Fiance not helping

Maybe it’s the gin and tonic talking, but I would be very bothered at this. H is very laid back and he’s never even thought about what he wanted his wedding to look like. We were long distance and he was still very involved in every decision regarding the wedding. He chose the colors, he helped me choose the menu, he helped me settle on a venue, etc. The only things he didn’t help me with were my dress and cake (and to be honest my mom picked the cake because neither of us like cake). Even flowers, he was sending me pictures he had seen on Facebook and insta of friends weddings. If he just wants to elope and you don’t want to, you’re going to have to compromise. Send him explicit decisions, “do you want this or that?” or “do you like this or that?” or “would you prefer to eat this or that?” If he says, “whatever you want babe,” stand your ground and tell him no and you’re looking for an opinion because it’s his wedding day too.

I agree, how and what he said was quite rude; but I can attest to the fact that most guys just dont understand all that goes into the planning, nor do they care about the details like we do. I do know, that most dont care to be as involved as we would like them to be either... For mine, i really wanted it to be OUR wedding, OUR decisions, not all me. So I do all the planning, list making, research etc but consult with him on everything. So centerpieces, he could care less. I come up with an idea and then ask him what he thinks. I liked idea of pie table instead of cake; asked him what he thought, he loved the idea. And i do it little bits at a time and in a conversational way. "What do you think about having a shuttle for guests from the hotel...." Then i go and find out the costs, logistics etc and report back so we both approve the financial end of it. Aside from my wedding dress; he has had the OPPORTUNITY to have a say in everything; but i have done all the legwork behind it. And honestly I am happy about it; he is happy about it and the planning has gone pretty smoothly! With that said; I am a comppulsive planner, so i love this sort of thing. If that isnt you; would he agree to the cost of a wedding coordinator to help you with some of the legwork? I hired one, (mainly to assist with all of the DIY the day of) but she has been a godsend with all of the research and legwork and ideas! Just some thoughts If i had have actually asked my fiance to help plan; i may have gotten a comment like "isnt that what your girlfriends and mom are for?"

Then I wouldn’t be bothered to plan. And when he starts asking what’s going on just shrug and tell him you didn’t have his help so you stopped planning.

Thats is passive aggressive but if you asked for help and he won’t give it, unsure of what else to tell you. Also try giving him a task to be down by X date. Maybe the dj/band?

Maybe since hes only ever eloped, he doesn't really care who is there. Idk, I would just make the list based on who you think he would want there. I just don't see this type of guy being upset that you didnt invite his best friend from 3rd grade that you didnt know existed. Other than that, just plan it for you. He's doing the wedding for you, he doesnt see it as something for him. So treat the day like that, its your day. Again, if this was his first wedding I would feel different.

Its up to you how you let this situation make you feel. Don't let other people make you feel a certain way.
If it were me, I would just tell him what time to show up and take care of the rest, but thats just me.

My fiancé is very laid back, but he is detail-oriented... so I can kind of relate. If anything, I think showing him some of your vision will help him develop an opinion for the event.

I took over/did most of the research and decision making for our wedding, and about a month ago my fiancé mentioned how he kind of regretted not being involved more in the process. Granted, we got engaged end of November and are getting married the first weekend in March (hello, 3 month wedding planning HELL). He understood that a lot of the decisions needed to be made in a short time frame, but he was sad nonetheless.

Help create a sense of urgency from your FH, that you need his help b/c there is a lot to get done, but he doesn't need to worry. You guys will work through the checklist together and enjoy the process of creating your favorite day ever! Hopefully that will give him a sense of ownership and excitement for the day.

He's not going to help you with the guest list?!? How are you supposed to know who from his side to invite. If my FH said that, I would just say fine, so the only guests at our wedding will be the people I choose to invite. If your family or friends have an issue with this, than you can deal with it, otherwise, write down some names and start collecting addresses. I get he may not be that into the colors or the flowers, but he doesn't have an opinion on the food he wants to eat at his own wedding? Tasting food and cake has been my FH's favorite part! You could always just elope, so you don't have to worry about it. I can say, I did all the initial research for everything for our wedding, but everything I looked into I reviewed with FH and got his input. A lot of times it's whatever makes you happy, but he's definitely all in. He is actually making our table numbers. I feel for you. I personally wouldn't marry a man who wasn't willing to help with our wedding, because I would worry that it would be a sign of the life to come. If you have kids, is he going to expect you to be the only one changing diapers and feeding the child? Good luck.

You need to make him understand that it is in fact yours as well as his job to plan. He doesn't need to know where to start if you're guiding the process anyway. My FH has luckily been fully involved in planning with the exception of me having to stay on his case when I give him a task such as picking the tuxes. I wish he would've just told me to pick certain things on my own though, not gonna lie. Most men don't care about the details but he should at least be helping with the guest list, and tasting for the cake as well as the food. Even if he just tries stuff and tells you a few things he liked you can have a better idea of what to get. If he doesn't care about the design of the cake or the colors then I'd say woohoo and you get to pick what you like best. Him not caring about every detail definitely doesn't mean he doesn't care but I can understand why you'd be frustrated.

We are getting to go away for the weekend. Which will help us getting away from the chaos at home. Might be easier to talk to him when he's not pulled in so many directions.

You don't need his help just the money will do. Just enjoy your time spent planning and show him the ideas you have. Think of it this way if he starts giving input saying he doesn't like your ideas you'll be pissed.

I feel you! I do all the planning and then try to ask like 1 question and he won’t even help with it!

View Quoted Comment Just followed this tonight with my passive but VERY vocal (about things I decided on and he didn't like) FH and we were finally able to clear up some bones of contention! Thanks Kaylyn and Forestwed

I think how you handle this depends on the rest of your relationship. If overall he contributes 50% of the work in your relationship I would let this go. He doesn’t really want a wedding, you do, so you do most of the work. If he generally pushes stuff off on you then I would have a talk about the relationship in general and how to make things more fair.

I was literally typing the things he was "only" helping with and it seems my FH is actually quite involved.

However, he is not involved or interested in many aspects of our wedding weekend including decor details, timelines, events leading up to the wedding, and the little detail things. My FH wanted the big wedding so I guess he was ready for/prepared for the big things. How long was/is your engagement? We are having a long engagement (18 months) so we haven't been bombarded by much wedding stuff aside from the big decision of venue and date. FH might feel overwhelmed and be shutting down, my FH shuts down sometimes also.

I hope your weekend away helps solve some pain points for y'all!