationship & where you both invision it going. Maybe counseling will help but it's definitely a good place to start!
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Expert December 2018
Winter Bride · on October 6, 2018 at 5:08 PM
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His first response was probably his most honest. He’s not ready. If it was about money he’d have said it was money and he’d want to marry you now, even if it was at the courthouse. If he/you want to save the relationship, then counseling is a must! And now! Otherwise it’s better to know now then to have to go through a divorce later.
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Just Said Yes September 2019
kelly · on October 6, 2018 at 5:27 PM
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Thank you Kristen! This is very solid advice and you’re right about people growing apart & it isn’t a failure. My sister told even told me that just because it may not work out doesn’t mean we need to end up hating each other, it’s just what we aren’t good for each other forever
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Just Said Yes September 2019
kelly · on October 6, 2018 at 5:34 PM
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Hey eamsee! It’s nice to hear that you also had experience with someone with type 1 diabetes. So many people just don’t understand the toll it takes on people. And you’re 110% right that he does need counseling. He went through a lot right before we started to date. I also know that I could use some as well to get myself to a better point. I have brought up him going to counseling for his own issues he has but he gave me a solid “No”. I can’t imagine he’d ever go for couples counseling. I feel like he’s so detached from me and the relationship that I truly feel uncomfortable even bringing things up about the relationship. The more I open up about it and verbalize it I realize that this is a huge mess. This has been truly the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my adult life so far. But again thank you for understanding and your input. I truly appreciate it
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Just Said Yes September 2019
kelly · on October 6, 2018 at 5:44 PM
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You’re right. It’s his first comments that are truly eating me alive. It seemed like he got scared that he opened this chapter and back tracked & made it about money. I’m trying to be as self aware and composed about this as possible. My brother in law had given me this same advice. A courthouse wedding should be fine if he actually wanted to get married. And I’m extremely simple I would have no issue doing that, I don’t need an extravagant wedding. But I do believe you’re SO right and think he was just being completely honest and he just doesn’t want to get married. We haven’t talked about anything really. I find him at this point just basically unapproachable. This feels like one of the most unhappy times of my life when it should be the complete opposite
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Dedicated February 2019
Amanda · on October 6, 2018 at 8:05 PM
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FH and i struggled with this. Before we got engaged, i told my FH that i wanted to get married within 9 months of the engagement. He said okay. He proposed and i hopped on the wedding planning as soon as we got back from the proposal vacation. He was not into and was distance. I felt alone and was sad that he did not want to contribute so i stopped on the wedding planning until he was ready. I explained to him people take 1 year to plan a nice wedding with 200+ guests. (Since we have family from out of the country and they would need a real invitation to apply for their visa etc) he didn’t know it actually look a while to plan for a wedding. We started to wedding plan 7 months later after the engagement and is giving us 7 months then to plan. We moved the wedding from May to February due to cost and it was okay for us to save money then spend on a popular season wedding. Communication is key and i would definitely open up and talk to him. He may not enjoy the counseling because it can be overwhelming talking to strangers. But i would communicate everything now and put it on the table instead of waiting for marriage madness after.
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September 2020
Kayla · on October 6, 2018 at 11:03 PM
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It sounds like he has some issues he needs to deal with on his own before he becomes your husband. He may be feeling a lot of pressure to be a good one or he may not be ready to take that step. So many people propose out of fear of losing someone when they aren’t ready. There could be tons of reasons but I wouldnt plan anything. You were smart about asking straight on! I commend you for that. Be strong, cry when you need to and take a step back and look at everything as a whole.
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Super June 2019
Eamsee · on October 7, 2018 at 11:40 AM
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It's true that the majority of people just see diabetes as a blood sugar issue, but it is so much more than that. This may sound like an odd comparison, but my mother was an active alcoholic at the time I was with my ex. The personality change that happened to her when she was drunk was extremely similar to the personality change that came over him when he wasn't taking care of himself. I'll never forget when we were together for about 3 years we were thinking about moving in together. His mom asked me to come over for lunch, just me and her. She sat me down and looked me dead in the eye and said to me "I like you as a woman, and I like you for my son. But I do not want to see you get married. You will end up a 35 year old widow, possibly with a few children, and I do not want to see that happen to you." Talk about getting smacked in the face with a hard dose of reality and truth. Type-1 diabetes is such a dangerous disease and it takes serious dedication and commitment to managing it.
I am not surprised to hear that he isn't receptive to counseling, individually or together. That takes admitting that things have gotten beyond ones control and that can be very difficult to admit to oneself. Unfortunately it is like that old saying "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink". It sounds like you know that though and that even though you are in the middle of a really complicated and tough situation, you have your head on straight and you are looking at things from a very mature perspective. All you can do is take things one step at a time and listen to your gut. I wish you the best and I will be sending positive vibes your way.
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